- What is relationship trauma?
Have you ever been verbally assaulted, belittled,
or made to feel small by someone important in your life?
This is a form of relationship trauma.
How do you know if you have experienced trauma
or is it all in your head?
And what's the difference
between conflict in a relationship and abuse?
We're going to cover all of this and so much more today.
Stick with us.
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This channel is all about healing from trauma.
So you can feel safe, whole, and worthy of love.
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Relationship trauma is not just physical and sexual abuse.
It can include mental and emotional harm as well.
Often the mental and emotional injuries,
are harder to recognize and explain.
Because of manipulation, along with the reality
that wounds and scars are often unseen.
You cannot take a picture of yourself doubt,
your shattered worth, and fragmented self image and say,
"See, this is what happened to me and it was wrong.
"I need help and healing because I deserve to feel worthy
"loved, and safe in my relationships."
Did you know, emotional abuse is present
in about 80% of intimate relationships?
While 50% of couples report experiencing
a lifetime of emotional abuse by a partner,
the reality is chronic emotional abuse
and even neglect can be just as devastating
as physical or sexual abuse.
It comes from not being seen,
not being understood, and having nowhere to feel safe.
Being treated this way is destructive for anyone.
Though, it is particularly crushing for children.
If you've experienced emotional trauma as a child,
chances are high
it has been a part of your adult relationships also.
Have you ever thought something along the lines of,
"I haven't been a firefighter, a police officer,
"served in a war zone or been physically assaulted."
So it's not really trauma.
Or if I have experienced trauma, it's not that bad.
So, I should just get over it.
Here's the reason you can not just get over it.
The brain and body actually responds
to emotional abuse in the same way,
it responds to physical abuse.
Through neuroimaging or taking pictures of the brain,
we know that the areas of the brain
that light up when we experience physical pain,
are the exact same areas that light up
when we experience emotional pain.
The child's rhyme, "Sticks and stones may break your bones
"but words can never hurt us," isn't true.
So how exactly does trauma affect us?
When we experienced verbal aggression,
emotional assault, or manipulation,
our brain goes into survival mode.
So as to better deal with the stress and deprivation,
it affects our memory, our ability to learn,
motor skills and coordination.
We struggle to process emotions and may struggle
to evaluate whether or not our environment is safe.
Basically every part of our brain that sets us apart,
from the animal kingdom is affected.
Begins to shut down and disengage.
We then begin to process our life disproportionately
through what is called the reptilian brain.
With the focus being on surviving, instead of thriving.
What exactly is emotional abuse?
It is any non-physical behavior or attitude,
that is designed to control, subdue, punish,
or isolate another person,
through the use of humiliation or fear.
This manipulation can take a thousand different forms.
We will talk about just a few.
Control often comes in the form of time, money or behavior,
whether it is needing to know where you are at all times
not allowing you to have access to money
or expecting you to change behavior
to conform to their supposed ideal.
You are expected to sacrifice your autonomy,
or individuality, to meet their wants.
There isn't room for you to be who you are in your own life.
You need to be who they want you to be.
Punishment could be withdrawing support, help or finances,
or giving the silent treatment, or stonewalling.
Stonewalling is withdrawing from a relationship
in efforts to show disproval, distance, and separation.
For example, maybe your husband stops talking to you
for three days.
You have no clue what happened.
There had been no fight, no conflict, no expression of need.
It turns out he was hurt and feeling neglected
because you had been busy caring for your child,
running a business and planning your sister's baby shower.
The obvious solution is to punish you
by ignoring you for three days.
Now, this may or may not have happened
in a previous marriage of mine.
So, I get it, I really do.
The problem is not that someone's feelings were hurt,
but in the unhealthy way, the hurt was expressed,
with the intention to hurt and minimize others.
Emotional abuse can also look
like isolation from friends and family.
It may start subtly.
Maybe they complain about how often
you talk to your brother on the phone
or say they don't like your best friend
and don't think you should hang out with him or her anymore.
Or they try to turn you
against anyone that you're used to relying on.
Their goal is to strip you of your support network
and anyone you would turn to besides them.
Emotional trauma can also take the form
of name-calling, chronic criticism, and contempt.
Which is to verbally attack
your partner's personality or character.
Attacking their sense of self with the intention to insult,
or psychologically control or abuse them.
Criticism like isolation is also something
that can start small.
In fact, you might try to convince yourself
that your partner's criticism is warranted,
or they're just trying to help you be a better person.
Or you may try to rationalize it
saying that it's not such a big deal
that he or she doesn't like the way you dress,
or speak, or eat, or decorate your house.
And that you shouldn't take it personally.
But ultimately, no matter how individually small
a criticism seems,
if it's part of a constant dynamic within your relationship,
it would be very tough to feel loved, accepted or validated.
Your partner might even be play the victim.
Viewing themselves as the victim
and efforts to reverse blame.
I want you to remember something.
If this is the only thing you get out of this video,
remember emotional abuse is never ever the fault
of the person subjected to it.
These are just a few
of the forms relationship trauma might take.
But what is the difference
between relationship trauma and conflict?
All relationships are bound to have conflict.
We are different people
with different needs and personalities.
My husband likes to say, "Conflict is like manure,
"it stinks, no one likes it,
"but it is necessary for growth."
I agree, the difference is healthy conflict
enables you to grow as an individual, and as a couple.
Resolving conflict in a healthy way helps you to feel loved,
heard, and understood.
Relationship trauma does the opposite.
It shatters your self-worth, fragments your self image,
and leaves you feeling worthless and alone.
If you need support and help healing from a relationship
in your life, check out our video,
how to get over past relationship trauma.
Emotional trauma stays with you
and shapes who you are as a person.
It can also leave its own scar one that is not as visible,
but physically affects your brain's ability to function,
process emotions, and handle stress.
Chronic stress resulting from emotional abuse
or any other kinds of trauma, releases cortisol.
A stress hormone, which can damage
and affect the main area of the brain,
associated with learning and memory.
This leads to mental diagnoses like depression and anxiety.
Please recognize most often,
anxiety and depression is a symptom of a root issue.
The anxiety and depression is not the problem.
It is your body sending out warning shots,
trying to get your attention,
to let you know something is wrong,
and that you are not okay.
Fortunately, our brains are resilient
and have a remarkable ability to recover.
And with the right support,
it is possible to strengthen and repair the damage.
New neural connections can be created
and healing tools can be learned.
Meditation, conversation, art, music, exercise,
and all other forms of self-expression
can be a powerful healing tool.
If this video has been pivotal for you
when it comes to understanding
relationship trauma in your life,
please share so that you can be a part
of making a difference for someone else.
Remember to subscribe and click the bell,
and watch the next video, until next time, keep shining,
we need your light.
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