Warning: The entire city of Tokyo is currently under monster attack #973.
If you're still stupid enough to be standing in the streets...
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING??
Run! Run for your life!
Hi, father.
Who is this!?
It's your son.
Oh, that's right; I have a son. How's your mother doing?
She's dead.
Ahahaha!!
Oh that's hilarious! Ahahaha!
She was your wife, too, father.
Don't be a dick, Shinji.
I thought you needed me for something.
Ah, yes... What did I need you for?
Something about an attack...
It's... probably nothing.
Get your act together, Shinji.
The Angels are attacking, humanity is in danger, your dad's waiting for your,
and we're getting the hell out of here!
Wha-?
Are you "what"ing already??
But I haven't even said anything.
Shut up, Shinji, and get in the goddamn car!
You sure you can get away from all this action?
Don't you worry. I may not look it, but I'm an excellent driver!
Fuck!
AT Field detected and analysis pattern confirmed blue. It's an Angel!
Well no shit, Sherlock.
So, after 15 years, the Angels have finally returned.
Angels? You mean it's not Godzilla attacking us again?
Sir, Godzilla's a fictional monster.
Liar! What other possible monster could be attacking Tokyo right now?
...no, sir. You see, 15 years ago, during the Second Impact is when-
Oh my god it's Godzilla!!
Command, the monster is giving us hell. Please advise us on how to act.
Okay, got this.
Copper Unit, circle around the monster making yourselves look as dangerous as a group of threatening butterflies.
Tank battalion, resume bombardment from a far distance like the pussies you are.
Air support, continue causing as much collateral damage to the city as possible
without actually hitting the target.
Delta team, take your pants off and start prancing around like ballerinas.
Do you know what you've just done?
Not a clue.
Command, this is delta team. Ballerina dance is ineffective.
Well, I'm stumped.
Oy, you two, you got any ideas?
Perhaps it would be going better if that guy got off the phone.
No, I said a large pepperoni with extra cheese!
What do you mean you don't deliver here?
Anything else?
I suggest we fall back for now and come up with a strategy before we do anything stupi-
NUKE THE FUCKER!
What the fuck?!
Sir, you do know the thing has an AT Field?
Godzilla never had an AT Field!
You do know what an AT Field is, right, sir?
You're not even listening to me, are you?
Say what now?
We have a visual of the target... patching it through now.
Well fuck a duck!
Are you even authorized to be here?
It looks like you were right about that AD Field.
AT Field...
Thankfully, no one important got caught in that blast.
What's going on?
Don't worry; it's just a little nuclear explosion.
A what??
No one at all.
How the hell did we survive that?
Oh, I'm sure people live through massive doses of gamma radiation all the time!
But how did we survive a nuclear explosion by hiding in a car? It doesn't even make any sense!
We survived because SHUT UP, SHINJI!
Gentlemen, we have exhausted all resources and are out of ideas,
so by proper military protocol, all power now is transferred to the next biggest douchebag.
Bitchin'.
Wait a minute, who are you calling a douchebag?
You.
I dare you to say that again.
You're a douchebag!
That's what she said.
Who said what?
Your mom.
Your mom who?
Your mom who was with me last night.
You mean YOUR mom who was with me last night!
No, I mean your grandma who was with ME last night.
I'm surrounded by idiots.
Yeah, well, your momma's so fat, when she fell in love, she broke it!
I don't even know how the human race has survived for this long.
Now all that's left is to get that son of mine.
He should be here soon, sir. We've sent our best driver to pick him up.
CAN YOU NOT DRIVE IN A STRAIGHT LINE, WOMAN?!
Sorry about that. The name's Misato and I'm here to welcome you to NERV.
What's a NERV?
Here, read this top-secret information pack.
Uhh... Are you sure I can read this?
Did you get the key card your dad sent you?
Yeah, I did. I messed it up a bit, though, so I hope it doesn't matter.
Oh, I'm sure everything will be fine.
What the hell did you do to this thing?!
By the way, can I have my picture back now?
What picture?
You know, that picture I sent to you for a reference?
Uhhh..........
Misato, huh? I wonder what I'm supposed to do with this picture...
Where'd all this yogurt come from?
And why does it smell weird?
And that's how I lost my virginity!
Shinji, I'm pretty sure you're still a virgin.
What do you mean?
Well, you kind of need another woman to lose your virginity.
But father told me that's how it happens.
How what happens?
When a boy and his right hand love each other very, very much...
Okay, that's fine; I think I've heard enough.
So...my father works here, does he?
Oh, so you know what your dad does?
Not really.
Neither does anyone else around here.
Someone get me a sandwich!
Uh, sir, lunchtime's in 2 hours.
Dammit!
Shouldn't we be more concerned about the Angels right now?
Fear not! Things may look dire, but I have a master plan that cannot possibly fail.
You mean you're going to use your whiny, bitchy-ass son who's never had a backbone his entire life
to pilot a giant robot he's never seen or heard of before, having no prior combat experience,
to fight one of the greatest threats mankind has ever faced?
...Well if you put it like that, anything will sound stupid.
[gasp] Ritsuko, what are you doing here??
You're late.
I thought you were meant to be in the control room...?
Well as head scientist at NERV, it's my job to randomly stand around stripping in front of the Eva.
My new giant robots make me so hot!
Is that really what you do?
Well is it still your job to randomly seduce young boys?
...No!
So, this is the third child? Looks like a little bitch to me.
He is a bitch sometimes.
Definitely a bitch.
I mean, this one time while I was driving away from an Angel, he was screaming so loud like a little bitch.
Uh, guys, I'm standing right here, you know.
Don't be a dick, Shinji.
Are you sure this plan with your son will work?
Of course I am!
What could possibly go wrong?
Shinji!
Dad?
Pilot this robot!
No!
Fuck!
Well there goes that plan.
Wait a minute... I have the perfect idea.
Get in the damn robot, Shinji!!
Genius.
Why are you always shouting at me?!
Why? WHY?!
My wife is dead, the world is coming to an end, and, to top it off,
I have a spineless, pussy son with a bigger vagina than Justin Bieber who is so useless
he's incapable of even thinking for himself!
Was that an insult?
No, it was a compliment!
...thank you.
What?
Shinji, you have to do it. The whole world depends on you!
But why me?
Because only children can pilot the giant robot.
Why is that?
Why?
Yeah, why?
It's a fucking anime; that's why!
The pilots are always whiny little shit children!
[sobbing]
This is getting us nowhere. Fuyutsuki!
Yes, sir?
Commence operation "Get Shinji To Pilot The Eva By Using An Injured Rei To Make Him Feel Guilty"!
You mean Operation Guilt Trip, sir?
Dammit, no one can remember that name!
Yes, sir.
Rei!
Yes, commander Ikari?
You still crippled and shit?
Son of a bitch...
Wait, is it just me or does that girl kind of look like mother?
Nah, probably just my imagination...
Are you okay?
Shinji, don't you get it?
If you don't get in that robot now, she'll have to take your place!
Musn't run away.
I musn't run away.
I musn't run away!
I musn't run away!!
[train announcer] Thank you for using the Runaway Train. We hope you have a pleasant journey.
[Song: "Crawling" by Linkin Park]
Shinji, if you're listening to my tape,
STOP RUNNING AWAY AND GET IN THIS GODDAMN ROBOT!
[sigh]
Now I'm only going to say this once, so listen carefully, Shinji.
Right joystick for directions, left stick controls evasive maneuvers, right trigger to shoot,
left trigger for your secondary weapon, walk by leaning forward, decelerate by leaning back,
use your foot pedals to run, the top control panel is used to do a barrel roll,
and in case you get stuck, the ejection password is 5-5-G-I-Y-R-7-L-P. Did you get all that?
Wait, wha-?
Launch the Eva!
AAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!
Okay, Shinji, don't worry about that Angel staring right at you.
Take it slowly and start by trying to walk. Just remember: Whatever you do, be sure not to fa-
AAH!
Well, we're boned.
Boned.
I have a boner.
Where's my damn sandwich? I thought it was lunchtime already!
Sir, I think we have more pressing matters at hand.
What could be more important than my sandwich?
What about Shinji, sir?
Shinji what now?
AAAHHHH!!!!
Your son, sir.
Oh, I'm sure he's doing fine.
AAAHHHH!!!!
Someone get me my sandwich!
Emergency! The Evangelion is in critical condition; the skull has been pierced!
What's the status of the pilot?
He's currently passed out in the Eva. Also, it seems like some of the LCL inside has been replaced with urine.
Figures.
The Evangelion isn't responding to the microwave frequency controls.
Check the synchronization rate!
The A10 synapse sychronization rate is inverting. The pulse is reversing.
You what now?
Have you tried breaking the circuit?
Negative, the circuit breakers aren't working; the signal's being rejected by the neural network.
What the hell are you guys talking about?
Hold on... The harmonic signals I'm receiving have reached resonance.
Harmonic wha-?
Gamma analysis has just come in. It's code red.
But resonance in the third order harmonics can only mean one thing!
The Evangelion has gone berserk.
Am I the only one who has no idea what the fuck you're saying?!
What do you mean it's going berserk?!
Unit-01 has activated its own AT Field; it's neutralizing the base phase.
Will you start making sense, woman?!
That was a damn good sandwich.
Sir, the Angel has just been destroyed.
What just happened?
It looks like the Angel has just suicided into a giant cross.
Why the hell would it do that?
Maybe it has something to do with the Angel's genetic makeup that gives its death its particular shape.
Or maybe the Angels are actually messages from God.
Or...maybe this is all a part of a bigger message that symbolizes something deeper,
metaphorical meaning about all the Angels, religion, and perhaps life as we know it.
[all laughing]