>> Stephen: OH, HEY, THERE, EVERYBODY!
WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
BRINGING YOU THE SHOW TONIGHT FROM THE DIAROMA, THAT WE'RE
SUBMITTING FOR OUR EIGHTH GRADE SCIENCE PROJECT.
I HOPE WE GOT A GOOD GRADE.
WHEN WE FINALLY GET OUT OF THIS PANDEMIC, THERE WILL BE SOME
PHRASES I NEVER REALLY WANT TO HEAR AGAIN.
LIKE "SOCIAL DISTANCING" OR "GRIM MILESTONE" OR "ZOOM HAPPY
HOUR."
IT'S EITHER ZOOM OR HAPPY.
PICK A SIDE.
BUT WE'RE STILL A LONG WAY FROM TUNNELING UP TO THE SUNSHINE,
BECAUSE YESTERDAY, THE GLOBAL TALLY OF CONFIRMED CORONAVIRUS
CASES PASSED 100 MILLION, WITH ALMOST A QUARTER OCCURRING IN
THE UNITED STATES.
WELL, HE DID DELIVER ON THAT "AMERICA FIRST" THING.
WE JUST SHOULD HAVE ASKED WHAT CATEGORY IT WAS IN.
BUT IT'S NO SURPRISE THAT WE HAVE 4%
OF THE WORLD'S POPULATION AND 25% OF THE CASES BECAUSE THE
PREVIOUS DOOFUS-IN-CHIEF CALLED CONCERNS OVER THE VIRUS A HOAX,
PROMOTED QUACK CURES, AND MOCKED PEOPLE FOR WEARING MASKS.
IT WAS THE WORST PUBLIC HEALTH MESSAGE SINCE THE 1929s:
PRESIDENT HOOVER SAYS, "DON'T BE AFRAID OF SYPHILIS, PARD'NER!
REAL COWBOYS RIDE BAREBACK."
HOOVER, FAR MORE SEX-POSITIVE THAN I REMEMBER!
BUT THERE'S A NEW SHERIFF IN TOWN, AND I'LL CATCH YOU UP ON
HIS PLANS IN TONIGHT'S EDITION OF "CATCH A THIRD WAVE:
ENDLESS BUMMER."
♪ DON'T WEAR YOUR MASK ♪ DON'T WASH YOUR HANDS
♪ DON'T AWARE YOUR MASK DON'T WASH YOUR HANDS
♪ DON'T WEAR YOUR MASK ♪ DON'T WASH YOUR HANDS
♪ DON'T WEAR YOUR MASK.
NAILED IT!
JUST CALL ME COVID VAN BEETHOVEN.
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!
WHY DID YOU GET THAT THING?
IS THAT A CATAPULT?
>> Stephen: YES.
>> OKAY, OKAY!
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: I WANT TO KNOW HOW MUCH OF TONIGHT'S BUDGET WENT
INTO CONSTRUCTING THIS CATAPULT AND THEM SEND THAT MAN A BOX OF
STEAKS.
YESTERDAY, PRESIDENT BIDEN ANNOUNCED A DRAMATIC CHANGE TO
AMERICA'S COVID PLAN: THERE IS ONE.
THE MOST EXCITING NEWS: THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT IS BUYING
ENOUGH ADDITIONAL DOSES TO VACCINATE 300 MILLION AMERICANS
BY THE END OF THE SUMMER.
SO NEXT HALLOWEEN, THE HOT COSTUME IS GOING TO BE SEXY
NORMAL PEOPLE SAYING HELLO.
THEY'RE SEXY, BECAUSE THEY CAN SHAKE HANDS.
BUT THAT'S NOT ALL.
BIDEN ALSO PROMISED STATES THAT THE TOTAL AMOUNT OF VACCINE
THEY'RE GETTING WILL RISE FROM 8.6 MILLION TO AT LEAST 10
MILLION A WEEK STARTING NEXT WEEK.
THAT MEANS FEBRUARY 2nd, NEXT WEEK, GROUNDHOG'S DAY,
PUNXSUTAWNEY PHIL WILL COME OUT OF HIS BURROW AND GET
VACCINATED!
NOW HE CAN BE WITHIN SIX FEET OF HIS SHADOW.
GETTING MORE VACCINES IS GREAT, BUT WE REALLY NEED TO RE-EXAMINE
THE WAY WE GIVE THEM OUT, ESPECIALLY IN PHILADELPHIA,
WHERE THEY MADE THE OOPS-A-DAISY OF LETTING COLLEGE KIDS
DISTRIBUTE VACCINES, AND THE RESULT WAS A DISASTER.
WELL, YEAH!
THE ONLY THING COLLEGE KIDS ARE GOOD AT DISTRIBUTING ARE
ULTIMATE FRISBEE SIGN-UP SHEETS AND H.P.V.
APPARENTLY, THE CITY CONTRACTED OUT THEIR VACCINE OVERSIGHT TO A
STARTUP CALLED "PHILLY FIGHTING COVID," RUN BY A 22-YEAR-OLD
C.E.O., WHOSE RESUME INCLUDED TEACHING A HIGH SCHOOL FILM
CLASS, PRODUCING VIDEOS OF PEOPLE LONGBOARDING, AND
PRACTICING PARKOUR.
SO HE'S NOT QUALIFIED TO MANAGE HEALTHCARE, BUT HE IS QUALIFIED
TO DATE YOUR EX-GIRLFRIEND.
NO SURPRISE THINGS DID NOT GO SO WELL.
LOCAL SENIORS WERE LEFT IN TEARS AFTER FINDING THAT APPOINTMENTS
THEY'D MADE WOULDN'T BE HONORED.
NOW, THIS MIGHT AFFECT THESE KIDS' CAREER PROSPECTS.
( AS INTERVIEWER )
EXPERIENCE,' IT SAYS 'COMPLETE AND MAKING THE ELDERLY CRY.
WELCOME TO FACEBOOK!" THAT WASN'T THE ONLY PROBLEM.
WHILE THEY WERE WORKING ON VACCINE SIGN-UPS, THE GROUP
SWITCHED TO A FOR-PROFIT MODEL AND ADDED A PRIVACY POLICY,
ALLOWING IT TO SELL USERS' PERSONAL DATA.
OKAY, BUT THEIR USE IRS ARE ALMOST ALL ELDERLY!
WHO'S LOOKING BUY THAT USER DATA, BIG BUTTERSCOTCH?
ARMCHAIR NAPS UNLIMITED?
THE SHADOWY GLOBAL CARTEL THAT CONTROLS WALK-IN BATHTUBS?
I WANT A WALK-IN BATH TUB, THE BY THE WAY.
THOSE LOOK AWESOME.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
DEEP ENOUGH TO DROWN IN.
NOT ONLY WAS THIS STARTUP A MAJOR DISASTER, THE C.E.O. SUCKS
MAJOR, BECAUSE, REPORTEDLY, HE PERSONALLY POCKETED VACCINE
DOSES.
NOW, WE ALL KNOW THEY NEED TO BE KEPT AT 90 BELOW ZERO.
BUT I'M SURE THEY WERE SAFELY TRANSPORTED BETWEEN TWO ICE-COLD
NATTY LIGHTS.
NOW, FOLKS, WE'VE GOT A NEW PRESIDENT, AND ONE OF HIS
BIGGEST JOBS IS CLEANING UP THE LAST ONE'S MESSES.
SO YESTERDAY, BIDEN HAD HIS FIRST PHONE CALL WITH RUSSIAN
PRESIDENT AND SPELLING BEE MODERATOR WARNING THE
CONTESTANTS THAT ALL THE WORDS WILL BE "POLONIUM," VLADIMIR
PUTIN.
REPORTEDLY, BIDEN TOOK PUTIN TO TASK ON THE KREMLIN'S EFFORT TO
INTERFERE IN U.S. ELECTIONS AND REPORTS THAT RUSSIA OFFERED
BOUNTIES IN AFGHANISTAN TO KILL AMERICAN SOLDIERS.
WOW!
THAT-- THAT IS GOOD TO HEAR.
I WONDER IF THERE'S A NAME FOR THAT KIND OF CONVERSATION WITH A
RUSSIAN LEADER: >> PERFECT PHONE CALL.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU, CITIZEN.
NOW, BIDEN TALKING TO PUTIN IS HUGE NEWS IN MANY WAYS, THE
BIGGEST OF WHICH IS WE KNOW ABOUT IT!
THE LAST PRESIDENT HID THE CONTENTS OF EVERY INTERACTION HE
HAD WITH PUTIN, AND ONCE SAID "WHAT HAPPENS IN HIS PUTIN
MEETINGS WAS 'NONE OF OUR BUSINESS,' HE TOOK POSSESSION OF
THE NOTES OF HIS OWN INTERPRETER AND INSTRUCTED THE LINGUIST NOT
TO DISCUSS WHAT HAD TRANSPIRED," AND EVEN "DESTROYED THE
TRANSLATORS' NOTES AFTERWARDS."
NOTHING SUSPICIOUS ABOUT THAT!
IT'S JUST LIKE A HUSBAND SAYING, "HONEY, MY CORPORATE RETREAT WAS
GREAT AND NOTHING HAPPENED WITH MY ASSISTANT JENNIFER.
NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I DEACTIVATE MY INSTAGRAM, CHANGE
MY NAME, AND GET A SHOT OF PENICILLIN."
JOE BIDEN IS TAKING AMERICAN FOREIGN POLICY BACK TO WHAT I
CAN ONLY DESCRIBE AS "AMERICAN" FOREIGN POLICY.
AND I'LL TELL YOU MORE IN MY NEW SEGMENT, RETURNING TO...
>> NORMS!
>> Stephen: NOW, YOU MIGHT BE SAYING: THAT RIGHT THERE,
"THAT'S NORM FROM 'CHEERS,' BUT WHO'S THE OTHER GUY?"
THAT'S NORM WINER, THE FATHER OF BECCA WINER, ONE OF OUR WRITERS'
ASSISTANTS.
IT WAS VERY IMPORTANT THAT, FOR "NORMS," ONE OF THE NORMS BE A
NORMAL NORM.
NOW, IN THEIR CALL-- DID I EXPLAIN THAT?
OKAY, GOOD.
IN THEIR CALL, BIDEN ALSO TOOK PUTIN TO TASK FOR THE COMPUTER
HACK OF OUR GOVERNMENT, AND PUTIN'S TREATMENT OF RUSSIAN
OPPOSITION LEADER AND GUY WHO JUST GOT DUMPED AT A TURTLENECK
FASHION SHOW, ALEXEI NAVALNY.
NAVALNY WAS POISONED, WHICH MANY SUSPECT WAS AN ASSASSINATION
ATTEMPT ORDERED BY THE KREMLIN.
YES, THEY SUSPECT A GUY FAMOUS FOR KILLING POLITICAL OPPONENTS
OF TRYING TO KILL HIS POLITICAL OPPONENT.
IT'S PART OF THE NEW RUSSIAN EDITION OF THE CLASSIC BOARD
GAME, "CLUE: PUTIN DID IT."
HERE'S HOW THEY DID IT.
REPORTEDLY, PUTIN'S ASSASSINS PLANTED A LETHAL NERVE AGENT IN
NAVALNY'S UNDERPANTS.
THEY TRIED TO KILL HIM WITH HIS TIGHTY WHITIES!
THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR WEARING "FRUIT OF THE TOMB."
NAVALNY RETURNED TO RUSSIA AND WAS MMEDIATELY JAILED, BUT THAT
HAS NOT SILENCED HIM.
RIGHT AFTER HIS ARREST, NAVALNY DROPPED A VIDEO ENTITLED
"PUTIN'S PALACE," TYING PUTIN'S CORRUPTION TO HIS $1.3 BILLION
PALACE.
NOW, IT SOUNDS BAD FOR A GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL TO HAVE THAT
KIND OF CASH, BUT REMEMBER, PUTIN SAVES A LOT OF MONEY ON
SHIRTS.
THE VIDEO GOT ALMOST 100 MILLION YOUTUBE VIEWS IN THE FIRST WEEK.
AND IT SHOWS OVER-THE-TOP FEATURES LIKE THIS SPLENDIFEROUS
THEATER WITH SPLIT-LEVEL VELVET BANQUETTE BOX SEATS.
THAT WOULD BE A TOUGH ROOM TO PLAY.
"HEY, DID YOU HEAR THE ONE ABOUT THE PRESIDENT WHO WAS SO GREAT
THAT EVERYONE LOVED HIM?
THAT'S MY TIME.
PLEASE, TIP YOUR WAITER, AND THEN HUNT HIM FOR SPORT IN THE
MORNING.
IT'S CROSSBOWS."
THE COMPOUND ALSO FEATURES AN ELABORATE HOOKAH BAR WITH A
STAGE THAT HAS A RISING STRIPPER POLE, A LAVISH CASINO, AN
OUTDOOR GREEK AMPHITHEATER, AND THIS GREEN MOUND THAT HOUSES AN
UNDERGROUND HOCKEY RINK WITH ITS OWN HELIPADS.
BECAUSE YOU CAN'T BE TRAVELING FROM YOUR PRIVATE OUTDOOR GREEK
AMPHITHEATER TO YOUR SUBTERRANEAN HOCKEY RINK VIA
HOVERCRAFT LIKE SOME ANIMAL.
BUT HE IS REALLY "PUTIN" ON THE RITZ IN HIS INSANE PRIVATE
APARTMENTS, WITH A MASSIVE FOUR-POSTER CANOPY BED,
GOLD-COFFERED CEILINGS, AND TACKY GOLD MOLDINGS AND
CHERUB SCULPTURES EVERYWHERE.
YOU KNOW WHAT'S FUN?
YOU DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE THAT HALFWAY THROUGH THAT, I JUST
SWITCHED FROM SHOWING THE DICTATOR'S COMPOUND TO SHOWING
OUR OLD PRESIDENT'S APARTMENT.
BUT HE LIVED BY THE OLD SAYING: DECORATE FOR THE JOB YOU WANT.
SPEAKING OF CORRUPT REGIMES, ONE FORMER ADMINISTRATION OFFICIAL
IS REALLY HAVING A TOUGH TIME, BECAUSE WE JUST LEARNED THAT
MIKE PENCE IS HOMELESS.
OH, THAT CAN'T BE PRETTY.
( AS PENCE, BUSKING )
"F" TRAIN, IT IS SHOWTIME.
HIT IT, MOTHER.
A-5-6-7-8: OUR FATHER WHO ART IN HEAVEN, PLEASE LET THESE PEOPLE
BUY ONE OF OUR CANDY BAR.
MOTHER, WORK THE POLE."
AND SCENE.
THE PROBLEM IS SINCE PENCE HAD FREE GOVERNMENT LODGING FOR THE
LAST FOUR YEARS, THE EX-VEEP DOESN'T OWN A HOUSE.
SO WHEN THE PENCES MOVED OUT OF THE VICE PRESIDENT'S RESIDENCE,
THEY HAD NOWHERE TO GO.
THAT'S HOW ALL-IN MIKE PENCE WAS WITH HIS DELUSIONAL BOSS.
HE WAS SO DEVOTED TO THE LIE THAT THEY HAD BEATEN BIDEN, THAT
HE MADE NO PLANS WHATSOEVER ON WHERE TO LIVE.
THAT'S LIKE THE "TITANIC" GETTING RID OF ITS LIFEBOATS TO
HAVE MORE HULL SPACE TO PAINT THE WORD "UNSINKABLE!"
BUT THEY'RE NOT OUT ON THE STREET.
THE PENCES ARE REPORTEDLY COUCH SURFING THEIR WAY THROUGH
INDIANA, WHICH IS ALSO THE TITLE OF THE WORST BEACH BOYS ALBUM
EVER.
WHEN ASKED WHY HE WAS DOING THIS, PENCE HAD A SIMPLE ANSWER:
>> I GOT NOWHERE ELSE TO GO!
>> Stephen: HE LOOKS REALLY GOOD, LOOKS REALLY GOOD.
LETTING A FRIEND CRASH ON YOUR COUCH IS NO BIG DEAL, UNTIL YOU
CONSIDER THAT THE PENCES STILL HAVE SECRET SERVICE PROTECTION.
"THANKS SO MUCH FOR YOUR HOSPITALITY, STEVE, BUT, SORRY,
BEFORE YOU ENTER THE KITCHEN, YOU WILL HAVE TO BE CAVITY
SEARCHED."
BUT FINDING A PLACE TO STAY SHOULDN'T BE THAT HARD.
I CAN THINK OF THOUSANDS OF GUYS WHO WANT TO HANG WITH MIKE
PNCE.
RIGHT, FELLAS?
>> HANG MIKE PENCE!
HANG MIKE PENCE!
>> Stephen: CLOSE ENOUGH.
PENCE ISN'T THE ONLY PRESIDENTIAL LACKEY HAVING A
BIT OF A TOUGH TIME.
SO IS MYPILLOW FOUNDER, MIKE LINDELL, SEEN HERE
INAPPROPRIATELY TOUCHING AN EMPLOYEE.
LINDELL HAS SPENT THE PAST FEW MONTHS PEDDLING DEBUNKED
CONSPIRACY THEORIES ABOUT VOTER FRAUD, URGING THE LAST
ADMINISTRATION TO IMPOSE MARTIAL LAW TO REMAIN IN OFFICE, AND
HAVING THE MYPILLOW SITE OFFER DISCOUNT CODES LIKE "QANON."
I GUESS LINDELL THOUGHT BETRAYING YOUR COUNTRYWOULD PAY
OFF.
REMINDS ME OF WHEN BENEDICT ARNOLD SOLD US OUT TO THE
BRITISH TO GET 15% OFF A SET OF SHAKE WEIGHTS.
LAST WEEK, J.C. PENNEY DROPPED MYPILLOW, ALONG WITH KOHL'S AND
BED BATH & BEYOND.
AND, YESTERDAY, TWITTER BANNED LINDELL.
OH, THAT'S NICE-- NO MORE FASCIST CONSPIRACIES TO
DISTRACT YOU FROM THE TOXIC MISOGYNY.
BUT WITH MYPILLOW IN TROUBLE, THERE'S AN OPENING IN THE MARKET
FOR CONSPIRACY-SPREADING, AS-SEEN-ON-TV PRODUCTS.
AND ONE COMPANY IS TAKING ADVANTAGE WITH THIS NEW AD:
>> EGGS!
THEY'RE IMPOSSIBLE-- HOLDING THEM, CRACKING THEM, MAKING THEM
HOT.
BUT NOT ANYMORE, THANKS TO THE EGG WHIZZARD!
THE EGG WHIZZARD MAKES PERFECT EGGS EVERY TIME, AND IT'S THE
ONLY KITCHEN PRODUCT GUARANTEED TO FIGHT THE SECRET CABAL OF
SATAN-WORSHIPPING CANNIBALS WHO CONTROL OUR WATER SUPPLY!
NO MORE MESSY COUNTERS!
NO MORE SLOPPY PLATES!
NO MORE GEORGE SOROS LIZARD MEN.
THE EGG WHIZZARD MAKES EGGS EASY!
AS EASY AS IT WAS FOR MR. ROGERS TO FAKE HIS OWN DEATH AND LIVE
UNDER AN ASSUMED NAME IN CUBA UNTIL HE RECEIVES THE SIGNAL TO
RETURN AT THE HEAD OF AN ARMY OF CHILD PATRIOTS AND ARREST BO AND
SUNNY OBAMA!
>> WHEN I TRIED THE EGG WHIZZARD, I THOUGHT, THERE'S NO
WAY A SINGLE PRODUCT CAN MAKE GREAT OMELETS, FLUFFY MERINGUES,
AND STOP THE TRILATERAL COMMISSION FROM USING ikea.com
TO PLANT D.N.A.-GATHERING DEVICES IN OUR FURNITURE SO THAT
OPRAH CAN CLONE US FOR ORGAN MEAT.
BUT IT CAN!
>> ORDER NOW WITH PROMO CODE "THE GATHERING IS NIGH," AND
WE'LL THROW IN A FREE TOASTINATOR!
YOU'LL LOVE THE WAY IT MAKES TOAST!
BUT YOU KNOW WHO WON'T?
THE SWARM OF SENTIENT CYBER HORNETS WHO CALL THEMSELVES
"HILLARY CLINTON."
>> Stephen: WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE BILLY CRYSTAL AND REPRESENTATIVE JACKIE SPEIER.
STICK AROUND.
♪ ♪ ♪