(soft guitar music)
Is that 30 seconds?
(both laughing)
Cool.
- What's the first thing you notice about me
and why do you think it stuck out?
- Your hair, 'cause it's like the haircut
that I've shown so many hairstylists, I feel like,
when I've gone in, it's just...
- I was looking at yours and I was like,
that's how I wish my curls looked.
I'm like a little grown out right now,
I feel like I have a mullet, so that's, I appreciate that.
- Yeah, no, it's great, it's really nice.
- Thank you. - So yeah.
- I love your outfit.
- Thanks.
- I feel like I wanna, like, go thrifting with you.
I don't know if it's a thrifted piece.
- I got it off Depop.
- Oh, right?
Sometimes you just see people and you're like,
this person is stylish.
- Thank you.
- Also, pronouns?
- She/her.
- She/her as well.
- And I'm Adrianna.
- I'm Daniella.
- Nice to meet you.
- Yeah.
Use five words to describe
what being intimate with me would be like.
- Ooh.
I think, I'm newly out, so I'm also very nervous.
- Yeah. I get that.
- Gentle.
Communicative. I hope.
Fun. You have cool tattoos, maybe fun.
That's three.
- Just a party.
- Slow, in a good way.
(Adrianna laughs)
I don't know.
- Yeah, no, I like that.
- Was it five?
- I think that was five.
- Great.
- I think that was five.
- Excellent.
- Communicative, like, just makes me really happy.
Like, that word. I feel like that's always...
My MO is like trying to be like just in life.
- Yeah.
- I know you said, you prefaced with being recently out,
so that, that was a little nerve-wracking,
so thank you for still being able to like,
share that with me.
I'm curious, if you're comfortable, how recent?
Like when did you kind of join this mafia?
- (whispers) The mafia.
I headed into COVID.
I say, like it was a choice.
I headed into COVID in a long-term relationship
with a cis man that had, since,
was on the tail end of dissolving
for a great many months, 'cause I had voiced
that this probably wasn't what I needed.
- Sure.
- And we quarantined together and I was like,
I'm going to let people know I'm... gay? Queer?
I'm not sure what the terminology is that fits best for me.
But yeah, the pandemic just sort of brought me to a place
where not living in that part of my truth
was more painful than I was really prepared to admit prior.
And I think in a lot of ways came out to myself
and came out to my family that summer.
I jumped right into a relationship. U-Hauled it.
And that felt like the strongest validation of my identity
up to that point of my life.
So it's recent, we're approaching like a year
of me sending a fateful text to my mom.
- Wow.
- So maybe not recent, but recent enough
that I don't know how to describe intimacy
in an honest and excited way.
- Yeah. Thanks for sharing that with me.
- Yeah. - That's really exciting.
- Is it okay to ask if you're, you're not newer to this?
(both laughing)
- No, totally okay to ask.
I came out in my, right after I graduated college,
so like 2016.
- Yeah.
- I felt kind of like there was this lost opportunity
for, like, college.
I was like, in college, I was in a long-term relationship
with a cis man for basically all of it.
And I think I knew from in my own head, like, I was like,
this is not for me.
and like, this is not right,
but I felt kind of like every year that would go by,
I just, for some reason would say, well, it's too late.
It's too late. It's too late.
There was this, like, frustrating expectation that I had
of like, well, I needed to know when I was like 15
and if I didn't know then, then like, is it really real?
And just, like, invalidated myself a lot.
And so I really struggled with, like, aging
and this idea of, like, the older I get,
like, the harder it'll get, which is flawed and wrong.
And I feel really grateful.
I'm happy to hear for you that, like,
even though COVID was devastating in so many ways
that it was a time to, like, reflect
and really come to that, 'cause I know a lot of people
that had that self-discovery.
- Yeah. I don't think my queerness
is the most interesting part of me,
but it like opens the door for me to figure out
what is the most interesting part of me.
- Totally. Yeah.
- If that makes sense, so yeah. I'm really glad for you.
Time is a construct and I'm glad we came to it when we did.
And to feel so old and so young at the same time.
- Yeah. That's an interesting way to put it, yeah.
- Yeah.
What's the cutest part about me and why?
Why? I don't know.
(Adrianna laughing) Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- I think your voice,
I think you have a really nice tone.
- (whispering) Thanks.
- And I think, yeah, kind of like that,
like what you just did, it's the...
I don't know the word.
There's like a little bit of like a stumble, kind of,
in what seems like when you're a little nervous
and I think that's really cute.
(Daniella laughing)
- Thanks.
I truly want to like curl up into a ball
and roll out the door.
- (laughs) I'm sorry.
- No, it's not your fault. That's me.
- I hope that doesn't...
- Don't tell my therapist, it's fine.
- I hope that doesn't draw attention to something that...
- No. - Feels insecure.
- You're very good at eye contact.
I think that's very endearing and very cute.
I'm trying to match it,
'cause I think it's a cute quality of yours
and I'm like, this is, I gotta make eye contact.
- I've gotten that a lot.
- It's a real skill.
- (laughs) It's a little intimidating when I get it.
- Really?
- Yeah. Like, people saying it's a little intimidating.
Like, I do really well in job interviews because of it.
- Oh my gosh.
- But yeah, so I like try to like change it up a little bit,
just dodge around.
- Oh my gosh.
Such a power move, that's a good thing.
I mean, it's cute, but it's also a power move.
- Thank you.
- Like, hell yeah.
Great.
- Goodness.
- In what ways am I most similar and most different
to the people you typically date?
- I don't know. I jumped into, like,
one long-term thing during COVID, like I mentioned.
They were, I'm not sure how old you are.
I feel like we're similar in age. I'm 24.
- I'm 26.
- Okay, yeah.
My last, like, long-term partner was in their thirties.
- Okay.
Same.
- Interesting. Interesting.
Curious about your thoughts.
Yeah, I think there was a lot that was unhealed
and so I saw a dynamic that put me
at an immediate disadvantage,
but I immediately feel like we are on a similar page,
dynamic-wise.
Yeah. I like to imagine, in the story of us
where we leave out that door
and continue this forever and ever
that we are on a similar plane,
which is invaluable to me at this point in my life.
- Yeah.
- That's really sweet. Thank you.
- Woo.
- Like however many minutes has gone by, we're still like...
(Daniella laughing)
- Oh, my. What do you think are my softspots?
All one word.
Meaning, if you had to seduce me, how would you? (shudders)
- Oh my goodness.
- Oh my God.
(Adrianna laughing)
It's not a battle, but I'm just like, you're gay.
Just like let it...
(both laughing)
Cool.
(both laughing)
- I guess...
- I don't know.
- I don't even know. - There's no right answer,
'cause I don't know.
So I'm just letting you know.
- Thanks, that puts a little less pressure.
- 'Cause that was the goal, there wasn't like, you know.
- Is it like a physical thing?
Is it like an emotional thing?
That's what I'm trying to, like, think about.
- It's very queer of us to consider both.
It's good. It's good.
- I know. I know, I don't mean to roll my eyes.
- No, no, no, that's where my mind went to.
I was like, well, softspots, like conversation?
So that's good.
- How can I hold you in this conversation, emotionally?
- Yeah, how can you feel held emotionally? Yeah.
- I guess being, having someone be patient with you,
I'm gonna say, like, slow,
because I'm thinking back to however long,
how much time has passed.
Thinking that being intimate with me would be slow.
And I wonder if that's something that is,
feels good for you.
- Like I'm like, projecting part of me.
That's fair, that's fair.
I would amend that now, because you're like,
you're like the social butterfly person.
I'm like, no, it'd be like, fast and cool.
But perhaps, yeah.
- Suave and smooth.
- Yeah, exactly. Those are the words.
- This little button popped open.
(Daniella laughing)
Just overwhelmed.
- Suddenly sweating.
- Yeah.
- Cool.
(both laughing)
- I mean, it's good to like...
- Yes.
- Sit in it together,
'cause I feel like that performative piece
of needing to like, and I feel like especially being queer,
the fear of like not being queer enough, I guess,
comes up for me or this feeling of like
wanting to be taken seriously.
It's like comfortable though.
Like I don't feel uncomfortable,
but it's like pleasant to acknowledge
where there's like, discomfort.
- Yeah. I so often am like trying to navigate
the difference between like discomfort, natural discomfort,
'cause I'm a nervous person or like internalized bullshit
or feeling like I have to be a certain way,
'cause I'm like, obviously I'm pretty fem,
you know, in my presentation.
And yeah, I wonder sometimes if I, like,
radically altered the way that I dressed
or, like, tried carrying myself
a different way in the world,
just as an experiment for myself,
if I would feel less of the, like, have to be,
and I'm letting go of a lot of that in certain ways,
but, like, for a long time I thought, like,
well I'm this way with men,
so I must just be this way with women
or anybody who's not a man.
And yeah, I'm still learning to let go of that, I think.
But that's a whole other thing
with deconstructing my relationship to, like, femininity.
I still very much feel like a woman.
I just am like, that doesn't mean I have to act
any certain way or like be any certain way,
romantically or sexually or platonically with anybody.
So, yeah.
- Absolutely.
- Yeah.
- Yeah. Amazing.
- How are you dating differently since the lockdown?
- Similar to you, I was in a relationship during lockdown
and we quarantined together for a few months.
Basically since that ended,
I just haven't really thought too much about dating,
in terms of like...
Like, seeking it out.
I think this opportunity, when it came up,
I was like really excited for it.
I think there's just, it's like a little nerve-wracking,
but there's also just kind of, it feels easier in a way,
because you get to, like, avoid the piece
of texting and trying to plan things.
I'm like, I'm a Libra,
I'm one of the most indecisive people ever.
And so it's like,
I don't want to have to make decisions
about where we're gonna go
and like, all of that, it just can cripple me sometimes.
Room for depth that I think can feel intimidating
for people in, like, if you're meeting
in a more normal, kind of worldly setting.
- Can I ask you the same question?
- Yeah. I was going to say you have Libra energy.
That's the only reason I giggled. I was like, yeah.
- Thanks.
- I'm a Cancer. I'm not crying, but I am a cancer.
(Adrianna laughs)
- Not in this moment.
- Yeah, not at this moment, but it's there.
- Somewhere in there.
- Dating post-lockdown or during lockdown, I guess.
I dunno, for a long time...
Well, not for a long time. It hasn't been a long time.
But when I came to terms with my queerness,
there was this feeling of like, have to get it right,
right out of the gate,
both because you had mentioned like all that wasted time,
we say in our early-to-mid-twenties.
And also because this feeling of like, I'm finally there,
like I finally arrived, so like, I gotta take it.
Totally resonates this sort of like, how can I put my job?
How can I put my creative pursuits?
How can I put all of the other things
that I've neglected about myself ahead of dating,
because it's spooky and rejection is spooky.
- Yep.
- So that all resonates. I hear you.
- Yeah, the stakes feel so much higher,
because they actually matter, in a way.
- Yeah, there's more to lose.
There's more to lose in somebody intimately knowing you.
- Yeah.
That you want to know you.
- Yeah, yeah.
- You know.
- Which is a big difference to want to be known is,
woo, brave new world.
I'm sure that's a Sappho poem, but like.
(both laughing)
I'm sure it's out there.
- I'm sure I wrote that in like,
my 12-year-old journal or something.
- LiveJournals, ah.
(both laughing)
I'm sure.
Okay.
- I'll just...
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- I'm sorry.
Do you feel chemistry right now? Why or why not?
(both laughing)
- I don't know.
I was like... (hums)
Yeah. No? I don't know.
That was a question for me, not for you.
Good, Daniella.
Yeah, I think so. I don't know what chemistry looks like.
I know that I, like, enjoy talking to you.
I think you have very kind eyes and very cool hair
and like, the coolest style.
And like, if there was a drink, I would...
Clink, not pour it on you.
- It's like Nerf gun, like shoot a drink.
- No, yeah, like Nerf gun at you.
Yeah, that sounds fun.
Yeah, I think so. I don't know.
Can I ask the same question?
- Yeah.
- Aw, sick.
- (laughs) Sweet.
- Love that.
- Yeah, I think so.
- Cool.
- I think there's, like, a lot of great things about you
that I just wanna learn more about
and I think when you have chemistry with someone,
you just are intrigued and wanna learn more about them,
versus feeling indifferent,
or if it's really bad, like actively being like,
I never wanna, like...
- Never again.
- Never wanna see this person's face again.
So yeah, I would say there is.
- Fun.
- Yeah. We'll see.
- This the last one? We doing more?
What's next for us?
(Daniella laughs)
- A drink.
- I don't know, yeah.
- Fun drink, I don't know.
- Yeah.
(cards shuffling)