I do a lot of college shows,
which, it's fun, but you have to spend
a lot of time with college kids,
and you forget what they're like because we keep them quarantined
during that portion of their life.
But they're, oh...
There's no consequences for college kids.
You can just walk in front of oncoming traffic
like a complacent Clark Kent.
They're just adorable, with their MacBook Pros
and their wrong opinions on things.
You know what I mean? It's just, like...
People always give teenagers a tough time,
but, like, at least teenagers know they're children.
Whereas college kids will just walk up, like,
"What's up? My name's Devin, or something stupid.
"Let's talk about the economy,
even though I've never paid an electricity bill."
It's like, no.
Slow down, Atlas Shrugged, I don't need your...
I don't know, it's...
I'm not trying to sound judgmental.
I remember, when I was in college,
I was just a terrible person.
One of the worst things I did in college was,
I was prescribed to a drug called Adderall,
which you guys...
You guys party, right? Yeah.
(applause)
I didn't like the effect Adderall had on me,
so I decided to stop taking it,
but I kept filling the prescriptions,
because apparently there's, like, a huge market
among college kids.
So I sold it, so I was a drug dealer,
but in, like, the least gangster way possible, right?
Just, like, hanging out in the quad between classes,
like, "Hey, youngblood, hey.
You want to get high? Grades?"
I was the only person on campus selling it, too, which was...
I met a lot of interesting people.
There was one girl who was trying to sleep with me
to get free Adderall.
Attention whore.
(groaning and laughter)
It's more for me than for you, that's fine.
That's okay, that's okay.
The thing about college is,
when you're in college, it makes sense,
but when you go back and visit college as a grown-up,
it's crazy.
Like, I realize, at this point,
I don't even know how to explain how college works
without it sounding like I'm pitching a sadistic concept
for a reality show.
It's like, "All right, here's what we do.
"We take human beings during the four years
"we're the most physically attractive and sexually able,
"and then we put them in an all-expenses-paid resort
"with no supervision and limitless booze,
and then see if they can learn, huh?"
To... When you're a no-name comedian,
to get booked to do college shows,
you have to do these things called NACA conventions.
They're these giant weekend-long conferences
where you go and you showcase for student bookers
from, like, hundreds of schools.
But because college kids are so progressive,
a lot of the other acts
are people who talk about how they've overcome persecution
for their ethnicity, for their sexual orientation,
for disabilities,
and then me.
And here's the thing about me,
my appearance evokes many feelings.
Sympathy is not one of them, you know what I mean?
No one wants to hear about the plight of a guy
with resting rich face.
It's just not very, not very compelling.
There's no one in the audience, like,
"I want to hear more about his Kampf,"
or whatever it's called, and, uh...
(laughter)
Well-read crowd, all right.
The thing is, for me,
the contrast makes it very challenging,
because I'll be sitting backstage
and I'll hear the performer in front of me come out.
And he's like, "Hey, what's up, y'all?
"Let me tell you what it's like
being a sassy transgender Muslim," right?
And the crowd just explodes.
Like, "Yeah, you're my spirit mammal," right?
And then she just crushes for 15 minutes,
talking about overcoming adversity
and early-onset Parkinzheimer's, and then...
I'm next, and I walk onstage,
and even though they've never seen me before,
I'm how they already pictured
the bad guy from her stories, right?
The crowd, not on my side, sea of contempt,
just the death glare
from a thousand gender studies majors.
They're just like, "All right, okay.
"So what's your struggle, huh?
Talk about your hardships."
It's like, "Uh...
"People incorrectly assume I'm good at lacrosse?
Like, I don't..."
You know what I mean?
That's why I'm not edgy as a comedian.
I feel like I'm just too privileged-looking
to have an opinion, you know what I mean?
Like, I can't walk onstage and be like, "Black people..."
It's like, "Whoa, there, boat shoes.
"No, no, no, no, no, uh-uh.
"You don't get to have a bold stance on race
"and the keys to your parents' lake house.
That's not how this life works."
I don't know, I feel like, as a white person,
that whenever I bring up race,
it just sounds a little bit racist, you know what I mean?
Like, I used to do recruiting work,
and they'd send me around the country, and this one time,
I ended up at a career fair at Dartmouth College.
And while I was there, I saw this girl walking around
who was African-American, very attractive,
and she looked exactly like this girl I went to school with.
And I really wanted to tell her that,
but then a voice in my head was, like, "Yeah, don't.
Don't say that," right?
Because, best-case scenario, all she is going to hear is,
"Oh, cute, Zack Morris thinks all black people look the same."
Right? So it's like...
So I ended up talking to her anyway,
and we chatted for a little while,
and I mentioned where I went to school.
And she goes, "Oh, Rice, um, long shot,
but did you have a class with my identical twin sister?"
And I was like, "Wow, that's crazy.
"I was going to say something,
but I thought I'd sound racist because you're black."
And she was like, "No, but now you do."