>> Stephen: WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) LISTEN, FOLKS -- JUST A QUICK
PROGRAMMING NOTE: A REMINDER, SUNDAY IS MOTHER'S DAY.
OR AS MIKE PENCE CALLED IT, "KAREN'S DAY."
WE'RE ALSO LESS THAN SIX MONTHS AWAY FROM THE 2018 MIDTERM
ELECTIONS, WHEN DEMOCRATS ARE HOPING TO TAKE BACK THE
HOUSE AND POSSIBLY EVEN THE SENATE--
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BUT-- BUT-- BUT-- AND IT'S A BIG
BUT-- BUT REPUBLICANS ARE DEPLOYING THEIR SECRET WEAPON:
TRUMP SON AND REASON TO LEAVE THE BAR, DONALD TRUMP JR.
D.J.T. JR. IS PLANNING TO HELP REPUBLICAN CANDIDATES THIS
SUMMER BY TAKING ON A BIG ROLE IN THE MIDTERMS, WHICH MEANS
HE'S GOING TO HAVE TO TAKE SOME SERIOUS TIME OFF FROM...
( LAUGHTER ) WHAT DOES HE DO?
WHAT DOES HE DO?
HE A SUIT FILLER?
HAIR-GEL STORAGE LOCKER?
I'M NOT SURE WHAT HE DOES.
BUT DON JR. HAS ALREADY STARTED HELPING, BECAUSE A COUPLE WEEKS
AGO, HE HOSTED A "SECRET FUNDRAISER FOR VICE PRESIDENT
MIKE PENCE'S OLDER BROTHER, GREG PENCE, WHO IS
RUNNING FOR CONGRESS IN INDIANA."
THAT'S AN EXCITING DOUBLE BILL IF
IF YOU LOVE TRUMP/PENCE AND DON'T CARE WHICH ONES.
I CAN'T WAIT TO FIND OUT HOW HIS BROTHER ERIC HELPS WITH THE
MID-TERMS.
"THEY GAVE ME A VERY IMPORTANT ROLE--
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ).
( CHEERS ) I--
( LAUGHTER ) "THEY GAVE ME A VERY IMPORTANT
ROLE HANDING OUT BUMPER STICKERS IN FRONT OF THE GROCERY STORE.
( LAUGHTER ) I HAVE LOST THE BUMPER STICKERS.
THERE WAS A BREEZE."
( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE--
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I NEED LIP LUBRICANT.
WHAT ARE YOU LAUGHING AT, HIM OVER THERE?
MEANWHILE, ONE G.O.P.
REPRESENTATIVE IS INTRODUCING A BILL THAT WOULD FORCE POST
OFFICES TO DISPLAY PICTURES OF TRUMP AND PENCE.
AND NOT THE PICTURES THAT YOU'RE HOPING FOR.
THE BILL IS THE BRAINCHILD OF NEW YORK REPRESENTATIVE AND MAN
WHOSE FETISH IS DOING IT IN THE BED, DAN DONOVAN.
IT ALL STARTED WHEN DONOVAN RECEIVED A COMPLAINT FROM A
CONSTITUENT THAT PICTURES OF FORMER PRESIDENT OBAMA AND VICE
PRESIDENT BIDEN WERE ON DISPLAY DURING THEIR ADMINISTRATION AT
HER LOCAL POST OFFICE, BUT PICTURES OF PRESIDENT TRUMP AND
VICE PRESIDENT PENCE WERE NEVER PUT UP.
OKAY, I MEAN, I GET IT.
BUT THINK OF THE POSTAL WORKERS.
NOBODY WANTS TO LOOK AT TRUMP ALL DAY.
FOR PETE'S SAKE, THE HEAD OF MY RESEARCH DEPARTMENT HAS TO DO
THAT ALL DAY, AND IT'S REALLY TAKEN ITS TOLL.
♪ ♪ ♪ >> STOP IT!
STOP IT!
PLEASE!
I BEG YOU!
>> Stephen: HE'S GOING TO BE FINE, BUT-- HE'S FINE.
BUT IT TURNS OUT A U.S. POSTAL SERVICE REGULATION PREVENTS THE
DISPLAY OF THE PRESIDENT AND THE VICE PRESIDENT, BUT THE RULE
WAS NEVER ENFORCED.
BUT DONOVAN IS ON TOP OF FIXING THIS NOT-PROBLEM, AND HIS NEW
BILL REQUIRES "THE OFFICIAL PORTRAITS OF THE PRESIDENT AND
VICE PRESIDENT SHALL BE DISPLAYED SIDE BY SIDE, BE EQUAL
IN SIZE, AND DISPLAYED AT THE SAME HEIGHT."
WELL, THE LAY'S THE LAW, FOLKS.
SO, AS A CONCERNED CITIZEN, I'D LIKE TO MAKE A DONATION TO MY
LOCAL POST OFFICE.
THEY'RE OFFICIAL PORTRAITS OF PRESIDENT TRUMP AND VICE
PRESIDENT PENCE.
AND BECAUSE IT'S THE POST OFFICE, THEY'RE EACH THE SIZE OF
A POSTAGE STAMP.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BONUS: IF YOU LICK THE BACK OF
THE TRUMP STAMP, HE'LL PAY YOU $130,000 TO SAY YOU DIDN'T.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: WOOOO!