- Hey everybody, happy Wednesday.
And since it's Wednesday, that means that I'm on the website
kati morton dot com and if you haven't hopped on
and checked it out, you've got to.
And I'm also on YouTube, so on yesterday's video,
you asked a question below,
so if you're on YouTube and that's your
primary place of hanging out,
next Tuesday, if you have a question,
below Tuesday's video you ask your questions
and then I'll read below and I'll find it,
and then I might put it in the next video,
so just to give you an idea of how my FAQs work.
And today I have four questions,
two from the website and two from YouTube,
just to make it even, and I have a journal topic,
so stay tuned at the end for that.
Okay, without further ado,
'cause I don't want this to be too long,
'cause I tend to blab a lot, is,
"Hi Kati, I heard people say that forgiving someone
doesn't mean that you are saying
that what they did was okay,
but what are you saying then
when you choose to forgive someone?"
Good question, right?
"Recently, I found out that someone I really looked up to
is a pathological liar and so
I don't actually know her at all.
I have had a lot of emotions and ups and downs
with this and I'm still working on processing it all.
I know there will come a time
when I will choose to forgive her,
but what can this forgiveness look like
because what she did is not okay.
I do not have any contact with her anymore,
but I just need closure, thanks."
Now, I picked this question because we deal in our lives
a lot with forgiveness, or lack of.
And both things are hard.
Now, to not forgive someone means that
we're carrying that anger and that frustration
and that hurt around with us all the time
and it can feel like it weighs so much
and it's so tiring, oh my god.
So the best choice, healthfully for ourselves is to forgive.
Now, the question that she's asking is,
I know that they say it doesn't mean what they did was okay
but then what are you saying?
To be honest, the person that hurt you
will never know that you forgive them,
unless this is a person that's like,
"I'm so sorry, oh my gosh, will you please forgive me,
please forgive me," and you can say,
"You know, I need some time,
but I will forgive you in time."
But it really it's none of their business.
Forgiveness is your choice,
it's something you do, honestly, to help yourself.
So by forgiving someone, you're actually not saying
anything to them at all, you're saying to yourself,
"This happened, I felt bad,
but I have to move on, and it will be okay."
I mean, in my life, like everybody,
I've had things happen to me
and people who are really hurtful,
and the best mantra that I can tell myself is,
"It's for me that I'm forgiving,
because I have to move on."
Does that make sense?
Because, oftentimes we're stuck,
it's actually ourselves that we're hurting
by holding onto it, and so I would encourage you
to find a mantra, if any of you have something
that you've told yourself,
or a phrase the therapist has said
that you thought was like so insightful,
if you can leave that below, that'd be really helpful,
but I personally, for myself,
will tell myself when I think someone's
a total asshole and I don't trust 'em,
like you said, they're not in your life anymore,
and it's almost like a toxic friend,
but you have to forgive them to move on.
I tell myself, you know, that was terrible,
what they did and they're obviously
not a person that I want in my life,
but I have to let this go so that I can be okay.
So that I can move on.
So I would just keep telling yourself to do this.
I'm forgiving to help myself move on, to get better myself.
And make it about you and your own process,
because, like you said, it's gonna take time,
but trust me, it's worth it.
And you'll feel such a relief and such that
weight lifted off your shoulders
once you're able to forgive them.
Question number two, how do you think gay people are made?
Are we born this way, does something happen
when we're little, do we choose to be this way,
or is it a combination of everything?
Now, I know I'm gonna be in hot water
for even bringing up this topic,
but that's part of the reason why I brought it up
because I think it's important
that we keep talking about this stuff.
And everyone's gonna have a different belief.
I know, just off the top of my head,
that if I say, "Oh, we're born this way,"
then potentially Christianity based religious people
might be like, "That's wrong," and if I said
something happens to us and then we choose to become,
then people who believe the other are gonna be like,
"You're so judgmental and blah blah blah."
And, honestly, I have quite a few friends in my life,
close friends who are gay,
and I've done videos with one of my best friends
who is a lesbian and it's a combination.
I have had clients who will tell me
that because they've been sexually abused in their life
they find men repulsive and so they become,
they're attracted to women.
I've had clients tell me that they always knew,
even when they were like eight years old,
they'd look at a woman or a man
and they'd think ooh, or yeah, whatever,
depending on if they're a guy or a girl,
they knew right away they were attracted to the same sex,
even in grade school when they're little
or as far back as they can remember.
So I think everyone is different.
There's never just a perfect,
oh, okay it fits for everybody, 'cause it never does,
and everyone's experience is different,
so if this is something that you are wondering about
or you're worried about or you don't know
if you wanna come out or whatever you're experiencing,
I have a bunch of videos on that,
so I would encourage you to search those on my channel.
Like I said, I sat down with one of my friends,
and she talked about how she knew,
the coming out process, and kind of where we go from there,
so hopefully you find some help
and, you know, understanding through those videos.
Question number three, "My counselor
mentioned taking a break from counseling
because I'm not making any progress.
Why would she mention that,
and is it bad if I'm not making any progress?"
We do that a lot.
I know that sounds terrible, but as a therapist,
if you're not making progress
then that means that together
we're just not getting anywhere,
we're kind of stuck, and oftentimes we'll take a break,
not only for us to try to think of new interventions
and things to talk with you about,
but also to give you a break,
so that maybe you can come to realize
something on your own, because therapy's a process,
and healing takes time, and sometimes even now,
after I'm working with a different therapist
than I was when my dad passed away,
things that she said years ago
will pop in my head and I'm like,
"Oh my gosh, that was genius."
And then I'll try to work on what
I understand now she was trying to do,
and that's years later so that is oftentimes why we do that.
So I would encourage you during this time
that you're taking if off, that you work on yourself.
Think about it, take some time to meditate
about what's going on in your life
and what you're working on
and what you were working on in therapy
and why you think you might be stuck,
but no it's not bad, it's just another,
kind of, therapeutic intervention
to get us to work past it, okay.
Question number four, "Hi Kati,
I'm almost positive that I have an eating disorder
and I really need help and I want to tell my parents
but I've had conversations with my parents
about eating disorders, just to see how they would read it
or how they would react, that's a good idea,
and they describe eating disorders
as a first world problem
and selfish girls seeking attention.
I was wondering if you have any suggestions
about talking to them and helping them realize
that this is actually a real problem, many thanks."
The best analogy I've come up with to date,
and if you have other ones, like always,
share below and you know, say,
"For question number four," blah blah blah.
But the best analogy I have is to compare it
to either having cancer or having an addiction
because I feel that it's important
for people who don't understand what eating disorders are
to see it in a realm where they do.
So you can say something like, you know,
someone who has alcoholism or drug abuse,
would you say that's a first world problem
and that only selfish people have that issue?
It depends on what your parents,
what you know about your parents
and how you think they'll respond,
but that's one that I find to be really effective,
especially for families who maybe have
a family relative of some sort who struggled with it
and they got help and all that stuff,
so I would bring it up, and I would say,
you know, would you say that about that,
or would you just say that they're sick
and they have a disease?
And same with like cancer or breaking a leg,
would you tell someone just to keep walking on it
and to just deal with it because it's not a real problem
it's a first world problem, would you say that
or would you go take them to the hospital
and get them help?
You'd probably take them to the hospital and get help.
Now just because this resides in our brain,
and not a broken bone, doesn't make it
any less severe or any less serious
or any less worthy of help.
And that's the best I've come up with yet,
so I hope that helps you communicate to them,
I know it's really difficult,
and I have lots of videos about how to talk to your parents,
so pairing that with what I've said before
in my other videos about the things
you need to make sure you tell them,
like what's happening and what you need from them
and stuff like that, I think that that
will give you the best possible outcome.
So hang in there, I know it's hard,
but I promise, you know,
it's never as bad as we anticipate, okay.
Now our journal topic today is a quote,
like always, 'cause I love quotes,
and I'm addicted to them,
and I go to brainy quote all the time,
so the quote is, "Courage is simply
the willingness to be afraid and act anyway."
And so I want you to think today
about what is something in your life
that you're afraid of, like are you afraid of
reaching out to join that choir,
or are you afraid of talking to that one friend
to rekindle a friendship, are you afraid
of taking that leap and applying for a job,
what is it you're afraid of,
and then what can we do to act anyways?
'Cause we are stronger than we ever can imagine.
I hope that helps, I love you all,
I'll see you tomorrow when I'm on Twitter,
so ask your questions using the hashtag kati FAQ, bye!