-Super baggy jeans, a t-shirt with a witty slogan
or a sarcastic ism, and then my fisherman's vest.
I wore this outfit through all seasons.
Like, all weather conditions, the vest was on my body.
It was like my armor,
and I think it started in sixth grade,
and I wore it up until sophomore year of high school.
Public school beats the weird out of you.
Montessori School grooms the weird into you.
You're allowed to be, like, magical fairy children
and run around in the woods and catch tadpoles
and play the recorder and finger-weave.
And so that's where my vest came to be.
The pockets were spacious,
so I could put so much stuff on my person,
sticks of gum,
Werther's Originals, Band-Aids, antiseptic wipes,
literally anything anyone could want or need
if they got injured.
I just was, like, prepared.
I was prepared for anything.
After sixth grade, I went to a public school.
I had stuff in my pockets,
and that was like kind of an unexpected thing
for somebody to go over to a group of kids and be like,
"Look, I got," like, "lollipops for everyone!"
Like, it was like a backup way to be, like,
interesting or funny.
It also, it hid me.
I think around the age of 14
is when I started wanting to be seen by boys.
I had this really irrationally long crush
on this trumpet player.
I remember him being, like, really funny.
But he also picked his nose
[laughs] in class.
And it didn't deter me.
I was like, "I like this kid
'cause he is funny, but he picks his nose.
Everyone has flaws."
He asked to borrow my calculator once, and I, like,
I, like, freaked out.
It was a special day.
That was the extent of our relationship.
I was scared to put myself out there so a boy could see me,
but I, like, desperately wanted to be liked.
And so I think my friends were just, like, very pivotal
in, like, instigating my whole giving up of the vest.
If you do not wear the vest for 30 days,
then you will get a party.
If you put the vest on your body,
you will not get a party.
And so it was just kind of like this cold turkey,
like, vest rehab, and we called it
Vestless in May.
The first day I didn't wear the vest to school,
I felt naked.
I felt vulnerable.
It was kind of like jumping into the deep end.
Even though I wasn't wearing my vest,
I had to keep it close by.
I think I carried it around in my backpack.
But, yeah, I completed the 30 days.
I got my party.
And then we put my vest on a piñata.
And we beat it.
It's a really aggressive ending to an era [laughs]
but that was the end of an era, with that party.
Sometimes when I think back on my vest,
I wonder why it took me so long to stop wearing it.
I feel like I had this idea that if I could stay
in the vest, nothing could hurt me.
I still hold onto a lot of my fear
about what growing up means.
Getting married, having kids, retiring, getting old.
I just feel like all those things
scare the [bleep] out of me,
and if I could just stop time by not doing adult things,
then I can just, like, stay a kid.