- I'm happy to see that you're here,
and if you want to see more of me,
I'm on two shows today.
I'm doing my show now,
and then later tonight I'm gonna be on Jimmy Fallon,
on "The Tonight Show," so...
[cheers and applause]
It'll be fun.
'Cause Jimmy was on my show last week,
so I'm doing his show this week,
which is how the industry works in this town.
You know, you give and then take,
and then I--you scratch my back, and I scratch yours,
and you tie me up and I tickle you with a feather.
[laughter]
I'm thinking of "50 Shades of Grey," I'm sorry.
I just...took a turn.
Jimmy wanted to have me on his show,
and I lied. I had, "Oh, I have plenty
to talk about, Jimmy. That's great."
It's not true. I have nothing to talk about
'cause I come out here, I talk to you every day,
and I tell you everything.
This is--this is my platform.
I tell you about my life.
I tell you what I did the night before,
and then I go home and I do things,
and then I come in the next day and I tell you what I done did.
And...then all my stories are saved for you.
So...when I have another show,
it's hard, you know,
to make stuff up.
You know? So...
To come up with-- so, you know what?
I wanted to have stories to tell Jimmy, so over the weekend,
I picked up some hobbies.
And...
I'm sorry, did I say "hobbies?"
Hobos. I picked up some hobos.
That's what I meant to say. Hobos.
And I have a lot of stories, but I can't tell them on TV.
But...I did learn how to open a can of beans with my teeth.
So that is good.
They can be helpful in that way, the hobos.
It's nice if you can talk about something funny
that happened at the grocery store, too.
But I haven't been to a grocery store since 1998.
So...
Are you still not allowed to squeeze the Charmin?
I saw the commercials, so...
Most people go on a show and they promote a show
that they're on or a movie, and I don't need to do that
'cause we're just doing fine the way we're going on the show.
So, I don't need to promote that, thank you very much.
[cheers and applause]
I...
So, I don't have anything to promote.
I don't have a clip or anything.
But then I thought, well, I could show, like, how much fun
we have on this show. I could show a clip,
for instance, of this lady before the show.
[dance music playing]
[cheers and applause]
[laughter]
[cheers and applause]
I love how timid you are right now and shy.
Everybody seems shy until you get out here,
and then it's on. It's like...
- I didn't think it would actually show.
- What's that?
- I didn't think anyone would actually see it.
[laughter]
- Oh, I'm watching backstage the whole time.
I don't even want to start the show sometimes,
I'm so entertained. I was watching tWitch out here
doing the Hustle with somebody. It was wonderful.
So here's what I think. I'm gonna--
I'll have things to talk about, but at least--
Jimmy has a great band. He has The Roots,
so one thing I know I'm gonna do on that show is dance,
for sure.