DID YOU HAVE A GOOD WEEKEND?
>> I HAD A GOOD ONE, MAN.
>> Stephen: WHAT DID YOU DO?
I WAS OVER IN CALIFORNIA, ACTUALLY.
>> Stephen: WE DO THE SHOW IN NEW YORK.
>> I TOOK A RED EYE YESTERDAY.
>> Stephen: DO YOU HAVE ENOUGH ENERGY TO DO THE SHOW?
>> YEAH, CAN'T YOU TELL?
WE'RE JAMMING!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: YOU KNOW WHAT I'M
EXCITED ABOUT, JON, IS I JUST HEARD THIS NEWS THAT -- IS THIS
TRUE?
THEY'RE GOING TO HOLD THE SUPER BOWL AGAIN THIS YEAR.
>> OH, WOW!
>> Stephen: YEAH, THEY SAY IT WENT SO WELL LAST YEAR, THEY'RE,
LIKE, LET'S HAVE THOSE GUYS COME BACK AGAIN.
LET'S HAVE ONE OF THOSE TEAMS COME BACK AGAIN THIS YEAR.
>> NOT TWO?
>> Stephen: JUST ONE IS COMING BACK BECAUSE PEOPLE CAN'T GET
ENOUGH OF TOM BRADY WINNING.
>> DO YOU THINK IT'S GOING TO HAPPEN AGAIN?
>> Stephen: I DON'T FOLLOW THE GAME.
>> YOU'RE NOT INTO IT?
>> Stephen: I PLAYED FOR ONE DAY IN HIGH SCHOOL.
>> WHAT HAPPENED WHEN YOU PLAYED?
WHAT HAPPENED?
>> Stephen: WHAT HAPPENED?
>> Jon: WHY DID YOU STOP?
>> Stephen: THERE'S A LOT OF RUNNING --
( LAUGHTER ) I FOUND OUT THERE'S A LOT OF
RUNNING IN FOOTBALL.
I SHOWED UP ONE DAY.
I WAS LATE FOR MORNING PRACTICE.
MY COACH, COACH HOLCOMBE, GOES, COLBERT, YOU AND GRANT, YOU GUYS
ARE DOING WIND SPRINTS ON EACH OTHER'S BACKS.
I DID WIND SPRINTS UNTIL I VOMITED.
>> Jon: OH, WOW.
>> Stephen: SHOWED UP FOR THE AFTERNOON PRACTICE.
ONE OF MY BEST FRIENDS WAS THE BIGGEST GUY AT SCHOOL AND HAD
THE WEIGHT LIFTING RECORD AT SCHOOL AND I WAS ACROSS FROM HIM
ON THE LINE AT THE SCRIMMAGE AND WE HAD ONE PLAY.
HE KIND OF, LIKE, PUSHED ME OUT OF THE WAY AND THE COACH COMES
OVER AND GOES, BRAHAMLET, THERE ARE NO FRIENDS ON THE FOOTBALL
FIELD.
YOU SEE THAT MAN?
I WANT YOU TO KILL HIM.
>> Jon: OH, MY GOODNESS!
I WENT OUT FOR THE TEAM BECAUSE ALL MY FRIENDS ARE ON
THE TEAM BRAHAMLET LINES UP ACROSS FROM ME ON THE LINE OF
SCRIMMAGE AND GOES, I'M SORRY -- >> Jon: OH, SNAP!
BECAUSE KEEP IN MIND.
I WAS THIS HEIGHT AND WEIGHED 135 POUNDS.
I COULD FIT INTO ONE OF MY PANT LEGS NOW.
THE NEXT DAY I COULDN'T GET OUT OF BED.
I WENT TO COACH IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY AND I SAID, I DON'T
THINK IT'S MY GAME.
>> Jon: TOM BRADY GOT IT.
>> Stephen: HE SAID, YEAH, I DON'T THINK SO EITHER.
( LAUGHTER ) THAT WAS IT.
THERE WAS ANOTHER PARTY TRUMP DIDN'T MAKE IT TO THIS WEEKEND:
THE WOMEN'S MARCH.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I AGREE.
ON SATURDAY, PEOPLE ALL ACROSS THE COUNTRY TOOK TO THE STREETS
TO RALLY FOR WOMEN'S RIGHTS AND PROTEST TRUMP'S POLICIES.
IT WAS A HUGE TURN-OUT, WITH AN ESTIMATED 600,000 PEOPLE
GATHERING IN LOS ANGELES, 300,000 IN CHICAGO, AND 200,000
HERE IN NEW YORK.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YEP.
I'M ALL IN.
IN SOME PLACES, IT WAS EVEN BIGGER THIS YEAR.
LIKE IN THE TINY TOWN OF SANDY COVE, NOVA SCOTIA WHICH "DOUBLED
THEIR NUMBERS FROM LAST YEAR, WITH A TOTAL OF 31 PEOPLE...
PLUS ONE BABY!" ( CHEERING )
A BABY.
I THINK I KNOW HOW SOMEONE KEPT WARM LAST TIME.
( LAUGHTER ) AND JUST LIKE LAST YEAR, THERE
WERE SOME FANTASTIC SIGNS.
"SUPER CALLOUS FACIST RACIST NAZI BRAGGADOCIOUS," "NORWAY,
PLEASE HELP US!," "WE SHALL OVERCOMB," "I'M ALSO 6'3" & 239
LBS," "PLEASE NOTE THE LACK OF NAZIS AT OUR MARCHES," AND "HOW
DID I SURVIVE THE PAST YEAR?
I WATCHED STEPHEN COLBERT - LATESHOW."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THANK YOU.
WE ARE HONORED.
>> Jon: YEAH!
>> Stephen: WE ARE HONORED TO HAVE HELP.
( APPLAUSE ) THAT'S HOW I GOT THROUGH THE
YEAR, TOO.
BUT TRUMP BEING TRUMP, HE HAD TO PUT A POSITIVE SPIN ON THE
PROTEST TWEETING "BEAUTIFUL WEATHER ALL OVER OUR
GREAT COUNTRY, A PERFECT DAY FOR ALL
WOMEN TO MARCH.
GET OUT THERE NOW TO CELEBRATE THE HISTORIC MILESTONES AND
UNPRECEDENTED ECONOMIC SUCCESS AND WEALTH CREATION THAT HAS
TAKEN PLACE OVER THE LAST 12 MONTHS.
LOWEST FEMALE UNEMPLOYMENT IN 18 YEARS!"
"I'VE CREATED SO MANY JOBS IN THE FIELD OF 'PAYING PORNSTARS
TO KEEP QUIET.' YOU'RE WELCOME, LADIES!"
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THIS AND -- ALLEGEDLY.
( LAUGHTER ) THIS IS, ALLEGEDLY -- I SHOULD
SAY THAT SO OFTEN IN EVERY SHOW WE DO --
THIS IS AS TRUMP AS IT GETS.
YOU CAN'T JUST TAKE A MARCH THAT'S AGAINST YOU AS A MARCH
THAT'S FOR YOU.
( LAUGHTER ) AFTER DR. KING MARCHED ON
WASHINGTON, THE K.K.K. DIDN'T THANK HIM FOR RAISING HOOD
AWARENESS.
( LAUGHTER ) WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH JAMES
CORDEN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )