You're playing PUBG one day and you just can't seem to get a single win.
You've been matched with a ten year old player that keeps yelling at you over voice chat
how terrible you are and that you should probably yeet yourself IRL.
Worst- you seem to keep being stuck in matches with him, humiliating one-shot kill after
one-shot kill.
After what must be your tenth or fifteenth headshot by this middle school online bandit,
you start suspecting that he's cheating.
Sure enough, your worst suspicions are true and when you realize he's using an aimbot,
you log off in disgust.
When you push away from your computer though something strange happens.
You take a bite out of your peanut butter and jelly sandwich and it tastes like chicken.
You tape a sip of soda- tastes like chicken.
You bite a chunk off your desk and, you guessed it, tastes like chicken.
It's then that you realize with growing horror that your entire life is a lie, and you've
been living inside the Matrix this whole time.
Even more terrifying, your door gets blasted off its hinges and guess who it is- your ten
year old online bully, who's figured out how to hack an aimbot in the Matrix, and now he's
after you.
So you've taken the blue pill by accident and realized that your whole life is a lie
and you live in an imperfect digital reconstruction of a late 1990s world run by machines who
use human bodies as batteries because we blotted out the sun with nuclear weapons hundreds
of years ago- oh, and your PUBG 10 year old cheating tormentor is after you now, replete
with his aimbot hacks.
How are you going to survive this?
Well, you could try and appeal to the system administrators of the fake real world and
report this annoying little sh- we mean, cheating and verbally abusive pre-teen for hacks, but
that's probably not going to get you very far as the machines are still busy trying
to figure out how to not make everything taste like chicken.
You're on your own on this one, and sadly for you in your Matrix reality Neo is not
a moody, attractive in a weird, sort of off-putting away Keanu Reeves- it's a mean-spirited spoiled
brat ten year old.
To defeat this enemy, you'll have to know your enemy.
An Aimbot is basically nothing more than a hack that assists players who are terrible
at video games.
Aimbots were notorious in the early days of online computer gaming, when game developers
assumed the best of humanity and took few if any measures against cheating.
That lasted until about 2pm of the first day of online multiplayer gameplay, and developers
quickly realized that humans are the devil and we can't have nice things because we not
only break them, we actively want to break them.
Initially aimbots were pretty obvious, players would basically just move their character
forward and the aimbot would automatically aim the weapon at the nearest enemy player-
typically aiming straight for the head so as to get one-hit kills.
Aimbots were typically coupled with triggerbots, so that as soon as an enemy player was in
the targeting reticles and there were no obstacles in the way, the triggerbot would automatically
fire the equipped weapon.
Eventually though this type of online cheating became quite obvious, and developers started
laying down the banhammer with all the might of Thor himself.
After players became banned for cheating, all video game players of all ages realized
that cheating was bad and unsportsmanlike and instead of craving the need to feel like
an elite in a digital world and inflate their ego due to their shortcomings in the real
world, all video game players agreed to never cheat again.
Just kidding, people just started cheating much more intelligently.
Initially aimbots were pretty easy to spot, specially in spectator mode as the cheating
player would constantly have their orientation turned towards the nearest enemy player, even
if that player was on the other side of a wall or otherwise opaque barrier and in no
way detectable under normal circumstances.
Aimbot developers thus had to get smarter, and make their bot less obvious.
Aimbots thus started to work with varying levels of effectiveness, and would generally
not turn towards an enemy player until that player was sharing the same space as the cheating
player.
This helped mask the fact that an aimbot was in use.
Aimbots could be further toned down and simply activate when the cheating player aimed in
the general direction of an enemy player, and when the aiming reticles got to within
a certain parameter of the target, the bot would take over to deliver highly precise
fire.
Triggerbots underwent much the same evolution, all in a bid to stay under the radar.
Right now you can find aimbots for every major FPS out there, and many which are pay-per-download
and make some very shady promises about their effectiveness.
It's likely that most of those are traps, waiting to infect your computer with ransomware
or other malware, and you know what- if you're willing to pay money to cheat, you totally
deserve it.
Unfortunately for you though, your 10 year old tormentor's acquired an aimbot in your
digital reality, how are you going to defeat this aimbot?
We suppose you could try to appeal to the digital authorities.
After all if your world is a matrix construct then there's bound to be real-life- well,
you know, real to you- admins whose job it is to make sure people don't hack themselves
into being glittery vampires or superheroes.
Chances are that there's some pretty serious anti-cheating protection measures running
already, as the entire point of the Matrix is for machines to use us as unwitting batteries
by making us believe we're living in the real world while our bodies provide the power for
them to compute pi.
Seeing some guy randomly activating an invincibility hack and swimming in lava is definitely going
to start tipping people off to the actual reality of their environment, and that's something
the machines don't want.
So go ahead, open up a support ticket and see if you get a response.
We have no idea how you'd do that though, but we do know that if you start looking for
guys dressed in all black leather with black sunglasses, you're going to start drawing
the attention of machine security pretty quickly.
Once Mr. Smith shows up at your place just explain what's going on- a trash talking pubescent
child is threatening to headshot you from maximum range and that's totally unfair.
The machines just might listen and ban your tormentor for life from the Matrix- which
we're pretty sure means that his real life body is disconnected and he is flushed down
a tube for recycling into the white goo that feeds and sustains all of humanity.
Yeah, you didn't think about that did you?
Rewatch all three matrix movies and tell us in what part you saw the machines raising
cattle or tending crops so they could feed their humans.
It's people.
Everyone everywhere is being force-fed dead humans via feeding tubes.
Remember when your grandparents passed away?
That was lunch.
Sadly for you, your cheating aimbot hacker is ten steps ahead of you, and he's already
sniped all the Agent Smiths you were looking to for help.
He's hacked the system, he's literally Neo, the machines have no chance.
They say if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.
So it's time to start cheating.
Another insidious tool of cheaters worldwide is known as artificial lag.
Basically when you lag out the stream of data coming from your computer to the server, or
between player's computers, is either slowed down or completely interrupted.
Typically this is a huge annoyance, but for enterprising cheaters, it's a massive opportunity.
By installing a lag switch, players can purposefully disrupt their upload from their computer to
the server, while on their side they queue up actions that they want to perform as soon
as the upload is re-established.
Once the switch is deactivated, the player's computer sends instructions to the server
on what the player wanted to do, and the server executes those actions, leaving other players
unable to respond.
If you're another player, you might see the cheating player appears to be teleporting,
speeding up, or might just become invisible or invincible, as where they are supposed
to physically be as represented by the game client is not where they actually are.
This lets cheating players easily outmaneuver non-cheating players.
Cheating is pretty scummy, and something only people with small egos typically do so they
can feel better about themselves in a digital world.
Today though, you're going to have to become a cheater to beat a cheater.
You're going to have to find the nearest morpheus-like character who's trying to set minds free from
the matrix- shouldn't be hard to spot, remember to look for black leather and black sunglasses.
When he asks if you want to take the red pill or the blue pill, say neither, because saving
humanity is not your thing and you'd rather stay jacked in and have dead grandparents
force-fed to you than live in the real world which is basically just living in squalor
in a cave deep underground.
While machines try to murder you every day.
No thanks.
Instead ask for a quick bit of specialized code, a lag switch.
Something you can throw on the fly, and have it disconnect you from the matrix for just
a second before re-establishing your connection.
Modern anti-cheating measures typically automatically log a player off if their connection is interrupted
for too long, forcing you to relog into the game entirely to rejoin your match.
However if you keep the interruptions to a minimum, you can get away with digital murder-
which is exactly what you want.
Now when your tiny tormentor comes trying to trash talk and aimbot you to death from
impossibly far away with a starting pistol, you're going to surprise him by throwing your
lag switch.
His aimbot will recognize that your character isn't logged in and not activate, and he'll
be left panicking as he has to manually shoot at you as you randomly teleport towards his
location.
Then just get behind him and do what you came to do- murder a child in a digital world for
trash talking.
Alternatively, you could just take the blue pill and when you wake up in your pod in the
real world, just start tearing open other pods and punching every ten year old you find
in the face.
How would you defeat a real-life aimbot?
If our world isn't a digital simulation, why do so many things taste like chicken?
Let us know in the comments!
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