Oprah Winfrey has a superpower for over
30 years people who speak to her have
not been able to help but to open up
sometimes crying expressing joy are just
showing the most vulnerable parts of
themselves and it leaves Oprah making an
impression that you know sticks with
these people for a long time that
ability propelled Oprah to a net worth
of four billion dollars not to mention
launching books to the top of the
bestsellers list and dr. Phil's
television career so in this video we
are going to explore how and why Oprah
is the best connector that I have ever
covered on this channel and you're gonna
learn how to live so that people will
naturally find themselves opening up and
connecting with you that's going to make
it so that they might meet you just for
a short time but could remember you for
the rest of their life so first off
Oprah sets the stage to connect
literally unlike many other TV show
hosts she is famous for walking the
aisles of her studio audience and for
sitting on the same couch as her guests
later on she would actually go into
their homes for intimate interviews now
the lack of physical barriers such as a
desk
tends to make two people feel more
connected and that's why you are more
likely to find a spark on a first date
if you sit adjacent to your date rather
than being separated by a table and it's
also why people who don't feel
comfortable will subconsciously block
the other person by crossing their legs
or by placing an object in between them
in Oprah's case the lack of barriers
enables both a sense of being
emotionally connected as well as an
opportunity to connect physically via
touch
[Applause]
you are so so so good with Oprah you're
gonna see high-fives hand squeezes
walking arm-in-arm hugs but to really
grasp how important touch is to her
style of communication you have to see
it in context now I can't show all of
this next clip because it's three
minutes long but take a look quickly at
how many points of contact she has with
the member from her audience now we're
all celebrating our 40th your ninth baby
come here really you did you always want
a big family that's it
that's Katherine's is going to have a
baby in three months unbelievable it's
doubly unfortunate that there are so
many cases of unwanted sexual touching
coming up in the news and in our culture
nowadays obviously fantastic because
we're eliminating that but an
unfortunate side effect is that these
platonic touches are getting lost and
these are things that truly help to
connect to people it's part of why
people can open up so quickly and so
comfortably with Oprah now for a more
nuanced breakdown of touching you can
check out our video on Chris Hemsworth
but for now just note that this
immediately lowers the sense of
separation between Oprah and the person
she's speaking to you may have also
noticed something else that does that
which is how strong Oprah's eye contact
is she is completely comfortable with
intimacy and prolonged eye contact just
look how present she is when listening
with Steven Spielberg showing him how he
is truly has her full attention number
times any particular scene I think the
first time was when he gave his very
very long and important explanation of
why he needed to get the 13th amendment
to abolish slavery he could see Oprah
squinting and furrowing her brow which
shows the other person that she is
actively listening to what they are
saying but these aren't necessarily
charisma tactics to just be used this is
the result of what happens when you are
truly present in trying to understand
someone and when you're on the flipside
receiving someone's full attention it
feels absolutely incredible now to drive
this point home and make the other
person feel even better Oprah will often
listen and then summarize what the other
person has just said take this clip for
instance where Rihanna has been talking
about her relationship with her father
and Chris Brown and notice how she
responds to Oprah's recap of what she
just said had to free forgive me because
I cared about him still and many I let
go of that like I started living again
you made peace with your father and then
you were able to make peace with Chris
yes yes because you realize the
connection between what your father had
done and what Chris is because of the
intensity of Oprah's full focus her
guests often feel that she gets them at
a deep level they feel connected to her
in some way like they share a common
life understanding now Oprah doesn't
just imply these connections and
commonalities with her body language
she straight-up calls them out with her
guests as she sees them I was so
thrilled to realize you know Howie you
and I are most alike let me guess
you're an introvert I knew it you knew
it this small thing is much more
significant than it may sound in his
book influence Robert Chiellini
discusses how feeling similar to someone
is one of these six most powerful
factors in persuasion it puts two people
in sync allowing for pacing and leading
which we've discussed in other videos
that I'm going to link to in the
description below now two people who
were in sync may breathe at the same
pace they might move in the same way but
the easiest way to spot it is if they
can finish each other's sentences now
Oprah hits this phase blindingly fast
with many of her guests just watch the
continuation of that clip with Amy
Schumer yeah I've been at parties where
I have to get up and leave recharge
recharge I love the bathroom loves to
hide in the bathroom to hide in the
bathroom she gets energy from people
she's right these often she feeds and we
get sucked dragged and I get yeah you
need to be taken out of a party in the
stretcher yes all of what we've
discussed up until now is very useful
but what makes Oprah truly exceptional
at connecting
is her philosophy that the most
important thing to uncover in an
interaction is what moves people
emotionally she didn't get famous
discussing politics or by doing goofy
skits she got famous by exploring what
made her guests feel feelings and that's
why you often hear or ask questions like
these what's the most difficult decision
you've had to make to fulfill your
destiny how would you describe your
childhood how did you manage to pull the
pieces of yourself together you'll
notice that these questions aren't small
talk or banter they have to do with
hardship with family with the things
that we don't want to tell people about
ourselves because we're afraid of how
vulnerable raw and emotional they make
us but family hardship our dreams the
things that we're ashamed of these are
the things that often define who we are
at our core and to illustrate how
powerful these ideas of dreams and
family can be to people watch this clip
of Oprah with James Corden this was
actually the video that put her on my
radar as someone that had a true gift
with charisma now I recommend watching
the whole thing separately because it's
really remarkable and I'm gonna diminish
the effect by editing it here but this
is a brief overview of an interaction
that lasts just two and a half minutes
when did you first realize you have this
power just to make people cry go on give
me your best okay unleash the power
every father has a dream for his
children shot up what is the dream that
you
in your heart for Charlotte the dream
you hold this scenario isn't unique to
Oprah she's been bringing people to
tears her whole career and it's this
ability to get to someone's emotional
core that really did make her famous and
if you apply what you've learned so far
you're gonna be able to get people to
open up to a deep connection that will
bond you to for a long time
but there is one final and very critical
point when people do get emotionally
real when they cry they get excited
whatever it is Oprah doesn't try to
defuse that tension she leans into it
she allows her guests to express
themselves fully and so many of us
unfortunately do the opposite someone
cries and we Pat them uncomfortably
saying they're there hoping that they
will stop or they get excited and we
redirect the conversation because their
enthusiasm doesn't fit our current mood
Oprah can connect with people so
brilliantly because she not only
encourages them to open up
she also validates them when they do
she's empathetic enough to go there
emotionally with them she shares in
their joy or their pain and that's what
have you been sober so yeah hello let's
celebrate that that's where you are
right now look at how great that is
Wow
makes me cry too I know I know
I know it's beautiful
in short people feel comfortable enough
to be vulnerable and open up to Oprah
because she will go there too in fact
she went there first early in her
talk-show career she revealed the sexual
abuse that she suffered as a
nine-year-old not to mention a whole
slew of other personal struggles that I
wasn't even aware of as someone who
didn't watch her talk show as a kid and
it was her openness that paved the way
for others to do the same when they came
on her show so if you want to connect
with someone deeply to get them to open
up past the surface level small talk and
get them to really remember you you have
to be fascinated by what moves them
emotionally you have to focus primarily
on what you share rather than on how you
differ and you have to be willing to
open yourself up so that others feel
safe doing the same with
you that's what made Oprah the biggest
talk show star ever it's what endeared
her to millions of viewers and earned
her billions of dollars and if you
followed the advice in this video it can
be your superpower too now one of the
themes of this video is the value of
being heard it honestly can't be
overstated you see how deeply impacted
Oprah's guests are by her attention
what's unfortunate is that so few of us
have the opportunity to feel heard in
our lives and sometimes it's hard to
share what's going on in your life even
with close friends and sometimes those
friends and family don't know how to
advise us or they give bad advice
because they're so close to us and
that's why I have asked better help to
sponsor this video and I'm very excited
about it because better help provides
affordable counseling from licensed
therapists all from your home I've
actually used this service myself and
I'm going to continue to because talking
to someone once a week has had a
positive impact on my life plus it
doesn't have this hassle of having to
leave the house you can just chat from
your couch using your phone or your
computer Ben also signed up and got a
ton from it he was actually pretty
excited because he identified this sense
of anxiety masquerading as perfectionism
and since then he's been able to take
steps not to worry as much about past
mistakes or trying to be so perfect all
the time
better help can help you also find your
blind spots so if you think that you
might benefit from talking to someone on
a regular basis consider checking out
better help calm slash charisma or click
the link in the description to get
started you're just gonna answer a few
questions so that they can connect you
with the right therapist for your
situation and then you'll be matched
within 24 hours and you can cancel
anytime you want it's completely
confidential you don't have to leave
your house and it's a small fraction of
the cost of most other therapy options
now because both Ben and I got a lot of
value from it I think there's a good
chance that you will too and it's
absolutely the case that speaking with a
licensed therapist can have a big impact
if you are facing challenges in your
life so if better help sounds right for
you go ahead check it out either way I
hope that you are happy much love for me
and I look forward to seeing you in the
next video
you