WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW," I'M
STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
I NEED THAT LOVE AND ENERGY BECAUSE I COME TO YOU TONIGHT A
BROKEN MAN.
( LAUGHTER ) BECAUSE, THIS AFTERNOON, I WAS
SHOCKED BY THIS BREAKING NOOCH: >> THE MOOCH IS OUT.
>> ANTHONY SCARAMUCCI, GONE AFTER JUST A WEEK AND CHANGE ON
THE JOB!
>> THE MOOCH IS TOAST!
>> STEPHEN: YES, THE MOOCH IS TOAST.
THE FRONT-STABBER HAS BEEN BACK-STABBED.
( LAUGHTER ) HE SAID HE WAS GOING TO FIRE
EVERYBODY, AND YOU GOT TO ADMIT, HE DELIVERED.
( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S THOROUGH!
( PIANO RIFF ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THAT IS THOROUGH!
( LAUGHTER ) THE MOOCH LASTED AS
COMMUNICATIONS DIRECTOR FOR ONLY TEN DAYS.
( LAUGHTER ) YES, TEN DAYS!
THAT'S NOT EVEN ONE WHOLE PAY PERIOD.
( LAUGHTER ) HIS GOING AWAY PARTY CAN SERVE
WHAT'S LEFT OF HIS WELCOME CAKE.
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY, "OUT WITH THE OLD, IN WITH THE NEW,
OUT WITH THE NEW!" THE ADMINISTRATION WANTED TO
REPLACE HIM WITH SOMEBODY WHO WILL LAST LONGER, SO TODAY THEY
ANNOUNCED NEW WHITE HOUSE COMMUNICATIONS DIRECTOR
EMMANUEL FRUIT FLY.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
JUST LIKE THAT.
HE'S GONE.
( APPLAUSE ) I WAS IN MY DRESSING ROOM TYING
MY TIE, I HAD CNN IN THE BACKGROUND WITH THE MUTE ON.
>> Jon: RIGHT.
>> Stephen: AND I'M READING THE LOWER THIRD ON SCREEN
BACKWARDS AND I'M, LIKE, THAT CAN'T BE WHAT IT SAYS...
( LAUGHTER ) HERE'S HOW IT WENT DOWN.
ON FRIDAY, TRUMP HIRED NEW WHITE HOUSE CHIEF OF STAFF AND GRANDPA
WHO DOESN'T "DO HUGS," GENERAL JOHN KELLY.
( LAUGHTER ) NO SURPRISE TRUMP PICKED A
GENERAL.
ACCORDING TO ONE SOURCE, "THE KINDS OF PEOPLE THAT TRUMP
PARTICULARLY LIKES ARE PEOPLE WITH BUCKS, MONEY AND BRAIDS--
THE MILITARY."
YES, HE LIKES PEOPLE WITH BUCKS AND BRAIDS.
SO, IF KELLY DOESN'T WORK OUT, CONGRATULATIONS TO OUR NEXT
CHIEF OF STAFF, SPARKLE THE SHOW PONY.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
VERY STRONG.
OF COURSE, KELLY'S REPLACING FORMER CHIEF OF STAFF, REINCE
PRIEBUS, SHOWN HERE SEEING IT COMING.
( LAUGHTER ) KELLY IS THE POLAR OPPOSITE OF
REINCE PRIEBUS.
KELLY IS MILITARY.
PRIEBUS WAS A WASHINGTON INSIDER.
KELLY'S FROM BOSTON, PRIEBUS IS FROM WISCONSIN.
JOHN KELLY HAS TWO FIRST NAMES, AND REINCE PRIEBUS HAS NO
RECOGNIZABLE NAMES.
( LAUGHTER ) AND ACCORDING TO WHITE HOUSE
SOURCES, KELLY LET THE MOOCH GO BECAUSE HE WANTED "MORE
STRUCTURE, LESS OF 'GAME OF THRONES'."
( LAUGHTER ) ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
>> Jon: WOW.
>> Stephen: THAT'S NOT A FAIR COMPARISON.
WITH "GAME OF THRONES," YOU HAVE TO WAIT A WHOLE WEEK FOR A NEW
BEHEADING.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
NOW, AT, "GAME OF THRONES"!
VERY EXCITED ABOUT THE NEW SEASON.
KEEP THIS IN MIND -- AT 8:30 A.M. THIS MORNING, TRUMP
TWEETED THAT THERE WAS NO WHITE HOUSE CHAOS!
( LAUGHTER ) AND THEN, SIX HOURS LATER,
SCARAMUCCI WAS OUT.
EVIDENTLY "NO CHAOS" WASN'T BRAGGING, IT WAS COMPLAINING.
( LAUGHTER ) AND IN THE WHITE HOUSE PRESS
BRIEFING TODAY, SARAH HUCKABEE SANDERS SPOKE FOR MANY
AMERICANS.
>> WHAT'S HAPPENING?!
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: SHE LOOKS GOOD.
SHE LOOKS GOOD.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( LAUGHTER )
( PIANO RIFF ) I LIKE THE OUTFIT, THE MAKEUP'S
VERY NICE.
SARAH, I DON'T KNOW WHO THE MAKEUP AND HAIR PEOPLE WERE, BUT
LET'S KEEP THOSE GUYS.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Jon: WHOA!
>> STEPHEN: I FEEL BAD FOR THE MOOCH BECAUSE THIS JOB WAS
EVERYTHING TO HIM.
SATURDAY, NEWS BROKE THAT HIS WIFE FILED FOR DIVORCE WHILE
NINE MONTHS PREGNANT AND THAT HE MISSED HIS SON'S BIRTH TO BE
WITH THE PRESIDENT.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) "HEY, WHY WOULD I SHOW UP FOR
SOME KID I NEVER MET WHEN I CAN BE WITH THE MAN WHO'LL STAY
LOYAL TO ME FOR THE REST OF MY... HOLD ON, I'VE GOT ANOTHER
CALL.
IT'S THE PRESIDENT.
HE PROBABLY WANTS TO PROMOTE ME."
THE MOOCH -- ( LAUGHTER )
( PIANO RIFF ) AND IT'S IRONIC BECAUSE,
RECENTLY, WHICH APPLIES TO EVERYTHING ABOUT SCARAMUCCI, HE
SAID THIS TO THE ENTIRE WHITE HOUSE STAFF: "YOU WANT TO SELL
POSTCARDS TO THE TOURISTS OUTSIDE THE GATE, OR DO YOU WANT
TO WORK IN THE WEST WING?" JIMMY, DO WE HAVE A SHOT OF
PENNSYLVANIA AVENUE?
YEAH, THERE YOU GO.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YEAH.
( PIANO RIFF ) MM-HMM.
I TELL YA, THOUGH, SHOCKING AS IT IS,
AS HARD AS IT'S BEEN ON SCARAMUCCI, IT'S BEEN HARDER ON
ME.
THE COLBOOCH.
( LAUGHTER ) I'VE BEEN A HUGE FAN OF THE
MOOCH FOR OVER A WEEK NOW.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT I GUESS IT'S TIME FOR ME TO
GET RID OF ALL OF MY MOOCH MEMORABILIA-- MY "MOOCH-ENDISE."
( LAUGHTER ) MY MOOCH POSTER.
AND MY MOOCH BRAND STABBIN' KNIFE.
FOR FRONTS ONLY!
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
I HAD SUCH PLANS FOR HIM!
THIS IS ABSOLUTELY TRUE -- WE LITERALLY JUST FINISHED THE
CARTOON SCARAMUCCI TODAY.
>> HEY, I'M ANTHONY SCARAMUCCI!
THERE'S A NEW MOOCH IN TOWN!
>> STEPHEN: GET OUT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> EH, SPICEY!
WAIT UP!" >> STEPHEN: BUT, NOW, I GUESS
IT'S TIME TO SAY GOODBYE.
ANTHONY SCARAMUCCI, WE BARELY KNEW-CHI.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
( CHEERING ) ( PIANO RIFF )
THAT'S IT.
HE'S GONE.
WHEN WE FIRST MET SCARAMUCCI, WE PLAYED THE FUN SECTION OF
"BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY."
>> ♪ SCARAMOUCHE! SCARAMOUCHE!
WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO!
>> STEPHEN: NOW WE'VE MOVED ON TO THE SAD PART.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERING )
♪ MAMA... I JUST GOT CANNED.
BARELY GOT TO THE WHITE HOUSE.
♪ SAID SOME DUMB STUFF, NOW I'M OUT.
♪ MAMA... MY JOB HAD JUST BEGUN.
AND NOW I'VE GONE AND THROWN IT ♪ ALL AWAY.
MAMA... MOOOOOOCH.
♪ DIDN'T MEAN TO CAUSE OUTCRY.
I WON'T BE BACK TO MOOCH.
♪ THIS TIME TOMORROW, CARRY ON, CARRY ON, WITHOUT THE OLD
FRONTSTABBER ♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: HEY, HEY!
( PIANO RIFF ) THANK YOU, JON.
>> Jon: HEY!
>> Stephen: NO REHEARSAL!
( LAUGHTER ) LAST WEEK, NORTH KOREA CONDUCTED
THEIR SECOND LONG RANGE MISSILE TEST IN FOUR WEEKS.
THIS IS A SERIOUS THREAT.
BUT DON'T WORRY, THIS MORNING, THE PRESIDENT HAD WORDS OF
REASSURANCE.
>> WE'LL HANDLE NORTH KOREA.
WE'RE GONNA BE ABLE TO HANDLE THEM.
IT'LL BE-- IT WILL BE HANDLED.
WE HANDLE EVERYTHING.
( LAUGHTER ) ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
>> Stephen: WE'RE SO SCREWED.
( APPLAUSE ) NORTH KOREA LAUNCHED THE MISSILE
ON FRIDAY, AND TRUMP LEAPT INTO ACTION... 24 HOURS LATER
RETALIATING WITH THIS NUCLEAR-TIPPED TWEET.
"I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN CHINA.
OUR FOOLISH PAST LEADERS HAVE ALLOWED THEM TO MAKE HUNDREDS OF
BILLIONS OF DOLLARS A YEAR IN TRADE, YET-- DOT, DOT, DOT"
( LAUGHTER ) "DOT, DOT, DOT, THEY DO
"NOTHING" FOR US WITH NORTH KOREA, JUST TALK.
WE WILL NO LONGER ALLOW THIS TO CONTINUE.
CHINA COULD EASILY SOLVE THIS PROBLEM!"
OH, YEAH, DEMANDING ANOTHER COUNTRY SOLVE YOUR PROBLEMS IS
CLASSIC LEADERSHIP.
IN THE WORDS OF ABRAHAM LINCOLN "A HOUSE DIVIDED AGAINST ITSELF
CANNOT STAND.
SO WHEN IS CANADA GONNA FIX SLAVERY ALREADY?"
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BUT HERE'S WHAT MAKES THIS MISSILE TEST ESPECIALLY SCARY.
PREVIOUS NORTH KOREAN MISSILES HAD THE RANGE TO REACH HAWAII
AND ALASKA, BUT THIS NEW MISSILE HAS "THE RANGE TO HIT CHICAGO."
BUT I LIVED IN CHICAGO FOR YEARS, AND I HAVE A HARD TIME
BELIEVING CHICAGOANS WOULD BE SCARED BY THIS.
FOR PETE'S SAKE, THE CUBS WON THE WORLD SERIES, THEY KNOW THE
END IS NEAR.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
THE WORLD'S SEXIEST MAN, MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY IS HERE!
STICK AROUND.