MY NEXT GUEST IS A STAND-UP COMEDIAN AND FORMER "DAILY SHOW"
CORRESPONDENT ABOUT TO EMBARK ON HIS OWN NATIONWIDE TOUR.
PLEASE WELCOME DEMETRI MARTIN.
( APPLAUSE )
THANKS, EVERYBODY.
THANK YOU.
THANKS FOR CLAPPING.
I APPRECIATE THAT.
THAT'S GOOD.
I GOT MY GUITAR HERE.
I'M-- I'M JUST GOING TO DO JOKES.
I'M NOT GOING TO PLAY A SONG.
I'VE TRIED TO WRITE SONGS, BUT SO FAR, I HAVEN'T COME UP WITH
ANYTHING GOOD.
I RECENTLY WROTE A PROTEST SONG, BUT IT WAS AN INSTRUMENTAL, SO
IT WAS KIND OF INEFFECTIVE.
THAT'S OKAY.
SO HERE WE GO, JOKES.
♪ ♪ ♪ ALL RIGHT.
I HAD A GREAT HALLOWEEN.
I LOVE HALLOWEEN.
I THINK IT'S A GREAT HOLIDAY.
IT'S MY FAVORITE HOLIDAY, BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE TO
CELEBRATE THAT ONE WITH YOUR FAMILY.
YOU NEVER HEAR, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING FOR HALLOWEEN?"
"I HAVE TO FLY BACK EAST AND GO TRICK OR TREATING WITH MY
PARENTS."
"THAT STUKS."
"YEAH, THEY GOT A DIVORCE SO I HAVE TO BRING TWO DIFFERENT
COSTUMES THIS YEAR."
WHY DOEE WE HAVE HALF SIZES FOR SHOES?
THAT'S KIND OF WEIRD.
WE COULD HAVE PICKED TWICE AS MANY NUMBERS, THEN WE WOULDN'T
HAVE HAD TO HAVE FRACTIONS.
THAT WAS FOR PEOPLE AT HOME.
THEY PROBABLY PICK THE SHOE SIZES AND THEN PEOPLE'S FEET GOT
MORE SPECIFIC OR SOMETHING.
"OKAY, WE'RE ALL DONE WITH THE SHOE SIZES."
"EXCUSE ME, I DON'T FIT IN THE 8 OR THE 9."
"YOU'VE GOT TO BE FREAKING KIDDING ME."
FRACTIONS.
I SHOULD HAVE GIVEN UP ON THE JOKE, BUT I DIDN'T.
( LAUGHTER )
THE CLOSEST I DID WAS I WAS BORN.
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
I WANT TO WRITE A BOOK.
I HAVE AN IDEA FOR A BOOK.
IT'S AN AUTOBIOGRAPHY THAT TURNS INTO A BIOGRAPHY, LIKE, HALFWAY
THROUGH.
I'VE NEVER SEEN A BOOK LIKE THAT.
I THINK IT WOULD BE REAL INTERESTING.
THE FIRST THREE OR FOUR CHAPTERS WOULD BE ABOUT MY CHILDHOOD OR,
SOMEUN WHAT I MEAN?
AND THEN CHAPTER 4, I CASUALLY MENTION BENJAMIN FRANKLIN.
( LAUGHTER )
"SPEAKING OF FRANKLIN," AND THE REST OF BOOK IS ALL ABOUT
BENJAMIN FRANKLIN'S LIFE.
I TELL YOU EVERYTHING I KNOW ABOUT HIM.
AND AT THE END YOU'RE LIKE, "THAT NERD TRICKED ME INTO
LEARNING ABOUT BENJAMIN FRANKLIN."
I FIND MY HOROSCOPE IS MORE ACCURATE IF I JUST LIVE LESS
SPECIFICALLY.
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING TOMORROW, MAN?"
"MAKING SOME CHOICES."
I LOVE SPORTS BARS BECAUSE THEY COLLECT ALL THE PEOPLE I DON'T
WANT TO HANG OUT WITH, AND THEY PUT NEM ONE ROOM.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
YEAH.
THIS IS MY CROWD!
ALL RIGHT!
A TREE HOUSE IS VERY INSENSITIVE.
THAT'S LIKE KILLING SOMETHING, AND MAKING ONE OF ITS FRIENDS
HOLD IT.
( APPLAUSE )
IF I USE MY HANDS.
( LAUGHTER )
THAT'S WEIRD.
HOW DO YOU MARKET A CREWS TO PEOPLE?
THAT SEEMS KIND OF HARD.
IT'S LIKE, "HEY, DO YOU LIKE HOTELS?
"YEAH."
"HOW ABOUT ONE THAT COULD SINK?"
WO-HO!
I COULD DROWN IN MY BEDROOM?
YEAH, THAT'S A VACATION.
I LIEB THAT.
I GO TO THE GYM RELIGIOUSLY.
ABOUT TWICE A YEAR, AROUND THE HOLIDAYS.
( LAUGHTER )
BRING FAJITAS OUT FROM THE KITCHEN A LITTLE BIT LATER.
IT'S A LOT OF SMOKE.
I THINK WE'RE SHOWBOATING A LITTLE BIT, FAJITAS.
I HAVE AN L-SHAPED SOFA AT HOME, LOWER CASE.
ABOUT 75% OF GERMAN SHEPPARDS ARE DOGS.
( LAUGHTER )
THE REST ARE GERMAN SHEPPARDS.
IF YOU'RE SITTING IN A DRUM CIRCLE, I WONDER IF THERE'S A
MOMENT WHERE YOU'RE LIKE, "I'M NEVER GOING TO BE RICH."
YEAH!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THANKS.
>> Stephen: YOU CAN BUY TICKETS FOR DEMETRI'S "WANDERING
MIND" TOUR AT HIS WEBSITE.
DEMETRI MARTIN, EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.