The British Royal Family.
They're like the Kardashians with an occasional beheading.
-(laughter, groans) -Now, the Royal Family
has had plenty scandals in their time, but right now
they're going through an unprecedented crisis.
Last week, Prince Harry and Meghan Markle announced
that they are no longer going to be
on the family phone plan anymore.
And so today, the queen called everyone together
for an emergency Royal Summit.
We move now-- and we just mentioned it
a couple of seconds ago--
the latest drama surrounding the Royals.
The queen, as we speak, holding a crisis summit
with her family in the wake of Prince Harry
and Meghan Markle's stunning decision
to step back from their role.
Harry and his Dad Charles and brother William were there,
and Meghan Markle reportedly
called in from Canada.
Yes. The queen summoned everyone to a private meeting
at her royal country house, and everyone attended
except Meghan Markle, who conference-called in.
And I'll be honest, I don't blame Meghan for not going.
Because nothing good happens
when white people invite you to the countryside.
-(laughter) -I...
-(applause) -We all know.
We've all seen it. We've all seen Get Out.
We know how this shit ends.
(applause, whooping)
And by the way, how gangsta is it
that the queen is 93 years old and still driving herself? Huh?
That is so dope. 93 years old. She's in a Range Rover
like she's in a hip-hop video from the '90s.
Like, you could throw some Biggie under that clip,
and it wouldn't look out of place.
♪ Uh! ♪
♪ Come on ♪
♪ Sicka than your average ♪
♪ Poppa twist cabbage off instinct ♪
♪ ... don't think shit stink ♪
♪ Pink gators, my Detroit players ♪
♪ Timbs for my hooligans... ♪
Anyway, the big question everyone's asking right now is:
Why?
Why would Harry and Meghan
want out of a life that so many people dream of having?
I mean, think about it, we kiss frogs
to try and become royalty. Huh?
-The only thing I've ever gotten is frog herpes. -(laughter)
But for Harry and Meghan in particular
the reality of being a royal couple
has been far from a fairy tale.
NEWSMAN: Just a few months into their relationship,
British tabloids descended on them
with racially charged headlines and commentary.
Like this one from the Daily Mail that read:
"Harry's girl is almost straight out of Compton."
A British deejay has been fired for a controversial tweet
about the royal baby.
The BBC's Danny Baker posted a photo showing a couple
holding hands with a chimpanzee,
and the caption read: "Royal baby leaves hospital."
The wife of one of the queen's cousins,
Princess Michael of Kent, wore what's called
a blackamoor brooch to the queen's annual Christmas lunch,
with Harry and Meghan in attendance.
The jewelry is widely viewed as racist
for its depiction of black people.
Wow. Wearing a blackamoor brooch to meet Meghan's, like, family?
You're meeting Meghan Markle, you're meeting everyone else.
That is next-level.
Like, I wonder if this woman has
a cabinet full of racist brooches
for different occasions.
Like, who even has that? Is she just like,
"Jeeves, I'm off to Korea.
"Fetch my necklace of a dog in a frying pan, please.
We're going all the way."
But this shows you, this shows you some
of what Meghan was up against.
Right? To her critics, you've got to understand,
Meghan was everything people didn't want in the Royal Family.
She's black. She's from the middle class.
She's a divorcee. And worst of all,
she said the American version of The Office is way better.
(laughter)
And the biggest... the biggest culprit
of the Meghan criticism has been the British tabloid press.
I mean, just look at a few of these stories.
It went viral this weekend, like, how they covered Meghan
in comparison to Kate Middleton, all right?
Direct... direct stories. When Kate was pregnant,
the Daily Mail said: "Pregnant Kate tenderly cradles
her baby bump."
But when Meghan did the exact same thing,
the headline was: "Why can't Meghan Markle
"keep her hands off her bump?
Is it pride, vanity, acting...?"
The press did this with everything.
When Kate was pregnant, the Express said
that she was eating avocadoes for her morning sickness cure.
But then when Meghan ate them,
suddenly Meghan's beloved avocadoes were linked
to human rights abuse and drought!
Yeah. And I mean, think about it.
Prince Andrew's over here having sleepovers
at Jeffrey Epstein's house, and the British press is like:
"Meghan Markle ordered guacamole!"
(laughter)
So it's-it's completely understandable
that Harry and Meghan would want to step away
from all of this hate in the UK.
But now everyone is wondering what they'll do
to support themselves without any of that royal cash.
Well, good news: Meghan's already got herself a job.
Meghan, the Duchess of Sussex,
is reportedly working on a deal
to record a voice-over for Disney.
Meghan and Prince Harry met with Disney CEO
at the London premiere of The Lion King in July,
where Harry appeared to discuss possible future projects.
Okay, wait.
Prince Harry really did that?
At a movie premiere last year,
he asked the CEO of Disney
to hook his wife up with voice-overs.
And, I mean, don't get me wrong.
On the one hand, husband goals.
On the other hand, you got to admit
the monarchy has fallen off, right?
No, 'cause back in the day, it used to be like,
"If you marry my daughter, I'll give you Burgundy."
And now it's like, "My wife actually does
"a pretty good Timon. You should hear her.
"Come on, baby, do the thing.
'Hakuna... Hakuna Matata.' Do the thing."
And, you know, what's funny
is whenever you see the world's most powerful people talking,
we always assume that they're talking about important things
like climate change or world peace
or the next Illuminati orgy,
but it turns out they're all just hustling.
Yeah. It's like, "Oh, did I mention
"I started selling fudge?
"Take, uh, my card with my website on it.
It's BillGatesFudge.com."
(laughter)
But that's where we are right now.
Meghan and Harry are on their way to a new life,
the press is losing one of their favorite targets
and the queen is so angry about it
that she's about to go do some drive-bys.