Tucker: The fuck is this?
Doc: Oh! Maybe it's an abstract painting. How does it make you guys feel?
Caboose: Alone.
Sarge: Aha! I see you're all ready for the focus group screening.
Grif: Screening? What screening?
Sarge: Well, few years back, we put together a trailer for a Red vs Blue blockbuster!
Tucker: You mean the thing you butchered and turned into a movie all about yourself?
Don't tell me you actually made a stupid sequel!
Sarge: What, no! Of course not! The script is very intelligent.
Simmons: [gasps] Thank you, sir!
Sarge: After some significant rewrites.
Simmons: Aw...
Donut: Sarge, if I may?
We here at Franklin Delano Donut Productions saw a lot of promise in last year's critically acclaimed
summer blockbuster "Sarge", so we have combined efforts with Red Base Entertainment Productions Limited
to produce a sequel that we feel will reach a MUCH broader audience.
Grif: Alright, this sounds dumb, I am outta here.
Sarge: Too late, hit the lights.
[Beeeeep]
Sarge: You know, they say war doesn't determine who is right. Only who is left.
Grif: Sarge, you're gonna wanna come with us.
Sarge: I say, war doesn't determine who is Blue... only who is Red.
Donut: [dramatically] From the studios that brought you "Sarge" and "How we were Sent Forward in Time by an Explosion..."
Simmons: I'm sorry, sir. We had to bring you here. He's... he's... [sniffles]
Grif: He's got Lopez.
Donut: [dramatically] Comes a story of betrayal...
Wash: Why, hello, Sergeant. It's good to see you again.
Sarge: It's Colonel now. What do you want, Blue?
Wash: I've had something of mine stolen from me, and I want you to retrieve it.
In return, I'll return what I have stolen from you, allowing you to retrieve it.
Sarge: So, if I return from this retrieval to return what's been stolen from you, you promise to return what you've stolen? Never to return and steal again?
Wash: Precisely.
Sarge: Alright, then.
Donut: [dramatically] And a story...
Wash: Not so fast. You'll be taking one of my men with you.
Sarge: Who?
[Record scratch] Donut: [cheerfully] Of unlikely friendship!
Tucker: 'Sup? Partner.
[Jazzy music]
Sarge: You know what, Blue? I'm starting to think this might just work!
Tucker: I'm thinking this would work a lot better if we could get a bigger ride. You know, more chicks!
Sarge: Son, what are you gonna do with more than one woman?
Tucker: Hey, you know what they say. Women are like Voltron. The more you hook up, the better it gets.
[Both laughing]
Sarge: Ah, you kids and your diseases! Heh heh heh!
Donut: This summer, watch as two heroes fight for their lives!
Tucker: So, you got a girl?
Sarge: You could, uh... you could say that.
Donut: And fight...
...for love.
Sarge: You know, I always thought fondly of you, Lopez.
Just never knew how to say it.
Because I don't speak Spanish.
Donut: But love will have to wait...
because first... they'll have to save Christmas!
[Christmasy music]
Sarge & Tucker: Whoaaa!
Tucker: The Warthog! It's flying!
Sarge: Of course it is, son! All we had to do was believe!
Donut: Save Christmas from what, you may ask?
Life-threatening disease.
Tucker: [Coughing] I'm sick, Sarge. They say I only have six months to live.
Sarge: Dammit, partner, what is it? Cancer? AIDS? Whatever it is, we can beat it. Together.
Tucker: No... it's...
bein' a zombieee!
Sarge: Tucker, nooo!
Donut: It's the violent, blood-curdling horror that will sweep the nation, filled with monsters.
Coming of age tale!
Doc: I'm doing it! I'm doing it!
Donut: Giant, fighting robots!
Simmons: Put the cube inside of Freckles!
Donut: And musical numbers for the whole family!
[Singing] So let me blooow you (blow you)
blow you all!
[Spoken] So no matter what you do this summer, be sure not to miss
"Sarge 2: Sarge Harder."
Sarge: You know... I'm gettin' too old for this shit.
Tucker: How old are you?
Sarge: 29.
Tucker: Wait, wha--
[Beeeeep]
Sarge: So... what'd y'all think?
Donut: Well, I thought it was great!