- So Nicholas, what have you been up to all day?
- Uh I just sat around, took a nap,
ate some candy canes, and now I'm talking to you.
Wow I've been awake for eight hours now.
I guess I'll get dinner and go to bed in a few minutes.
- You know, I've been thinking
maybe you should go back to work.
- Go back to work, Mary I'm retired.
- You need something to do okay.
You're losing it.
- Don't tell me what to do devil woman.
- When you said you wanted to retire
and move to the North Pole, I said to you then,
I said Nick, this is a terrible idea, Nick.
There's nothing to do up there.
- There are no people, that's the real appeal.
There are a lot of elves though.
I didn't see that one coming.
- Would it kill you to at least take up a hobby?
- Like what?
- Well, you could make toys.
- Okay a little woodworking all by myself,
I could do that.
- You know, you're so good at making toys.
- You should make them for all the children
around the world for Christmas.
- What?
- It would be a very nice thing for you to do.
- It would be millions of toys?
- Fine, hire some elves to make the toys for you.
- How do I even know what toys the kids want?
- Oh, you could go to shopping centers
and have kids sit on your lap and just tell you.
- Or the kids can just send me letters
and we can get some random people
to impersonate me in shopping centers.
- Okay, but you need to deliver the gifts personally.
- You expect you to hand-deliver all this stuff.
Can you imagine how much small talk that would entail?
Like, oh here's your present little boy,
now let me engage in some mind-numbing
chit chat with your parents.
Maybe I should explain why I an elderly stranger,
I'm giving you a child a present?
- Do you know what?
If you don't wanna do it that's fine.
You can just sit here and eat candy canes all day.
- I am not talking to anyone when I deliver these gifts.
Okay no chit chat, no small talk.
- Well, that would be very rude.
- Ah, but not if nobody knows I was there.
So I'll just go in the middle of the night
while everyone's asleep.
- How are you gonna get into people's houses
in the middle of the night?
- I don't know, I guess I'll go down the chimney?
- Honey I don't know if you realize
how small chimneys are.
- Are you saying I'm fat?
- What if you get in the house and someone's awake?
- I know when people are sleeping
or when they're awake is just kind of a power I have.
So if they're awake, I just won't go in the house.
- Are you telling me you're omniscient?
- I guess I am.
- I learn more about you every day.
Well you'll probably need some help
delivering all these gifts.
You'll need someone to go with you.
Maybe I could, it could be romantic,
a trip around the world.
- Ah it's okay, I'll go by myself.
- You're gonna travel the whole world on your own?
- Yeah, I'd prefer that, just me and the reindeer.
- The reindeer?
- Yeah you know Dasher, and dancer, and Prancer, and Vixen
Comet, and Cupid, And Donner and...
- Yeah the ones that can fly.
Of course I know who you're talking about.
- Yeah I'll just hook them up to my sleigh
and then we can fly around the world
to deliver the presents.
It'll make it easier that way
'cause then we can just land on people's roofs.
- Won't a reindeer and a sleigh with tons of presents on it
landing on a roof, wake up everyone in the house?
- Shouldn't be too bad, just a little clatter.
- Okay, you know what would make it really special?
- Like me flying around the world
and delivering presents is not special enough already.
- You should deliver all the gifts
in one night on Christmas Eve.
- Are you serious?
- You know, so the kids can wake up
super early on Christmas morning
and see all the presents under the tree.
- The only way I'll agree to that is if all the kids
leave out some milk and cookies for me.
- Every household in the world
is going to put out milk and cookies for you?
- It's that or no gifts.
- That's like 300 billion calories.
- It's only one cheat day.
- You've been eating candy canes all day.
- It's Christmas gosh, darn it.
- Okay fine, milk and cookies, knock yourself out.
I'll start looking up diabetes specialist in the meantime.
- Ho, ho, ho, that's funny.
- Oh that's good!
That could be your catch phrase.
- What?
That's funny.
- No, no, no the first thing.
- Ho, ho, ho.
- Yeah, it's cute.
- It's not a catch phrase.
It's not even real words.
It's just me fake laughing.
- Well, try to sound jolly okay.
- This is about as jolly as I get.
- You step it up for the kids, okay?
If not for the kids of the world,
then for our kids who died tragically
in a sleigh accident 20 years ago, on Christmas Eve.
(soft music)
- Okay I'll do it for the kids.
(soft music)
(lively jazz music)
Only good kids should get gifts.
- Nick, you gotta give the bad kids something too.
- How about a lump of coal?
- That is really cruel.
- Maybe they shouldn't have been so bad.