How can I adjust to expectations to actually avoid disappointment and hurt?
Okay. First of all, you're not wrong for having these feelings. I'm Dr. Paul
Jenkins. I'm a professional psychologist, and you're always right about how you feel,
but some of these feelings might be a little harmful to your mental health. So here are six
tips for you to make the adjustments. Tip number one, notice that you have
expectations. A lot of us just go through life feeling the feels without actually
knowing where the feels came from. Our feelings are driven by our thoughts.
Some of those thoughts are laden with expectation and we don't even see it.
One of the hardest place to see our own thoughts is from inside of our own head.
So it takes a skill that I call metacognition. Thinking about your own thinking to start to
tune into those expectations, and a lot of times we start with the feeling. So if you're feeling
disappointment or hurt, it's probably because of an expectation that was unmet or that was
violated. Pause to ask yourself that question, where's this coming from?
And then be curious about those expectations. You don't even have to change 'em. Let's not
put that kind of pressure on ourselves, but notice that they're there. Oh,
I'm feeling hurt because I expected my wife to do this and she did that instead. Or, oh, I'm
feeling frustrated and upset because I expected my kids to do this, and they did that instead.
All we're doing is identifying it. If you get good at identifying that,
you actually have expectations and identifying what those expectations
are then you can just be curious about it and don't even try to change it. Okay.
Just be curious. Hmm. That's interesting. Hmm. I noticed that I have expectations.
Okay. Tip number two, once you notice that you're having these expectations,
ask yourself, where would I be without that expectation? Then focus on what would actually
be different for you if you didn't carry that expectation. This requires a level of
psychological savvy that a lot of people don't have. You do because you're watching this video.
Tune into what your brain is doing with that, and just invite yourself to explore
what would be different for you in your life if you didn't have that expectation if you
were able to just delete it. And I'm not saying that you have to delete it,
but just imagine where you would be if you didn't have it.
And this is one of the tricks because our brain will try to convince us, well, that's the way it's
supposed to be. Okay? I know that that's the way it's supposed to be, but if it were different,
what would it look like? Push through the preconceived biases and notions that you
already have. Look, your brain has two main jobs to keep you safe and to prove you right
and both of those get in our way all the time. Because our brain's trying to prove us
right it thinks already that our expectations represent how it should be. We're calling that
into question. So ask yourself, I know that's the way it should be,
but if it were different, what would it look like? That's kind of similar to tip number three.
I'm going to give you a tool that has worked so well for me personally and clinically,
and it's the phrase or not. Now, when do you use this? As you become
aware of your expectations and you see them creeping into your mind.
Oh, I expect my kids to behave in this way or not. Just simply add that phrase to the end
as you articulate what the expectation is. It puts you in a completely different
position psychologically and creates brand new possibilities. Use this for the expectations for
yourself too. Ah, I just really need to clean up my thinking or not I really need to start
exercising more or not. This is likely to create a little bit of resistance in your own mind.
Just notice that. Okay. But what I love about this tool is that it puts you
back into a state of metacognition, and metacognition creates a space.
In that space is where choice exists. Until we see it as a choice, it's not,
and we'll go along with whatever our brain is already programmed to do. So give that tool a try.
Wait, are you still watching? Of course you are, and thank you for that. Look,
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I got three more tips for you. Number four is a life raft. I'm going to use
this as an acronym. So the first part of the word RAF stands for those feelings,
resentment, anger, and frustration. These are indicator feelings. What I mean by that is
that they indicate what's coming next, the T, and I'll get to that in just a minute.
That will form our complete life raft. We often misinterpret resentment, anger,
and frustration to mean that somebody else needs to change something and you know who it is too,
don't you? They indicate actually that it's time for me to change, that's the T. So the
life raft that I'm giving you, when you feel resentment, anger, frustration, it's time for me
to change something. To change what? Maybe my expectatio. Remember we're becoming aware
of when we have them. Those feelings will tell you that it's time to change that personally. Tip
number five refers back to something that I've already mentioned several times on this video.
Metacognition. Get good at metacognition. Meaning, think about your own thinking.
Become an observer of your own mental processes. There's a lot of ways to do
this and some of the more popular ways are mindfulness practices or meditation or yoga,
or simply practicing awareness on a consistent basis. Get really good at watching your own
thinking, because then you can apply that to all of the other tips that I've already given.
Tip number six is actually a game. You can play this game on your own. You can enroll other family
members or colleagues if you want to. It's up to you. Here's the game, that would be good
because. Now, when do we play this game? When we identify an expectation that's causing us to feel
disappointment or hurt, or frustration or anger. When our brain goes to, oh, no, this is not good.
It means that our expectation has been violated and then you play the game and
that would be good because whatever. Okay, well, but what if my kids act up and cause a
scene when we're out to eat? Well, that would be good because, and then ask your brain to
find some answers to that. That's the game. That would be good because I would get to practice
staying calm. All right. Is that a good thing? Well, yeah. If you get the chance to practice
your positive parenting skills, that would be awesome. Right? Let's try another one. Somebody
owes me money and it looks like they're not going to be paying, at least not on time. And
that would be good because I would get to figure out how to do without that payment
and then when it comes in, it's just a bonus. Now I'm just making this up
on the fly. But you can see how the game invites your brain to handle it differently.
Whatever the expectation is when you start to feel the disappointment, the fear,
the hurt that comes, play the game, at least inside your own mind, that would be good because.
Did you get a few ideas from that? Hopefully, that will help you to stay
in control of your own thinking. Hey, I've got a gift for you as well. Would you like
a copy of my book? I would love to put this book Pathological Positivity into
your hands and I'll pay for it. This is free. All you have to do is pay for the shipping.
Go to dr.pauljenkins.com/freebook and I will send this your way.