-Welcome back, everybody.
You know, here at "Late Night," every night,
I deliver a monologue made up of jokes
written by a diverse team of writers.
As a result, a lot of jokes come across my desk
that, due to my being a straight white male,
would be difficult for me to deliver.
We don't think that should stop you from enjoying them,
so we'd like to share them with you now
in a segment called "Jokes Seth Can't Tell."
♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
Hey, everybody! These are two of our writers.
That's Amber. That's Jenny.
-I'm Black. -And I'm gay.
-And we're both women. -Okay.
So I'm neither of those things, so here's how it works.
I'll read the setups to these jokes,
and Amber and Jenny will read the punch lines.
Here we go.
The Pixar movie, "Lightyear," was recently banned
in the United Arab Emirates
because it contains a lesbian kiss.
-Also containing a lesbian kiss, most bachelorette parties.
-Oh. [ Laughter ]
-The African-American Museum of Iowa
is planning a $5 million renovation.
-That's how much it costs to pick it up
and put it anywhere else.
[ Laughter ]
-A Mormon leader recently called same-sex marriage
"the devil's work."
-Said lesbians, "I thought the devil's work was makeup."
[ Laughter ]
-Is that true?
-No, the devil's work is underwires.
-Ah. [ Laughter ]
-You know. -They know.
-They know. [ Cheers and applause ]
-The co-creator of the sitcom "Friends" donated $4 million
to the African-American Studies department at her alma mater.
-But she needs to be donating it to Regine, Max, Synclaire,
Overton, Kyle, and Khadijah.
[ Laughter, cheers, applause ]
Seth, do you know who those people are?
-I do. -How?
-Because every time "Friends" come up,
you tell me it's a rip-off of "Living Single."
-It is, and I demand justice! -Okay.
[ Laughter ]
In honor of gay people, Burger King, this month,
released a special Pride whopper.
-And in honor of lesbians, they released chicken fingers.
[ Laughter ]
-Oh!
An investigation has found that Black doctors are being
forced out of residencies at a higher rate than white doctors.
-And that is not fair because Black doctors
also deserve the opportunity to tell me I'm making it up.
[ Laughter ]
-Tampax recently revealed that demand for their tampons
has increased by nearly 8%.
-Which is great 'cause they're usually in the red.
[ Laughter ]
[ Audience "Oohs" ]
[ Laughter continues ]
-Oh, I wish I could've told that one.
[ Laughter ]
The first Black woman to visit every country
has written a book.
-It's called, "Uh-oh! It's Like This Everywhere."
-Amber! [ Laughter and applause ]
-Sorry. It's called
"Why Does Everyone Keep Telling Me to Leave?"
-Amber! [ Laughter ]
-Sorry. It's called
"All the Places I Couldn't Find Hair Care Products."
[ Laughter ]
-You know, Seth, we love doing this segment...
-Mm-hmm. -...but sometimes it feels
a little inefficient.
Like, I tell a gay joke... -Then I tell a Black joke,
and back and forth, blah, blah, blah.
-So, in an attempt to make things more streamlined,
we found one person who can do both.
-Oh, you did? -Yeah.
Come on out!
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Hey, it's Wanda Sykes, everybody!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Thanks for being here, Wanda.
[ Cheers and applause continues ]
-Hi, Seth. -Hi. You ready to do this?
-Fire away. -All right, here we go.
The website Women's ERA recently published a list
of interesting conversation starters
for lesbians on first dates.
-Conversation starters like, "When can you move in?"
[ Laughter ]
-A family in Canada was recently followed by a black bear
during their hike for nearly 20 minutes.
-Said the black bear, "Well, now you know how I feel at CVS."
[ Laughter ]
-That was great. That was a lot more efficient.
-Yeah. -Hey, Seth,
why don't you tell one? -Oh, guys, I just shouldn't.
-Come on, just one!
-I just don't feel like it's gonna end well.
-Oh, come on, do it. -Okay, I trust you guys.
Ethan Hawke is starring in a new thriller called
"The Black Phone," and like all black phones,
expect it to ring during the movie.
-[ Gasps ] -Seth!
[ Laughter ] -No, no, I --
I can fix it, don't worry. Let me try again.
Ethan Hawke is starring in a new thriller
called "The Black Phone."
"The Black Phone" -- pick it up if you want,
but it's gonna be a bill collector.
-How dare you!
-You all told me it would be okay!
-You should be ashamed of yourself!
-Black women and lesbians
and Black women who are lesbians are liars!
-[ Gasps ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
-We'll be right back with Wanda Sykes, everybody.