hi my name is Bob Borden I was a late show staffer from 1995 to 2009 I started off as
the male boy and then I was a receptionist then I was a writer's assistant and finally I was
a writer before I was a staffer I found out that late night was going off the air and moving to CBS
so I knew that I had to get my letter on viewer mail so for months and months I sent in letters
and finally it happened Dear Dave letter number four begins what's the deal with Geraldo a late
night fan Bob Borden Steubenville Ohio what's the deal with Geraldo Paul are you ready yes all right
it's time to play what's the deal with Geraldo and go uh allergic to him yes shares his one
bedroom apartment with hundreds of cats yes caused the breakup of Barbara Walters marriage correct
developing totally Geraldo cologne yes addicted to Sterno yeah wanted for mail fraud in Oregon right
he's not he's not not terribly bright is he no he's not didn't have did not have a girlfriend in
high school yeah be careful mustache fake teeth yes uh actually thinks he's a real journalist
that's right here's a fun fact I was on the very first Late Show with David Letterman on CBS Paul
Newman of course was famously in the audience so when a celebrity went into the audience we had two
people on either side of them just to prevent people from you know maybe waving their hand
in front of the camera if you catch the zoom and freeze it and point an arrow you can see me right
in the audience but I want you to meet Paul Newman stand up there and think about Alexa please right
welcome to the program Paul thank you very much for driving by where the hell are the singing cats
this is this is not cats this is my my TV show
I'm in the wrong theater
my first job at The Late Show was male boy the mail room was on the seventh floor of the Ed
Sullivan Theater building that's also where the edit room was you would come off the elevator
you could just cut through the mail room to the edit room so I got to learn all the writers pretty
quickly one day Jill Davis one of the writers looked at me and said Bob do you have a girlfriend
and before you know it I was sitting in an office with Dave and he was introducing me to potential
dates have you ever been married well I just ended a four-year relationship oh boy what happened
there what was that guy's name um Tony Tony what's the deal on Tony he plays hockey in Scotland
sooner or later you and Agatha are having a quiet dinner someplace the guy's drunk he's
going to bust in and Club your ass to death with a hockey stick I'm gonna Club your ass
Bob do you have any questions you'd like to ask Bob what do you like in a woman oh no
you have hobbies scuba drive you ever done
any scuba diving I never I just learned how to swim this summer
so after that remote did well they started using me a lot more they sent me to the Grammys they
sent me to the Super Bowl have you ever noticed noted players slap each other
in the ass yeah those big juicy butts I slap a football player's ass in my gun
but would you slap me in the ass turn around baby
wow it hurts
the hard part of doing these remotes was coming out on stage and sitting with Dave because you
never really knew what he was going to say to you but Dave always had a way of putting me at
ease he would insult what I was wearing first of all thanks for getting fixed up to be on the show
Happy New Year Bob and uh just taking a guess here deer season I want to tell you something you're
right about the vertical stripes oh thank you for listening kind of glowing it's phosphorescent
thank you very much well you're quite welcome if you think that's a compliment sure fine
there was a shutdown in Washington D.C and they sent me to Washington for a week to find out what
was going on I remember standing out in this field with Larry King and he was uncomfortable because
it was raining and he was like what the hell am I doing here tonight Mr Borden Goes to Washington
's correspondent with Late Show with David Letterman
how is a white male room boy like you going to compete with White House Giants in terms
of reporting like Helen Thomas and Wolf Blitzer uh actually I just don't know I'm just the male boy
Mr board 's cousin says is CBS sunk what does it feel like to work for a corporation that's
the laughing stock of the whole country I'm just a male boy and I don't think
thank you very much Mr Borden John and I will be back in just a minute I remember I did one
thing in the mail room with Martha Stewart we did some Valentine's Day tips here's a tip that's sure
to Delight your sweetheart on Valentine's Day gather the following items a glue gun
several boxes of macaroni in different shapes and sizes three of your favorite colors of spray
paint an empty Kleenex box a bag of small Valentine candy some old paper towel rolls
and of course don't forget plenty of glitter and step number two give the whole damn pile of junk
to Martha Stewart and let her figure out what to do with it happy Valentine's Day everybody
are they sure by the way if you're still watching this all of my favorite Late Show memories involve
my own Clips so if that bothers you please go ahead and watch a Mr Beast video when I
was working at The Late Show in the 90s I didn't have any money so I would buy these beater cars
it felt like they would last me for a couple months one day I had an idea maybe the Late
Show would like to use it to drop bowling balls onto and I can make a little money that way okay
Corinne that's all right I just fine tune your aim here it's okay uh that should do something
all right Bob you guys oh yeah
when I was a writer I wrote a little piece for Steve Martin I pitched an audiobook where he
reads audiobook but he has a cold I went down to the Green Room I was telling Steve Martin
how he should do it which was hysterical and he was couldn't have been nicer to
me I understand there's an audio version of this is that right I did an audiobook
I think that's great because if you're in your car or something you just pop it in
do you mind if we have a little cut here to listen to yeah yeah we have some okay
foreign
get yourself into a program yeah another remote I did was Bob goes to the Poconos which was really
a fun one one of the funny moments for that remote I remember is me climbing into a hot
tub that's shaped like a giant champagne glass it was Stained on the bottom with some sort of
mystery stain that we weren't sure what it was check it out ladies big Bob is in
the big chair you know they get nothing but the biggest stars at the Poconos Bowser Carrot Top
and Jay Leno and so you guys are here on your honeymoon have you gotten freaky in
the heart-shaped tub yet of course have you gotten freaky in the heart-shaped Hub yet twice all right
what's this have you ever gotten freaky in the heart-shaped tub
uh yeah it hasn't everybody wanted to share a hot tub with me so I asked Donald
how's it going Donald so I did a remote it was a no commercial show there were no commercials
so they needed something to like transition from guest to guest and and bring the music
on they sent me to the Four Corners to eat a burrito in each state unbeknownst to us the
only place where you could get burritos was 30 miles away from our location so we had to load
up with burritos in the afternoon drive out to the four corners and those burritos just sat
there all day in the Sun and they were gross all right go ahead to finish up the burrito
um actually I finished it off in Utah no you didn't
I'm just kidding Dave yeah and when what a joke it was go ahead Bob there you are buddy yes sir
one of the coolest things I did on The Late Show was compete in a demolition derby as the
event grew closer I was getting a little nervous the protection they used in the
car was actually from the seat my head with the helmet on in the car touched the roof there's a
possibility maybe my neck could have got broken I'm here to register uh so ladies what do you
think about chances are tonight buddy you gonna get your butt kicked okay and tell me about this
flag when you're done you tear it off and that that tells the um other competitors that you
are out I'm not gonna need that because I want to run this some [ __ ] wide open
run them out across the ground take a truck
one night they used me to do jaywalking so there was times when I was a little reluctant to cross
the street and there were other times where I could make it across with no problem and Bill
Murray was on the show that day then he came out and helped me across the street he was
like slapping cars and like saying get out of my way he just made his way through like you would
think Bill Murray would hello hey Dave yeah it's me that's where I am where are you Bill
I'm not sure about how this is supposed to be done oh yeah all right be careful
all right
thank you
thank you very much bill so one of the things they asked me to do was a piece called next
time Bring Your Sister you hump it was a piece where a customer would come in they would make
their transaction and as the person's leaving I would say next time Bring Your Sister you hump
sometimes people would say you know like oh haha that's funny and then other times people would
get very very upset so there was a time when I thought I was going to get my face punched in
thank you sir all right thank you next time Bring Your Sister you hump
because yeah why my sister just bring her in all right cool
I'm hanging in there just barely but I'm doing it I hear you
there you go son well thanks
175.
thank you very much have a nice weekend
foreign thanks a lot man sure next time uh bring your sister your hump
thank you very much all right you know my sister no sir I don't can I deny just bring her yeah
you hump
one of my favorite early on segments was Bob goes to the Emmy Awards at the end of that remote I
was looking for Urkel and the payoff to that piece was Jaleel White was in our theater and
we embraced each other and during our Embrace and hugging I accidentally sweated on Julia
white and he wasn't happy about that I think he said something like he sweat on me Jaleel
if you're watching this I apologize have you guys seen Urkel have we seen him here yeah I
haven't seen him have you seen Urkel my uncle remember Eric have you seen Urkel have I seen
Urkel what kind of question is that didn't get to meet Urkel did you no and that was one of the
reasons you went out there wasn't it absolutely Bob did you learn anything from this experience
um just to not set your expertise expectation so high I have a surprise for you Urkel
I can't believe I can't believe
here's the real Urkle Jaleel White
all right
let's act out a typical scene from my day at work
I'm going to play myself and you play Dave Letterman okay hi Mr Letterman