I used to live in New York before I lived in L.A.,
which was great because you could get drunk
at 4:00 in the morning in New York,
hop on a train, boom, you're home, no problem.
So if I get too drunk in L.A.,
I gotta sleep on people's couches.
Here's the problem, guys. If you're anything like me,
when I get drunk, I get real horny.
All right? So cut to last week...
I'm having a great gal day, right?
Gal pal time.
Get too drunk, gotta sleep on her couch.
( groans ) Okay.
I woke up, I had the urge.
I ended up masturbating on my friend's couch, okay?
Look, I don't feel good about it.
I feel very bad about it
because now that couch
will not stop texting me! What?
Thought I was pregnant. Thank God it was a pull-out.
Hey! Boom, boom, boom.
Yeah. It's dumb.
Yes, thank you.
Getting older, too, in L.A. is such a bummer.
I'm 30 now. I just turned 30.
So I've got two years left till they put me in that iceberg.
And it's different.
Things are way different in your 30s, right?
Like, I remember parties when I was younger, like, 21, 22.
Guy who brought the drugs,
we all knew he was getting laid.
Right? Now I go to parties,
guy who brings the cheese plate
is gonna be knee-deep in puss the whole night.
Right?
You're like, "Did this motherfucker bring Manchego?"
Pow, pow, pow, pow, pow. Right?
Women start throwing their panties in the air.
You want to make a woman cum in her 40s,
give her a slice of 12-year-old aged gouda.
She'll figure it out.
- ( cheering ) - Okay.
Drinking does make you dumb.
Drinking is such a dumb thing.
I love doing it.
But, like, I was doing a show,
and this very, very, very drunk girl
came up to me after the show, and she was just like,
( slurring ) "Oh, my God. You're so funny,
but it is so hard to be skinny."
Yeah, I was like,
"Okay, bitch, why? Why is it hard?"
And this was her reason.
( slurring ) "Because sometimes your boyfriend
wants to have sex with your boobs
and there is nothing there."
That was it. That was her whole reason.
And I was so pissed I was like, "Screw that girl.
She's never gone to a store and not been able to get
anything she wants off the rack,
and she's never been thought of as being stupid or lazy
simply because of the way her body looks."
But you know what, guys? The entire time,
she was looking at me and going, "Oh, my God.
That girl is so lucky.
She has a spare vagina on her chest."
And you know what, guys?
If having two pieces of flesh touch counts as a vagina,
I've got a vagina here, I've got a vagina here,
I've got a vagina below my vagina.
You guys, I am covered in vaginas.
( cheering )
So I am a single lady now.
I was in a relationship for three years,
broken up for two of those.
And...
Right? There are some things I miss about, you know,
having a boyfriend. There are other things I don't.
Like, I don't miss this. You know that moment where,
like, you're snuggling with your loved one
and you're about to go to sleep?
You're about to go off to dreamland?
And then you feel it.
Right in the middle of your back.
You know what I'm talking about.
I don't miss feeling like I'm being held at gunpoint before I go to bed.
I don't miss that.
I did recently get broken up with over text.
Yeah, that's the worst way.
That's not true. Murder. Murder is the worst way.
If you have a choice, guys, just text her.
Right? Such a terrible way to break up with someone.
Next time I do it, I'm gonna do it the old-fashioned way.
Carrier pigeon.
Right? It's gonna flutter into his room,
land on his computer.
He's going to have to read from a tiny little scroll.
And it's gonna be like, "Dear Thomas, we are over!
I no longer hear the love in your voice.
It's been but a fortnight since you sent me a picture of your wiener."
"Your fantasy footballing is stupid,
and your Twitter is redundant. Good day!"
And then it's just gonna shit on his computer.
That's--
That's how you break up with someone.