[Applause]
you are the uh
personification of what show business is
supposed to be
you're you're talented uh you're smart
you're a lovely you're personable and
you're eager to perform thank you so
much you're quite welcome that's very
kind of you to say i i uh
well thank you
what do you know
people have been bombarding me with this
question is driving me nuts when you
don't have a regular job then what is
your life i'm looking at it like it's
just a chasm
an empty empty chasm well i was thinking
about you this week because i was
thinking you're going to retire but and
i've had this in miniature form i did a
show we did 30 rock and the show ended
and i had the experience of
of stopping um and it's weird at first
the one thing i will warn you about is
that all the things
that you got out of doing because you
were working all the time
are going to come haunt you now so like
uh like parent-teacher
uh conferences uh curriculum night um
uh going to your niece's wedding all
that stuff you're gonna do that like did
you you
you know if you get anything in the mail
that says like will you host a gala oh
no just drink dish soap just do it
do if you get anything that says gala on
it
drink like contact lens fluid anything
to get yourself in the house new york
city seems to be the home of the gala
yeah official or unofficial big little
there's a guy every night and and i was
thinking about it uh the the big
metropolitan
gala you're going to have to go
i've never been invited you're going
next year have i missed anything no next
year you're going you're going to put a
solid big old like salad bowl on your
head you got to go you've been there you
know what it is i did i didn't go this
year i have gone to it once and it is
such a jerk parade like you cannot even
and then clearly i'll never go again but
you go and you go into this beautiful
space and it's just every jerk from
every walk of life
is there wearing like some stupid thing
and you walk in these huge steps
and uh and i went and i dragged my
husband along with me too which i'm
still uh in trouble for and we were
going and it's been that's beautiful
with all these people on cameras and we
walked down this big long hallway
and we were walking about 10 feet behind
this very famous famously mean
fashion designer and i was like with my
husband like oh that's you know that guy
and whatever and uh and they had these
what i thought were sort of guards
lining the hallway because they were
these uniforms and if you look carefully
they weren't guards they were just sort
of beautiful boys and weird outfits i
was like okay and then we're walking in
behind this like
famous guy in this empty hallway going
to the thing and uh then i realized that
we were about 10 feet behind him and we
just walked into
just a fart cloud just um
this this famous man
just the most toxic
toxic gas that you could but i was like
oh this is this is the insides of a
terrible person coming out and we walked
through that and i sort of got the
giggles and then i looked over at the
guard boys and they were kind of like
giggling and they're
sort of vaguely
fascist uniforms and
and
that's wiggly vaguely fascist
as then we sat down at this long table
and it's just everybody it's everybody
if you had a million arms and all the
people you would punch in the whole
world they're all there
and um
names
possibly they're wonderful people
i mean i was there clearly i was one of
them but there was i was then so i sit
down and then i'm sitting next to like
another famous guy who's like a ceo guy
just to be clear not donald trump um
because he's the most famous although he
was there and he was kind of like
dancing in his seat
yikes but look at this famous ceo guys
talking to me and i think perhaps he was
on ecstasy because he i didn't know him
and he just reached over and started
touching my hair
and this is like famous like a
businessman what is this
gig like what is this so i got up and i
was like i'm just going to walk around
and do a lap and try to see if i know
anybody at this thing and and i walked
around it was really it is like beyonce
lady gaga brian williams it's just like
every person in the world and the person
that i saw that i was like there you
know what there's somebody cool that
like
i can just sit in the corner and relax
with there's somebody normal and just to
give you an idea of how weird that event
is like the person that i saw like ah
i'll go talk to her was barbara walters
that's pretty good she tried to like
hang out with barbara walters i'm not
going i'm not going nowhere you're going
next year you're gonna wear a red
leather dress earlier on in the
discussion you described it as what kind
of a parade jerk parade it's a jerk
parade
we'll get that right up to the mitt what
was a big big deal uh and i i hope
people understand how big a deal this
was with the snl the 40th anniversary oh
yeah we had the 40th anniversary of snl
it was a big deal
yeah
and the people who have worked there
yourself and many many others everybody
who ever hosted uh you know ever pretty
much almost every cast member i think
made it back and i was uh i wanted to i
worked on the snl 25th anniversary i
think it was one of the first things i
was head writer for and so i really
wanted to help out again with the 40th
but i was away i was doing a movie in
albuquerque um
and so or so they believed uh but um
and
and i was really wishing i could be
there to help but i kept getting these
calls i was trying to help they're like
great news the show was gonna be three
hours no it's going to be three and a
half hours long i said oh my god i was
getting so nervous because it was a show
that everyone rehearsed their stuff
separately it was never rehearsed
together and it's live and it's live tv
and um and i just and also i thought
well and the whole audience is movie
stars and i said well movie stars
they're not gonna
sit still that long i kept guys like
they're gonna leave they're gonna go to
dinner they're good like there's really
selfish people and they're going to cut
to the audience you're doing schedules
and quit to the audience they'll just be
like chairs
and a lost purse
but it didn't the show was great uh this
snl team are saying
right through it whipped right through
it they got a three and a half hour show
in exactly the time that's remarkable it
really was and very entertaining and
great fun
good for you
and uh
can i ask how the kids are please do
because how when are we ever going to
talk about this again so yes the kids
well it's a big met gala next year of
course
um the kids are good they um
the little one is three and a half now
and she's
maybe coming out of not being a jerk all
the time like she's like i remember you
said that there was some sort of a
reflexive anger yeah she's very quick to
anger like you ask her anything and her
answer is usually is no never you're
like okay that's like that's like your
baseline is no never no never yeah she
did throw a pretty amazing
tantrum in we were in albuquerque they
were visiting me
and my husband was he i was working so
he took him around all day took
everybody to the zoo and long morning
and then he was trying to get her home
and and he said she just threw like a
literally like a 40-minute fit
uh wouldn't
they couldn't go home because she was
insisting that she wanted to drive
i'm sorry
the three and a half year old woman you
wanted to drive like an escalade she's
like i'm strong enough
has she driven much not that i know of
i said you should have turned it on like
that she could never reach it but he
said he had to wrestle her into the back
but she's getting a little sweeter and
she's getting into the cute like girly
age where they like princesses tea
parties yeah makeup like i was putting
makeup on a little bit the other day and
she was like i want some makeup i said
okay you can have a little you know my
makeup homes like colored chapstick you
know
so i'm giving her a little makeup and
they get really excited and the toddlers
they they get they try to start a
sentence and they get stuck in it
remember this when they go like mommy i
want mommy i look mommy i look for you
this mommy and they're feeling like you
get it you'll get it out and then find
you mommy
i look prettier than you
i'm like all right
fine you're three i'm 44. i get it
it's not a cup
now uh selfishly uh and b be ha on
behalf of every parent alive when you
get to that moment when the kid wants to
drive the cadillac escalade home yeah
and the kid is three and a half yeah and
there's a fit yeah
how do you
disconnect that what circuitry do you
throw you do you have to uh you they
always say you cannot let it work right
because if the fit works then they'll
throw a fit all the time
and so
i have on many occasions carried her
sideways
like a plank
i carried her down the streets of
albuquerque screaming and kicking yeah
like a bunch of mariachis like just like
screaming
because it can't work that's the only
thing i know you can't let it work but
what now i don't know what your life was
like as a kid but my life as a kid was
if i even got close to pulling that oh
yeah they grabbed me and no no no and
then take me and throw me in the car and
we go wherever we're going or i'm going
to get spanked one of the yeah it's such
a weird i never would have dared to act
up like that i didn't i didn't have an
opinion until i was 20. yeah
yeah that's the way they work that yeah
you know let me ask you something and uh
uh and forgive me if this sounds
indelicate but you just look wonderful
oh well thank you very much
thank you this is um
that's a beautiful dress thank you it's
a beautiful dress i you know
it was not actually lost on me because i
always uh
i've been here 20 times apparently i've
been on the show 20 times good for you
thank you because um
because i live nearby and people cancel
a lot
but i i realize that when you retire
this this is it like i i i'm never gonna
wear a fancy dress on a talk show again
don't say that no because first of all
it's well thank you but it's a it's uh
it's very hard work if i don't know if
you're aware of the like the
contraptions
there's under here are like
it's almost medical
but there's like a thing in it really
yeah and it's a lot and i'm terrible in
heels and i also just realized you know
i i dress up like this out of respect
for you oh god bless you uh i really do
well you i mean
and you know i'm not gonna
but for forget me
i mean it's just lovely this is it you
know because this is like something kate
middleton would show up in and this is
it because i'm not going to wear you
know what am i going to put a dress on
for jimmy that's creepy he's like my
brother
you know what i'm going to wear like
like special underwear for james corden
that's not going to happen
so you know the next time you see me i
will be playing charades in a slanket
but because
now wait a minute you mentioned this
special um
because this is um
this is my last time wearing a fancy
dress on a talk show and and conforming
to gender norms out of respect for you
um i my gift to is i want to give you uh
the dress
so you can keep it i don't know if you
can help me
you can pull that
[Applause]
this is it you know
[Applause]
[Music]
oh my god
i don't know what to say
oh for heaven's sakes
well
look it's tina fey
wait a minute
hang on yeah they're on their feet
hang on here hold it here hold it hey
hey i'm
i'm told now
we have time for another segment
[Music]
you