- Hi, I'm Bowen Yang
and I'm here with Buzzfeed today to read thirst tweets.
Ooh, I hope I get a boyfriend out of this.
(upbeat music)
Okay, first tweet.
"I just want to kiss Bowen Yang just one time."
Okay, um they're already putting a cap on it.
Just one time.
I like a nice progression up.
Like first time let's keep the lips unparted.
We build up to full on throat play.
"Anyways, I hope Bowen Yang knows how much he means
to my gay Asian ass.
I love him so much."
That's so nice.
I wish this person was just like an ethnic Frankenstein
and they had a gay Asian ass
and you know, a lesbian Irish tit.
The other tit can be anything.
And then the third tit can be specifically Brazilian.
"Is Bowen Yang single?
Bowen, if you see this before Wednesday night,
I want you to know that I am free on Wednesday night.
And if you're free on Wednesday night,
I would like to get dinner with you on Wednesday night
when I am free."
This is really sweet.
Wednesday nights are tough.
Either I am watching Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
or I'm at work,
and I'm waiting for the picks to go out
for each week at SNL,
or I'm maybe just spinning out at home in private.
Wednesdays are tough.
I'm not usually free, but this person seems really nice.
"I want to quit my job
to become the little sparkle in Bowen Yang's eyes."
My eyes are really dull actually.
So I don't know what this person's talking about.
I get a little bit of reflection on them
when I put contacts in because the reflective index
is different than my actual eyeballs,
but sparkle, that's a stretch.
And does this person want to (beep) me?
I don't know, I can't tell.
Next one.
"Oh, Bowen Yang's got that body-ody-ody.
Noted."
That's really nice.
It's certainly not Megan Thee Stallion level.
It's certainly not Courtney Act level.
I have a remarkably short torso.
I make it work,
but like the space between like the bottom of my ribs
to my hip bone is like maybe two centimeters long.
Just kidding.
It's more than that, but it's just, it's just not,
I'm not working with much like waist here.
So anytime, you know, someone tries to cinch me,
which is a lot and they're like, oh, there's nothing there.
Everybody's different, every body's beautiful.
Brackets, "Get stabbed by Bowen Yang."
Brackets, "Blood coming out of my mouth.
Thanks, king."
Dead emoji.
That's like best case scenario.
If you were to stab someone and they thanked you.
You'd be like that went so much better
than I thought it would.
"Can anybody get a message to Bowen Yang for me?
Can you tell him I'm still waiting for him
to match with me on Tinder
since I paid $5 to be able to swipe right."
What's that business model, Tinder?
I mean, the super likes, the Tinder Gold, the Tinder Plus.
I call freemium (beep) on that whole thing.
Love Tinder.
Have had C plus dates thanks to you guys.
And I will always cherish them,
but you made this poor person pay $5
so that he could potentially match with me.
And that feels like a scam.
"Bowen Yang can spit in my mouth."
Parted lips emoji.
What's it called when you're like
the receptive partner to spit.
That's what I am.
So I'm like a spit bottom.
I guess I'm here to coin mussie, bussie with an M.
You do the math.
This is a Taron Egerton moment for all of you
who are now learning what the word mussie is.
I have a great mussie. (laughs)
"No thoughts, just leather daddy Bowen Yang, #SNL"
Oh, this is when I dressed up
as the leather daddy village person
as part of this Village People thing we did on SNL
on Weekend Update, you should check it out.
Something about a handlebar mustache really works on me
and my hair follicles on my actual face
will never, ever, ever grant me that.
I'm not fully hairless, okay.
(sarcastic laughing)
"All I want is for Bowen Yang to message me on grinder."
Oh Grindr, duh.
Just kidding, I knew what he meant.
"While I'm in the city."
Oh, so this person is visiting.
Well, darn it.
I would love to be like the sexual equivalent of,
you know, tickets to Hamilton.
A Balthazar Bakery moment.
The Glossier Flagship.
I would love to be like a New York City attraction.
Like come to the city, and you're lucky
if you have the right concierge at your hotel,
they might be able to get you a message from me on Grindr.
What am I saying?
"Nobody: nothing.
Me: "I would top Bowen Yang."
(crickets chirping)
Okay. I mean, great.
This is as wonderfully transactional
as I want any interaction to be preceding sex.
Nobody says anything.
Literally nobody says a word and this person says to nobody
"I would top Bowen Yang."
And if I somehow got wind of that, I would be like, great.
"I'm obsessed with Bowen Yang's mouth."
You mean my mussie, next tweet.
"POV: it's 2022.
Bars open.
Bowen Yang is standing drinking his gin martini,"
oh, this person knows me well.
I love a gin martini.
"I see him.
We consensually kiss."
Important.
"He slaps me as he should and walks away."
I, this is such a rich text.
There's so much going on here.
There's a beginning, a middle and an end.
I know what time this takes place in.
I know so much information.
Bars open, okay, so we're in a post-COVID world.
Like COVID has happened.
This is not an alternate timeline.
I slap him as I should.
That's so rich.
I want more of that.
So we're workshopping this tweet
and I think that there's so much here.
This person can really, really, really expand this world.
And I'm really curious to know what happens in it.
"Dua Lipa got to touch Bowen Yang's ass
and now I have yet another reason to be jealous of her."
Look, that is the last thing you should be jealous about
when it comes to Dua Lipa.
She has a million other great things going for her.
The last good thing, I'll say it's a good thing
that she touched my ass.
I hope it's a highlight for her in her life
that she got to touch my ass, but you know, dream bigger.
This person can touch my ass.
If it will make them feel less jealous of Dua Lipa.
"Bowen Yang is so cute, I thought he's a porn star."
I thought he's a porn star.
Poetic.
Porn stars are so cool.
Like now it's like in order to be a porn star,
you have to like, know a bunch about like philosophy.
The job gets harder and harder as the years go by.
Like people have to be like, sapiosexually attracted to you
and sexually attracted to you.
It's a high pressure job.
It was always a high pressure job.
And now it's like,
you gotta check every box for a lot of people.
Some people do it great.
I would not.
I would not do it great.
"Yeah, I'm a slut for Bowen Yang."
That's so beautiful.
These are all poems.
I'm reading thirst poems for Buzzfeed.
The last tweet.
"Yeah, I just want to eat Bowen Yang's ass."
The casual sort of tossing it off.
Yeah, I just want to eat Bowen Yang's ass.
Just feels so effortless.
It just, it should just feel like, you know,
you're ordering something at the deli, like yeah,
I'll do sausage, egg, and cheese on a Kaiser roll.
It should be that like airy.
I love that.
I've never really expressed that about someone
in such a lackadaisical manner.
And I really admire that and even attracted to it.
Thank you so much Buzzfeed
for presenting me with all of these wonderful poems.
Beat your meat to that as much as you want on Sunday,
if that's what you'd like to do.
I am not here to yuck anyone's yum,
especially if the yum is me.
Please watch Awkwafina is Nora from Queens.
Season two premiering August 18th
on Comedy Central at 10, nine Central.
(slow jazz music)