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It’s just two letters long and the same across so many languages.
So why is the word “no” sometimes so hard to say?
More importantly, how can we say it with less anxiety and more grace?
There are lots of reasons why we might feel reluctant to say no, many of them fear-based.
There’s good old-fashioned “FOMO,” for instance, whether that’s the fear of missing
out on a fun dinner with friends or a work project that could lead to a promotion.
There’s also the fear of conflict, and the fear (and guilt!) of potentially disappointing
someone.
We all want to be accepted and liked, and saying “yes”-- although it might eventually
lead to something that you don’t actually want to do—it often feels much easier in
the moment.
Basically: We don’t want to be a jerk, and we don’t want to miss out on stuff.
So before we get to how to say gracefully say no, let's take a look at those two fears.
Firstly, FOMO.
If you're constantly saying yes because you're afraid of missing out, consider this: By saying
yes, you are already missing out…on other things that you would be doing during the
time and with the energy that you've just committed to something that you aren't actually
excited about.
It's important to be able to discern the difference between good and bad uses of your time, or
even good and great uses of it, and we'll get to that in a minute.
But in general, don't let FOMO make you miss out on the life you actually want.
There will often be other opportunities that are just as good as, if not better than, the
one you gave that reflexive "yep!"
Secondly, there’s the fear that saying no equals being a jerk.
And if that’s the case, I say no a lot and so I am a huge jerk.
I hope that’s not true.
Now, don't get me wrong: There are times in life where doing something unpleasant is kind
of a requirement for being a decent person.
And, yes, there are instances—say, if you're interning at a company you really want to
work with—where constantly saying "yes" is advantageous and also kind of the job.
Otherwise, though, people often overestimate how much their "no" is going to actually affect
the life of another person—and in any case, we have some communication strategies for
you to use to to avoid those hard feelings.
But remember, if you're overwhelmed, overworked, and just need to treat yo' self, saying no
isn't selfish; it's an act of self-care.
Okay!
So that's the psychology—now for the strategy.
Here are four strategies to saying no with more grace and less stress.
Strategy Number One: Take a beat.
An immediate answer is not always necessary, so it's perfectly acceptable to say something
along the lines of, "That sounds really interesting.
I'd like to give it some thought before committing either way."
People will often try to, like, get you right in the moment.
Don’t let them do it.
Especially if they’re trying to sell you something.
With the time you've bought, think about how the proposal fits in with your priorities
and goals, and the advantages and disadvantages that saying yes will offer.
And if you're not sure, you might want to reach out to friends or mentors or parents
or just, like, have a heart-to-heart with your teddy bear.
Strategy Number Two: Deliver the news deliberately.
Let's say you've come to a "no" conclusion, or an immediate answer is necessary.
The way you give your no will contribute a lot to how the other person perceives it.
One great way to do this is to offer your answer with gratitude and with context.
For instance, if you've been invited to a party you're giving a big "nope," you might
say something like, "Thank you so much for the invitation, and I'm sure y'all are going
to have a great time.
But my life’s been really packed lately and I need some downtime, so I won't be able
to make it."
Or, if you've been offered a job promotion that you don't actually want, you might say,
"I'm so flattered and very grateful for the offer, but because of other obligations, I'm
not in a place right now where I can accept the new position.
I'm sure you'll find somebody fantastic who is fully able to commit."
You might even offer to them that you can help them find that person.
Now, the asker might try to use the information you offered as an opening to try to needle
you into saying yes.
In that case, just give a firm but polite, "Thank you so much for thinking of me, but
I really do have to say no."
I’m totally guilty of needling people when I invite them to parties and they say that
they need a nap.
I’m like, "no you don’t, you need to party.
You need to party with me at my house."
So when they come back and they say "really, really for real though, I can’t" and I’m
like, "okay".
And I’m not mad at them, I promise.
Important bonus tip: Don't feel the need to be overly apologetic!
That can often just make things more awkward and make you seem wishy-washy in your decision-making.
Strategy Number Three: Offer an alternative.
Imagine that somebody’s asked you to contribute to a project.
If you feel conflicted or unable to give a flat-out no, suggest another, less stressful
way to be a part of it, or ask if you can participate at a later date.
Strategy 3B is to say no but help the asker out by pointing them toward other resources
like, "I'm not up for this, but you might want to ask my friend Jeremy.
He’s great and even better than me, I promise."
And Strategy Number Four: Open in case of "badgers."
If someone keeps badgering you and won't accept no for an answer, what then?
Well, develop a few badger-proof phrases to have at your disposal.
One advice columnist offers a suggestion that I like a lot, it’s this: “With my schedule,
I would be unreliable, and I won’t let myself be that,” that puts it on you, and it says
that, like, this is something that you are making about yourself but it also is in the
best interests of the asker that you don’t do this.
Another really good one: “My family would be disappointed in me if I took another obligation.”
Nobody’s going to keep pestering you after you throw them that one.
Living in today’s fast-paced, hyper-connected world can be a blessing and a curse.
But whatever your situation may be, and however you choose to deal with it, we hope these
strategies helped.
We at How to Adult are very curious about what your strategies are for saying no with
grace and aplomb.
Let us know in the comments section below.
I don’t know what aplomb means.
I don’t.
I have no idea.
And of course, if you want to learn more about adulting with me
and Rachel, you can go to youtube.com/learnhowtoadult to subscribe.