MAN MOANS
Oh...!
Yes, please!
HE SIGHS
Well, OK...
You were definitely faking that.
No, I wasn't.
What are you talking about?
I will contain evidence.
Evidence?
All right, Miss Marple!
What?
I don't... What do you...?
I'll be back in a second.
This is insane.
You're being ridiculous!
I knew it! Absolutely nothing!
Doesn't prove anything.
Zilch!
I'm not a Pez dispenser!
I just don't understand why you're lying.
If we've got a problem we should talk about it.
Men can fake it, you know.
How do you know?
Well, why are you reading articles if you've never faked it before?
Well, I love to learn!
OK...
I was worried I was taking too long,
and I started to overthink it, then I thought,
"Oh, I'd better pretend, I don't want to offend you."
I'm sorry. Are you happy?
I'm really happy, I'm absolutely delighted about it.
Erm, oh, while we're talking about it, you should know that
actually I faked it quite a lot of times as well.
Yeah, well, I'm aware.
Well, cos you're clearly not Meryl Streep,
and I'm not a fucking idiot.
MAN SIGHS
I just nailed my best mate's mum.
Do you have to keep saying that every time?
Stop nailing me and I'll stop saying it, innit?
Shall I drop in later on this evening?
Anyway, I won't be here. I've got, er, a date.
Malcolm from the post office.
He's the same age as me.
And who's called Malcolm anyway?
Sounds like the kind of name you'll grow into on your death bed.
Look, let me take you out.
What's he got that I haven't?
A best friend that isn't my son.
Disposable income - although, to be fair, I'm taking him out.
Well, then, cancel! Take me instead.
OK, we're going to a talk at the town hall
on the fiscal implications of Brexit.
I'll pick you up at eight.
Shit.
I'm just not a fan of them.
Rubbish. Who doesn't like blowjobs?
You clearly think I'm crap. Well, I'm not.
My ex said that I was fantastic!
It's just some people are into things and some people aren't.
My mum makes a superb cheesecake, but I'm not into cheesecake.
Oh, my God, do not bring your mum into this.
But the point is there's no need to be offended.
I'm just trying to be honest.
No!
I just find there's too much pressure.
Oh, OK. Well, I'll go lighter next time.
The point is, it feels selfish cos I'm constantly worried
about whether you're having an OK time.
Oh, come on, it's not a...
Chupa Chup! Plus...
I don't know what to do when you're down there.
Should I just keep repeatedly thanking you?
It's like when a waiter tops up your drink.
I can never just let them do it in silence,
I just keep thanking them over and over until they're gone.
Maybe just try and enjoy it.
What's to enjoy about watching someone pour a drink?
No, no, the blowjob.
Why would a waiter be giving me a blowjob?
Oh, come on, that's funny.
Don't be like that.
HE SIGHS
Look, here's the proof.
You know I like it when you use your hand.
Yeah?
Well, yeah, obviously.
you've never caught me trying to give myself a blowjob.
Have you?
And with that mental image,
I will never be able to give you one again.
What a shame(!)
Oh, my God, eat shit, you piece of...!