Hello, my young apprentice.
I’m Mike, and I hope ‘The Last Jedi’ isn’t fooling around with that title.
I’m so flipping sick of these weird celibate space priests and their holier-than-thou attitude.
Adventure. Heh! Excitement. Heh! A Jedi craves not these things.
I want a safe and secure galaxy as much as the next scoundrel,
but not if it means a bunch of emotionless wizards are gonna boss me around.
He can go about his business.
You can go about your business!
Move along.
Move along!
They’re extremely powerful warriors, but they’re by no means immortal.
That’s why today, I’m gonna teach you how to truly bring balance to the Force,
with our guide on
How to Kill Jedi
In the last days of the Old Republic, you couldn’t spit without hitting a Jedi.
They were all over the damn place,
with temples and training grounds across the galaxy churning them out by the boatload.
My boy Palpatine took care of that right quick, but we’ll get to that later.
Because as badass as the Jedi are, they can still be
Out-Sabred
From day one, Jedi are trained in the art of lightsaber combat.
Hello, master Obi-Wan!
Almost as soon as infant children are taken from their families and indoctrinated into the cult,
the Jedi stick an extremely dangerous laser sword in their little hands and let them go nuts.
So you’d think they’d be a little more proficient when Force push comes to Force shove.
I’m really impressed with all the flips and twirls, guys,
but maybe you should incorporate a little more defense into one of those seven combat forms.
You underestimate my power!
AUUUGHHH!
A so-called “master” like Qui-Gon Jinn can’t hack it when it’s not a handicap match,
Noo!!!
and even when it’s four-on-one, a gross old man like Sidious slices up Kit Fisto and his friends like they’re calamari.
The food, not the aliens.
Speaking of aliens, Darth Maul’s Nightbrother tribe is especially skilled at Jedi murder.
They don’t even need lightsabers half the time.
Maul’s brother can kill a Jedi with his magic spear,
Noo!!!
end a little Padawan’s life by flinging him into a wall,
and impale another with a huge headbutt through the chest.
Human Sith apprentices are pretty handy, too.
Darth Vader gets the drop on some fairly impressive Jedi during the Purge,
not to mention dozens of innocent Younglings.
Being a Jedi is a pretty rough profession,
which is why they’re at such a high risk of
Jedi Suicide
Okay, so it’s more a case of letting yourself die,
but there’s no easy way to categorize Obi Wan’s death in ‘A New Hope.’
During their Death Star showdown, he and Vader seem pretty evenly matched.
Ben might be an old man,
but Vader is just a few hunks of meat in a rusty old robot suit.
There’s no clear winner, but when Obi-Wan sees Luke and his friends about to escape,
he smiles, closes his eyes, says a prayer,
and allows Vader to slice him in half.
I’m not really sure why it was necessary for Ben to give up.
I know he wanted to buy time for the good guys to leave,
but that door is closing in like, three seconds.
Why not just keep fighting and spare Luke the trauma of seeing his mentor slaughtered in front of him?
Noooooo!!!
Yeah, I know. There’s no body, he becomes one with the Force and comes back to browbeat Luke for like, two more movies.
God, these Jedi can’t even die right.
What’s their secret?
Maybe you can find out with some
Shock Therapy
and if not, at least it might get a Jedi or two out of your hair for good.
Just ask Cad Bane, the greatest bounty hunter in the galaxy,
at least, after the death of Jango Fett.
Bane specialized in killing Jedi with his dual-wielded blaster pistols,
but he preferred to operate behind the scenes.
Like the time he murdered an old Jedi master and hired a shapeshifter to take his place and infiltrate the Coruscant temple.
Or when he captured and tortured another for info on the Kyber memory crystal.
The battle droids warned him about turning up the juice,
but you think the man in the hat is gonna listen to some dumb robots?
Uhh, no sir.
Then step back and shut up.
Electricity definitely seems to be a weak point for the Jedi Order.
That force lightning really did a number on Luke,
Father! Auughhh!
and who can forget Mace Windu’s epic demise?
It was bad enough when Sidious murdered all his friends and badgered Anakin into slicing Windu’s hand off,
but it took a full blast of evil Sith lightning and a thousand-foot fall
to kill the only Jedi righteous enough to wield a purple lightsaber.
It’s a shame Mace Windu didn’t make it through the prequels.
It would have been nice to see him grow old.
But not too old, because we all know that Jedi can die of
Natural Causes
Yoda is one tough little bastard.
He’s survived the Jedi purge,
One-on-one duels against Dooku
Fought well, you have.
and Palpatine,
and god knows how many wars.
But you can’t escape father time.
Nine-hundred years after he was born, the revered Jedi Master died of extremely old age.
So have patience, my young apprentice!
Let nature do your job for you.
Just remember:
Old Jedi never die, they just fade away.
If you’re the more proactive kind of Sith Lord,
and you want to know the absolute most effective way to slaughter Jedi,
it’s quite simple really.
Shoot Them in the Back
It’s not exactly honorable,
but if you cared about that you’d be growing a padawan rat-tail, right?
When Palpatine issued Order 66 and compelled his army of Clonetroopers to turn against the Jedi,
it took the entire galaxy by surprise, especially the Jedi Order.
Little did they know that the soulless clones who fought alongside them were equipped with inhibitor chips,
and once Sidious flipped that switch, the troopers immediately turned heel on their brothers in arms.
You know, for an all-knowing, all-powerful Force, you’d think it could have warned them about this huge betrayal.
Or at least gave them the power to like, jump to safety.
Shouldn’t that be part of the standard Jedi curriculum?
Instead, we’ve got hardened warriors standing there like deer in the headlights as the clones blast them to smithereens.
The Jedi in vehicles don’t fare too much better,
but we can’t credit the whole thing to Palpatine’s tactical brilliance.
Let the hate flow through you!
Plenty of Jedi have fallen to nothing more than blaster bolts.
Just look at the Battle of Geonosis in ‘Attack of the Clones.’
I’m seeing a lot of bodies on that arena floor, and Jango Fett couldn’t possibly have killed them all.
That means freaking battle droids are dropping Jedi left and right.
Y’know, those terrifying war machines that Jar Jar Binks obliterated with farting and clumsiness?
Yeah, I know. They’re utterly useless.
Obi-Wan and Anakin don’t even have to look at them to tear them apart with the force,
but somehow they were able to decimate a platoon of 200 Jedi warriors.
I mean, it’s already embarrassing that your entire religion was wiped out by Clonetroopers,
but at least those guys are carbon copies of a dope Kiwi bounty hunter.
The Jedi who fell at Geonosis have no excuse.
It just goes to show you,
blasters might be random and clumsy,
but if a shot gets through, you’re toast.
So uncivilized.
For all their hype as skilled warriors and galactic peacekeepers,
these Jedi can be downright fragile.
Just look at how many lightsabers General Grievous has in his collection,
and he’s basically just a coughing set of lungs inside a blender.
But if he can rack up Jedi kills, so can you.
Just give in to your anger,
Embrace the dark side,
Find ‘The Last Jedi,’
And show them no mercy.