YOU KNOW, FOLKS, EVERY NIGHT I STAND RIGHT OVER THERE AND
STIR YOU UP A VAT OF THE FINEST FERMENTED NEWS HOPS AND BARLEY,
TO HANDCRAFT THE HIGH END TOPICAL MICROBREW THAT IS MY
MONOLOGUE.
BUT NOW AND THEN, I LIKE TO GATHER UP ALL THE LEFTOVER
PLASTIC SOLO CUPS HALF-FILLED WITH DISCOUNT HOOCH, MALT LIQUOR
AND BACKWASH, DUMP 'EM IN A BLENDER AND WHIP UP THE
MULTI-COLORED, BARELY DRINKABLE, MIND-ALTERING SLURRY OF NEWS I
CALL-- ♪
>> MEANWHILE ♪
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: "MEANWHILE!" IS
THE ENGINE OF THIS ECONOMY.
"MEANWHILE!" SAN ALTERNATIVE FUEL SOURCE, IS WHAT IT IS.
"MEANWHILE!" -- A MAN BROUGHT A LLAMA TO HIS
SISTER'S WEDDING, DELIGHTING JUST ABOUT
EVERYONE BUT THE BRIDE.
( LAUGHTER ) I'M GOING TO GUESS THE LLAMA
WASN'T SUPER PSYCHED ABOUT IT EITHER.
"BE HONEST, MAN, DO YOU REALLY LIKE ME, OR AM I JUST HERE AS A
JOKE?
I'M MEETING YOUR FAMILY.
THIS IS A BIG STEP."
( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, "A FLORIDA POLICE
DEPARTMENT IS OFFERING TO TEST YOUR RECREATIONAL DRUGS FOR
CORONAVIRUS."
POSTING ON THEIR FACEBOOK PAGE "BRING IT BY OUR STATION AND WE
WILL TEST YOUR BATCH WITHIN MINUTES!"
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S A GREAT SYSTEM.
THEY PUT SPECIAL VIRUS-DETECTING BRACELETS ON YOU, BEHIND YOUR
BACK, TO KEEP YOU FROM TOUCHING YOUR FACE.
THEN YOU'LL BE BROUGHT BEFORE THE HEAD SCIENTIST, WHO MAY
DETERMINE YOU NEED TO BE QUARANTINED FOR 10-25 YEARS IN A
SCIENCE CAGE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
SCIENCE!
AND THIS IS TRUE -- THE COPS EVEN TAGGED THE POST
WITH THE FRIENDLY "HASHTAG BETTER SAFE THAN SORRY,"
"HASHTAG HELP US HELP YOU," "HASHTAG VIRUS-FREE METH."
( LAUGHTER ) THEY JUST FORGOT "HASHTAG PLEASE
BE THIS STUPID."
( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, THERE WAS A WOEFULLY
UNDERREPORTED SUPER TUESDAY ELECTION: THE MAYORAL RACE IN
FAIR HAVEN, VERMONT, WHERE THE WINNER WAS MURFEE, A
THREE-YEAR-OLD CAVALIER KING CHARLES
SPANIEL, AND HERE'S MURFEE, ANNOUNCING HIS BOLD PLATFORM OF
"LET'S STAND ON THE PORCH AND WONDER WHAT BIRDS ARE."
( LAUGHTER ) IT WAS A CLOSE RACE, BUT MURFEE
EDGED OUT THE INCUMBENT, A THREE-YEAR-OLD NUBIAN GOAT NAMED
LINCOLN.
EASILY THE SECOND ROUGHEST END TO A POLITICAL CAREER FOR A
LINCOLN.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Jon: GOODNESS.
BEAUTIFUL.
>> Stephen: REALLY?
WELL THEN YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN BEFORE WE EDIT THIS SCRIPT.
( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, IN WORD NEWS, NEARLY
32,000 PEOPLE HAVE SIGNED A PETITION ASKING THE OXFORD
DICTIONARY TO UPDATE ITS DEFINITION OF "WOMAN," WHICH
CURRENTLY INCLUDES SUCH SYNONYMS AS BITCH
PIECE, BIT, MARE, BAGGAGE, WENCH, PETTICOAT, FRAIL, BIRD,
BINT, BIDDY, AND FILLY.
THAT'S HORRIBLE!
ALSO, WHAT IS A BINT?
IT SOUNDS LIKE AN OLD SCOTTISH WORD FOR THE TOOL USED TO CLUB
SQUIRRELS.
(SCOTTISH ACCENT) "ANGUS!
I DON'T LIKE THE WAY THAT ONE'S LOOKING AT ME.
GO GET THE BINT.
THE WENCH HAS IT.
OOH, THAT FILLY'S A FINE BIT 'O BAGGAGE.
THIS IS FUN, LET'S NEVER CHANGE HOW WE TALK, YOU BITCH!"
>> Jon: OH, MY!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
THE SYNONYMS AREN'T THE ONLY PROBLEM.
ONE OF THE EXAMPLE SENTENCES IN THE DICTIONARY SHOWING HOW TO
USE THE WORD "WOMAN" IS "GOD, WOMAN.
WILL YOU JUST LISTEN?" ( LAUGHTER )
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) FIRST OF ALL, THAT'S TWO
SENTENCES.
SECOND, WAS THE GUY WHO WROTE THE DICTIONARY IN THE MIDDLE OF
A FIGHT WHEN WRITING THIS?
IT WOULD EXPLAIN WHY THE EXAMPLE SENTENCE FOR THE WORD "HAPPY"
IS, "GOD PATRICIA!
I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE SAVING THOSE BANANAS TO MAKE BANANA
BREAD!
I THREW THEM AWAY BECAUSE THEY WERE TURNING BLACK!
I'M NOT A MIND-READER!
JUST TALK TO ME!
WHAT HAPPENED TO US?!
WE USED TO BE SO HAPPY!" ( LAUGHTER )
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH KEITH URBAN.