Heya playa, has someone ever done something that you felt was worthy of criticism?
Whether it's calling you a name, making fun of you, teasing you about something and you
just wanted to call them out on it without looking like a jerk or being mean to them?
I know how tough it can be sometimes to explain and express how we feel without it blowing
up in our face so I do want to share a few techniques as to how you can approach a conversation
without being a jerk.
This is The Josh Speaks.
You're watching The Josh Speaks.
For those of you that are new here, my name is Josh and every single Monday through Friday
I make videos sharing tips, ideas and stories teaching you how to be your best self.
And sometimes the hardest challenge we can face is dealing with other people, am I right?
They will say things and do things that will completely push our buttons and make us feel
like we don't even care how we respond, we just want to tell them off.
And in that moment you might feel like that's exactly what they need to hear.
It doesn't matter if they actually learn from what you have to say, they just deserve to
be told off so that they can know that they're doing something wrong.
Have you ever tried to justify reacting like that before?
Never really thinking about the consequences of your actions but just thinking about the
harm or the anger you wanted to inflict on that other person?
Anger can be a natural response to things sometimes but anger is not equivalent to saying
or doing something mean.
And that's where we have to recognize that there's a disconnect.
There are many different ways to express that anger so why do we always end up choosing
the most negative behaviors.
Being passive aggressive, name-calling, criticizing someone, being physically violent.
Why do we choose that path?
Connecting our anger with negative behaviors can feel therapeutic but there are plenty
of good behaviors that we can also connect our anger to that feel just as therapeutic.
For example in the practice of mindfulness, having some kind of reminder whether it's
a bell, a sound, a word, whatever it is to help bring you back to the present moment
can help you feel more calm, more rational and more able to approach the situations that
you encounter.
For example, let's say someone calls you a name or makes fun of you.
That feeling of anger that you're encountering could be the trigger that you need to close
your eyes, start breathing and really come back to your present self.
Plenty of research shows that when we experience negative emotions if we allow ourselves to
be calm for about 90 seconds it gives the chemicals in our brain some time to dial down
and to relax itself so we can approach that situation with a more open mind.
So if someone calls you a name or says something that you don't like, your initial response
might be to lash back out at them, to just let your emotions take over and generally
go in a negative way.
But if you give yourself time to breathe.
If you really collect your thoughts and your mind in that moment, your response after those
90 seconds is not going to be that negative one.
You might even feel like a response is not necessary in that moment.
Why continue to engage in this banter with this person who's clearly either having a
bad day or doesn't know how to express themselves without taking it out on someone else.
Another thing we tend to jump to when we don't want to be outwardly and visibly mean is to
be passive aggressive.
It's to say something under our breath.
It's to make a little snide comment just to dig at them.
Just to get them back for something that they did or something that happened that we didn't
feel comfortable with.
Being passive aggressive doesn't really help us accomplish anything though.
It doesn't allow us to process our emotions better, it doesn't create a safer and more
open environment where we can share our thoughts and feelings.
Instead, it actually does the opposite.
Let's say someone tells you that you're just not good enough to do something.
That little dig can drive a deep hole inside of you to the point where you don't know how
to respond.
Your initial reaction might be to lash back out.
To say something negative right back at them without really even thinking about how it
made you feel.
It's hard to stop ourselves and say "Hang on, why did they say this?
What are they aiming to accomplish and why does it affect me so deeply?".
So in order for us to get a better understanding as to why they said it, we might even want
to ask them to say "Hey, you made this comment and it didn't really make me feel good.
Why did you feel the need to say it?"
and hopefully they can give us an honest answer.
And if they don't, ok, we move on from that and we really try to focus on ourselves.
Why did that little comment dig at us so deeply?
Why are we determining our own self-value and self-worth by the other person opinion?
In those moments, if we can let those triggering actions be a reason for us to stop, start
to breathe and to bring ourselves back to a point of center, it'll be a lot easier to
approach the situation and think about it a little bit more rationally rather than to
passively aggressively respond to them?
And I'm not saying it's easy to do.
To be able to respond in a way that you feel is positive for your own mental health is
gonna take time and practice to get there.
But I do believe each and every single one of us has the capability to process our own
feelings.
Your feelings should always be mentionable and manageable and finding the right way to
kind of balance that without negatively responding which doesn't end up helping us ultimately
is the best thing to do.
What do you think though, do you find yourself easily triggered by the things that other
people say and do?
Do you wish you had a better solution as to how to manage those feelings?
Leave your comments down below and we'll talk about it.
Now some of you might be in situations where you don't really want to put it out there
in a YouTube comment so you can always shoot me a DM over on Snapchat or Instagram.
I do my best to answer as many messages as I can.
Otherwise thank you so much for watching.
Hit the thumbs up if you enjoyed this video and don't forget to check out my new book
"Embracing The Awkward".
I'll have it linked up here on the end screen.
It's a guide for teens to succeed at school, life and relationships.
Check it out, pre-order it today.
It'll definitely help you out and help you learn how to manage those feelings.
As always guys, love and peace.