♪ ♪
>> Greg: OH, I DIDN’T SEE IT.
IT’S FRIDAY.
HAPPY FRIDAY, EVERYONE.
WHAT A GREAT DAY.
175 DAYS UNTIL NEW YEAR’S EVE.
GOD, I LOVE RYAN SEACREST.
WASTE NOT OFTEN I SAY THIS BUT A
POLITICIAN DID SOMETHING I
TOTALLY ABSOLUTELY LOVE AND IT
DOESN’T INVOLVE SUICIDE.
YOU SICK, HORRIBLE PEOPLE.
IT DOES INVOLVE A DEMOCRAT.
I KNOW.
WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME?
BESIDES THE OBVIOUS STUFF.
DO I HAVE A HEAD INJURY.
IF I HAD A DOLLAR EVERY TIME MY
MOM ASKED ME THAT AS A BABY.
AFTER SHE WOULD PUSH ME OFF THE
BASSINET.
LAST NIGHT I COMPLEMENTED
HILLARY CLINTON.
MAN, DID I GET A TONE OF HATE
MAIL FOR THAT.
MOST OF IT FROM BILL.
BUT NOW I’M ABOUT TO COMPLEMENT
CORY BOOKER.
STOP.
I KNOW, IT SOUNDS LIKE I’M
LOSING MY MIND.
YOU REMEMBER COREY.
HE’S THE GUY WHO SAYS THIS CRAZY
STUFF.
>> THE CLOSEST I WILL PROBABLY
HAVE TO "I AM SPARTACUS."
MOMENT.
SOMETIMES MY TESTOSTERONE MAKES
ME FEEL LIKE PUNCHING HIM.
I HURT.
WHEN DICK DURBIN CALLED ME I HAD
TEARS OF RAGE LEARNING ABOUT
THAT MEETING.
ARE YOU NOT TO FEEL THAT HURT,
YOUR SILENCE IS COMPLICITY.
I WANT TO TELL YOU WHEN I LOOK
AT YOU, THIS IS WHY I GET
EMOTIONAL.
NO ONE IS GOING TO STEAL THAT
JOY.
YOU HAVE EARNED THIS SPOT.
YOU ARE WORTHY.
>> Greg: HE COULD BE A PELOTON
INSTRUCTOR.
HE CAN BE A TAD MELODRAMATIC.
LIKE HE’S AUDITIONING FOR A
STARRING ROLE IN THE HIGH SCHOOL
VERSION OF "THE MUSIC MAN."
PLEASE NOT DONE.
COMPARED TO THE SQUAD, THE DUDE
IS EINSTEIN.
THAT’S BECAUSE UNLIKE THEM, HIS
HEAD IS ONLY THREE QUARTERS OF
THE WAY UP HIS BUTT SO HE IS
GETTING SOME OXYGEN.
I LIKE FOR WHAT HE SAID ON
MONDAY.
>> HERE IS THAT A CONFESSION.
I’VE BEEN RUNNING FOR ALMOST
SEVEN MONTHS STRAIGHT BUT MY
WEIGHT HAS BEEN GOING UP AND
DOWN.
YOU CAN’T OUT RUN A BAG OF
OREOS.
YOU CAN’T OUT RUN A LATE NIGHT
HUNT OF -- PINT OF VEGAN
ICE CREAM.
I AM CHALLENGING MYSELF AND I
WANT TO CHALLENGE YOU, IF YOU
WANT TO JOIN ME ON THIS
EXPERIMENT, LIFE IS TOO SHORT
NOT TO TRY NEW THINGS.
FROM JULY 4TH TO LABOR DAY, I AM
GETTING -- GIVING UP ALL ADDED
SUGAR IN DRINK AND FOOD.
>> Greg: YOU CAN’T OUT RUN
VEGAN ICE CREAM.
OH, MAN.
I THINK WE HAVE FOUND OUR NEXT
THOMAS JEFFERSON.
FINALLY, A DEMOCRAT WHO
ADDRESSES SOMETHING REAL.
NOT SOME [BLEEP] VIRTUE
SIGNALING.
HE IS TALKING ABOUT SUGAR WHICH
LEADS TO OBESITY WHICH LEADS TO
DEATH OR WORSE, 80-YEAR-OLD
WOMEN IN BIKINIS.
WHO WOULD SNEAK THAT PHOTO INTO
MY MONOLOGUE?
KAT.
FINALLY, A DEMOCRAT NOT SPOUTING
SOME WOKE CRAP.
TALKING ABOUT SUGAR, THE BANE OF
OUR EXISTENCE.
OR SHOULD I SAY THE CANE OF OUR
EXISTENCE.
I KNOW.
THAT’S WHY I AM SEATED HERE.
AND BY HOUR, I MEAN FLASHY
YO-YOS LIKE ME.
UP AND DOWN, BENT DOWN.
IT’S NOT JUST MY PECKS WHEN I
FLEX BUT ALSO MY WEIGHT AND IT’S
ALL BECAUSE OF SUGAR.
I LOVE SUGAR.
SO MUCH THAT I HATE SUGAR.
I FEEL THE SAME WAY ABOUT THE
BACHELOR BUT THE BACHELOR
DOESN’T MAKE MY MIDSECTION GROW
LIKE OUR NATIONAL DEBT.
POLITICAL HUMOR.
VERY LITTLE.
PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE EDITED IT
OUT.
SO BUCHER BRINGING IT UP MAKES
HIM MY FAVORITE DEMOCRAT WHICH I
KNOW IS LIKE SAYING MY FAVORITE
PROCTOLOGIST.
WHO IS GARY.
I GO ONCE A MONTH.
HE HAS GREAT HANDS.
BUCHER’S CHALLENGES PRACTICAL
AND POSITIVE.
IT’S ALSO FREE.
MAYBE THIS IS ONLY WHAT
POLITICIANS SHOULD DO SINCE THEY
SUCK AT EVERYTHING ELSE.
THEY HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO REDUCE
INFLATION OR CRIME.
WHY NOT TRY OUR LOVE HANDLES?
HE’S GOT A POINT.
AMERICA USES TAX DOLLARS TO MAKE
SUGAR CHEAP THEN WE END UP WITH
SUPERSIZED PEOPLE WITH
SUPERSIZED HEALTH PROBLEMS AND
YOU KNOW WARM TALKING ABOUT.
ME.
ALSO WE HAVE ALL BEEN TO WALMART
AND SEEN A FIVE FAT SCOOTER
PILEUP IN THE CANDY AISLE OR
TWO...
I AM WITH THEM!
>> Tyrus: I HAVE SEEN IT.
>> Greg: YOU HAVE BEEN IN
COSTCO.
TWO 400-POUND PEOPLE BEATING THE
SPEECH WHEN ONE OUT OF EACH
OTHER FOR THE LAST FAMILY SIZE
PACK OF TWIZZLERS.
THINK ABOUT COVID.
WHO GOT REALLY SICK?
THE OLD AND ALSO THE OBESE
BECAUSE OBESITY IS A COMORBIDITY
FOR EVERYTHING.
NO ADVANTAGES EXCEPT WHEN IT’S
COLD OUTSIDE.
POSSIBLY DURING A TUG-OF-WAR.
HAVE YOU WALKED AROUND YOUR TOWN
WHEN SCHOOL GETS OUT?
NO JOKE, KIDS ARE HUGE.
IN A BAD WAY.
GIANT INFLATABLE VERSIONS OF
KIDS.
IT IS SO BAD THAT SCHOOL BUS
DRIVERS HAVE TO MAKE SURE
THERE’S EQUAL NUMBERS OF KIDS
SITTING ON EQUAL SIDES OF THE
AISLE.
THETHE BOSTON ROLLOVER WHILE
TURNING.
IT’S SO BAD, SOME KIDS ARE
GETTING TO SCHOOL BY ROLLING.
THIS IS NOT FAT SHAVING,
SHAMING, TYRUS.
I PUT ON OVER 15 POUNDS IN THE
LAST TWO MONTHS AND I BLAME
SUGAR.
I WENT FROM A 10 TO A 9.3 THANKS
TO FAMOUS AMOS.
THAT’S MY POT DEALER.
I DIGRESS.
I WORK OUT EVERY DAY AND I
CANCEL IT OUT BY SUCKING DOWN
COOKIES BECAUSE THEY ARE SITTING
THERE IN FRONT OF ME ON THE
DASHBOARD OF THE TREADMILL.
I’M NOT CRITICIZING YOU FOR
BEING OVERWEIGHT.
I’M CRITICIZING ME WHICH I
DESPERATELY NEED BECAUSE BEING
THE HOST OF TWO HIT TV SHOWS AND
AN INTERNATIONAL SEX SYMBOL, I
CAN’T LOSE THIS GIRLISH FIGURE.
SO I NOT ONLY CREDIT BROKER FOR
DOING SOMETHING PROACTIVE.
I’M ALSO GOING TO TAKE THE
CHALLENGE.
FROM NOW ON UNTIL LABOR DAY I’M
GOING WITHOUT ADDED OR PROCESSED
SUGAR.
NOT INCLUDING WIND OF COURSE
SINCE IT IS A FRUIT.
AND I’M GOING TO SWEETEN THE
POT, PUN INTENDED.
IF I END UP HEAVIER ON LABOR DAY
BUT I AM NOT, I WILL DO AN
ENTIRE SHOW SHORT-LIST, MAN
BOOBS AND ALL.
IT’S DISGUSTING BUT IF I END UP
LIGHTER, THAN MR. BOOKER HAS TO
COME ON THE SHOW DRESSED LIKE
SPARTACUS.
YEAH.
HOW ABOUT THAT?
THE CHALLENGE GAVE THIS SHOW AN
IDEA.
WHY DON’T WE COME UP WITH OUR
OWN CHALLENGE?
>> INTRODUCING THE GUTFELD
CHALLENGE.
NO POOP JOKES UNTIL LABOR DAY.
THAT’S RIGHT.
THAT MEANS ZERO JOKES ABOUT
DIARRHEA, CONSTIPATION,
FIGHTING, SHARDING, THOSE
DISGUSTING TABLES COVERED IN
CRAP.
GO ABOUT YOUR DAY NOT MAKING
POOP JOKES.
IF YOUR NAME IS GREGORY GUTFELD
IT WILL BE THE MOST DIFFICULT
TWO MONTHS OF YOUR LIFE.
>> Greg: TRUE.
IT’S GOING TO BE TOUGH.
MY ADVICE FOR THE REST OF YOU,
DO NOT RELIANT WILLPOWER.
IT IS ABOUT AVAILABILITY.
IF SOMETHING IS AROUND YOU,
YOU’RE GOING TO EAT IT.
THAT’S WHY I DON’T HAVE CHILDREN
CHILDREN.
GET RID OF ALL THE STUFF IN YOUR
HOUSE THAT’S SUGARY.
THAT IS HALF THE BATTLE.
THE REST IS KEEPING BUSY, IDLE
HANDS ALWAYS END UP STUCK IN AN
EMPTY TUBE OF PRINGLES.
BOREDOM LEADS TO SNACKING AND
SNACKING LEADS TO THIS.
SO I’M GOING TO JOIN MR. BOOKER
BEFORE I TURN INTO THAT.
WE HAVE TO FIGHT OBESITY ONE
STEP AT A TIME LESS OF COURSE
THERE’S AN ESCALATOR. LET’S WELCOME TONIGHT’S GUESTS.
LET’S WELCOME TONIGHT’S GUESTS.
SHE HAS TAKEN MORE QUESTIONS
THAT BIDEN HAS TAKEN NASS.
FORMER WHITE HOUSE
PRESS SECRETARY
KAYLEIGH McENANY.
THEY SAY LOOKS CAN BE DECEIVING BUT NOT THIS TIME.
BUT NOT THIS TIME.
FOUNDER OF THE LOFTUSPARTY.COM,
MICHAEL LOFTUS.
SHE IS LIKE A STATELY
C-TERMINAL.
SHE COULD BE WELL OVER 40 YEARS
OLD.
KAT TIMPF.
FINALLY, HE NEVER NEEDED A BOOSTER SEAT.
BOOSTER SEAT.
MY MASSIVE SIDEKICK, TYRUS.
SO, KAYLEE, YOUR PREGNANT.
CONGRATULATIONS.
>> Kayleigh: THANK YOU.
>> Greg: IT’S NOT THAT HARD.
7 BILLION PEOPLE ON THE PLANET.
ARE YOU GOING TO APPLAUD
EVERYONE THAT IS BORN.
ANYWAY.
YOU GET TO EAT FOR TWO.
>> IT’S FANTASTIC.
FIRST THE DEMOCRATS CAME FOR MY
FUTURE BABIES BABY FORMULA AND
NOW THEY ARE COMING FOR A
PREGNANT PERSON, A BIRTHING
PERSON.
>> Greg: YOU ARE AGAINST THIS
IDEA?
>> Kayleigh: I HAD A
RICE KRISPIE TREAT, M&MS AND
CARAMEL YESTERDAY.
I’M PLANNING MY DESSERT WHEN I
GET HOME.
THIS IS WHAT PREGNANT WOMEN DO.
WE EAT DESSERT.
>> Greg: WHAT IF YOU WEREN’T
PREGNANT.
WHEN YOU TAKE THIS CHALLENGE?
>> Kayleigh: UNDER NO
CIRCUMSTANCE.
YOU’RE TELLING ME IF YOU PASSED
UP CUPCAKES, YOU’RE JUST WALKING
BY?
>> Greg: I USUALLY SPIT ON
THEM.
THAT WAY NO ONE CAN HAVE THEM.
IF I CAN’T HAVE THEM, NO ONE
WILL.
LIKE MY HIGH SCHOOL
RELATIONSHIPS.
>> Michael: [LAUGHS]
>> Tyrus: WHY THE HELL ARE YOU
LOOKING AT ME?
>> Greg: I AM LOOKING FOR
HELP.
IT IS GOOD TO HAVE KATIE LYING
ON THE SHOW.
[LAUGHTER] IT’S GOOD TO HAVE KD LANG ON THE
IT’S GOOD TO HAVE KD LANG ON THE
SHOW.
>> DEAR DIARY.
GREG REALLY THINKS...
NO.
CAN’T FIGHT BACK.
THIS IS THE NAME OF THE SHOW.
>> Greg: MICHAEL, JUST KIDDING
OF COURSE.
YOU ARE WEARING A JEAN JACKET
AND YOU LOOK LIKE KD LANG.
>> Michael: AND A SUPERHOT
WAY.
>> Greg: EXACTLY PEER-REVIEWED
>> I SEE CRYBABY DROPPING OUT OF
A ACTING CLASS GETTING READY TO
BAN SUGAR.
THIS IS THE GROUNDWORK.
MY OWN CHALLENGE.
I WAS LIKE SPARTACUS.
THERE IS NOTHING MORE ANNOYING
THAN WATCHING PEOPLE WHO DON’T
HAVE A WEIGHT PROBLEM TALK ABOUT
THEIR WEIGHT PROBLEM.
>> Greg: THAT’S WHAT KAYLEIGH
JUST SAID.
>> Kayleigh: HE WANTS CALLED
HIMSELF AN OVERWEIGHT TO BEGIN.
>> Michael: OF THE SAME TIME
SUPPOSEDLY HE WAS WITH ROSARIO
DAWSON.
SHE IS SMOKING HOT.
I AM SO FAT I CAN’T EVEN GET A
GIRLFRIEND.
SHUT UP.
IF I’M GOING TO BE SNORTING
LINES OF SUGAR ALL NIGHT LONG
LIKE HUNTER BIDEN.
AT A RUSSIAN’S HOUSE.
>> Greg: I CHALLENGE YOU TO
GIVE UP SUGAR AND PERHAPS TAKE
UP BATHING.
>> Kat: I JUST LOOKED UP "WHAT IS A KD LANG?"
IS A KD LANG?"
YOU DO LOOK LIKE THAT.
>> Michael: DEAR DIARY, KAT
ZINGED ME TOO.
>> Greg: IT IS THE MOST TIME
KD LANG’S NAME HAS BEEN SPOKEN
IN 20 YEARS.
KAT, WOULD YOU JOIN ME IN THIS
CHALLENGE?
I HAVE THE SAME PROBLEM.
NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO WHEN YOU
EXERCISE, IF YOU EAT SUGAR, IT’S
GOING TO ENGAGE EVERYTHING.
>> Kat: , I’LL DO IT.
WITH MOST COMMITMENTS, THERE’S
NO WAY TO VERIFY THAT YOUR
STICKING TO IT.
YOU CAN SAY YOU’RE DOING IT.
NO ONE’S GOING TO KNOW.
IT WILL PROBABLY EAT THREE
STAKES A DAY.
>> Greg: THAT’S WHAT I’LL DO.
YOU CAN EAT UNLIMITED AMOUNTS OF
MEAT AND LOSE WEIGHT.
>> Kat: I DON’T KNOW WHAT IS
IN ANYTHING I EAT BECAUSE I
DON’T COOK.
A FEW YEARS AGO I DID.
THE PANDEMIC.
I MADE SOUP.
>> Greg: ALL RIGHT.
JEEZ LOUISE.
IT’S HARD TO COME UP WITH
MONOLOGUES EVERY DAY, AS YOU CAN
TELL.
I THOUGHT THIS WOULD WORK.
TYRUS, YOU KNOW WHAT I’M TALKING
ABOUT.
>> Tyrus: I’M WITH YOU, I
AGREE.
I HAVE FOUGHT THE WEIGHT
MONSTER.
ALWAYS HOLLERING AT ME.
WHISPERING BLEEPED IN MY EAR.
BUT I WANT TO BE WITH YOU WITH
CORY ABOUT THE BROTHER DRIVES ME
CRAZY.
HE ALWAYS DOES THINGS.
JUST SAY IT.
HE TAKES THESE LONG WALKS.
GET TO THE POINT.
THERE’S NO SUCH THING AS A BAG
OF OREOS.
NO ONE HAS EVER BEEN CAUGHT BY
VEGAN ICE CREAM.
IT’S FAST CAN WRAP AND SET IN
YOUR HAVING 33 FLAVORS.
HE DOES THINGS LIKE "OH, WE’RE
GOING TO MAKE LYNCHING OUT LOG."
FOR REAL?
IT IS MURDER AND ASSAULT.
I THINK WE’VE GOT IT COVERED.
YOU ARE 1000% RIGHT AND I
COMMEND YOU.
IT’S FRUCTOSE SYRUP -- WITH
EVERYONE SEES HUNTER BIDEN’S
MOCHA CRACK PIPE.
BUT IF THEY SEE ME EATING A
CUPCAKE, THEY ARE SAYING GIVE ME
ANOTHER ONE.
I FAST AFTER 5:00.
I AM DOWN 35 POUNDS.
I HAD TO CHANGE MY LIFE TO DO
IT.
I GO TO SOMEONE’S HOUSE AT 6:00
FOR DINNER.
I’M SORRY.
I FASTED.
I DON’T EAT AFTER 5:00.
YOU CAN HAVE ONE?
JUST ONE.
YOU’VE EARNED IT.
YOU ARE A BIG GUY.
YOU HAVE AN APPETITE.
I AM LIKE HIM I CAN’T HAVE ONE.
I WILL HAVE 47.
YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING
QUESTION RECKITT IS THE ONE
ADDICTION WE DON’T EVER TALK
ABOUT.
OBESITY IS JUST AS ROUGH AS
CANCER.
BUT YOU DO IT AT THE DINNER
TABLE, HOLIDAYS.
YOU SHOULD DO SOMETHING WITH
SUGAR.
I THOUGHT IT WAS GREAT.
THEY HAVE THAT 75-OUNCE BIG GULP
GULP.
>> Michael: IT’S AMERICA.
YOU CAN DO IT ALL.
>> Tyrus: BUT YOU ARE MAD WHEN
YOUR TAXES ARE PAYING FOR
EVERYONE’S TYPE 2 DIABETES WHICH
IS REALLY HURTING PEOPLE WHO ARE
BORN WITH DIABETES BECAUSE ALL
OF THAT INSULIN IS MISSING
BECAUSE IT’S GOING TO
TYPE 2 DIABETES.
>> Greg: THERE YOU GO.
HE LIKES BIG GULP BECAUSE HE
GETS TO USE THE CUP AFTERWARDS