WELCOME TO THE LATE SHOW, I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
WE ARE ON, WHAT DAY, WHAT DAY IS THIS?
WHAT DAY IS THE SHUTDOWN IS IT?
19?
IT'S 19-- DAY 19 OF THE GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN WHICH MEANS
IT IS NOW OFFICIALLY LASTED LONGER THAN MY NEW YEAR'S
RESOLUTION.
I GOT WINDED AND GAVE UP HALFWAY THROUGH THE PLANET FITNESS
APPLICATION.
LAST NIGHT DONALD TRUMP JUMPED THE BORDER OF AMERICA'S PRIME
TIME LINE-UP TO MAKE HIS DEMANDS.
>> AND I WILL SAY HE SEEMED LESS THAN SPIRITED THAN USUAL.
>> MY FELLOW AMERICANS, TONIGHT I AM SPEAKING TO YOU BECAUSE
THERE IS A GROWING HUMANITARIAN AND SECURITY CRISIS AT OUR
SOUTHERN BORDER.
(LAUGHTER).
>> Stephen: SORRY, THE NATIONAL CRISIS PUT ME TO SLEEP,
I DON'T-- WHY WAS HE SO CALM IF THERE IS A CRISIS.
JIM, CAN WE ZOOM IN ON HIM.
YEAH, TRANQ DART RIGHT IN THE NECK.
(LAUGHTER) AFTER DISCUSSING VARIOUS BORDER
SECURITY ISSUES TRUMP FINALLY LANDED ON THE REASON HE SHUT
DOWN THE GOVERNMENT IN THE FIRST PLACE, THE WALL, WHICH IT TURNS
OUT WASN'T REALLY EVEN HIS IDEA.
>> FINALLY, AS PART OF AN OVERALL APPROACH TO BORDER
SECURITY LAW ENFORCEMENT PROFESSIONALSALS HAVE REQUESTED
BILLION DOLLARS FOR A PHYSICAL BARRIER.
>> OH LAW ENFORCEMENT REQUESTED IT, OH, A WALL?
I NEVER REALLY THOUGHT ABOUT THE THING I HAVE BEEN CHANTING FOR
THREE YEARS.
AM I PRONOUNCING THAT CORRECTLY WAAALL?
HE WASN'T DONE SAYING HIS IDEAS WEREN'T HIS IDEAS.
>> AT THE REQUEST OF DEMOCRATS IT WILL BE A STEEL BARRIER
RATHER THAN A CONCRETE WALL.
>> Stephen: MR. PRESIDENT, STEEL SLATS ARE NOT THE METAL
BARS WE WANT YOU BEHIND.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) IS THERE A STORM COMING?
TRUMP HAS GOT A LOT OF HEAT BECAUSE HE SAID MEXICO WHAT PAY
FOR THE WALL AND, BUT LAST NIGHT HE FOUND ANOTHER WAY TO PAY FOR
IT.
>> THE BORDER WALL WOULD VERY QUICKLY PAY FOR ITSELF.
THE COST OF THE ILLEGAL DRUGS EXCEEDS $500 BILLION A YEAR.
VASTLY MORE THAN THE $5.7 BILLION MORE THAN WE HAVE
REQUESTED FROM CONGRESS.
>> Stephen: I'M PRETTY SURE HE JUST SUKED SELLING DRUGS TO PAY
FOR THE WALL.
SO LAW ENFORCEMENT, KEEP AN EYE OUT FOR THIS GUY.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE).
>> Jon: GIVE ME THE LOOP.
>> Stephen: I AM THE ONE WHO KNOCKS, UNLESS I'M BACKSTAGE AT
THE MISS UNIVERSAL PAJ ENT, THEN I JUST WALK IN UNEXPECTEDLY.
BUT-- HE DID THAT.
BUT THEN, THEN HE SNUCK THIS IN.
>> THE WALL WILL ALSO BE PAID FOR INDIRECTLY BY THE GREAT NEW
TRADE DEAL WE HAVE MADE WITH MEXICO.
>> Stephen: OH YEAH, TRADITIONALLY TRADE DEALS PAY
FOR OUR INFRASTRUCTURE.
NIXON OPENED UP THE TRADE WITH CHINA AND IN RETURN MAO ZEDONG
FIXED A POTHOLE.
SO IN THE END TRUMP BIG NETWORK-INTUPTING OVAL OFFICE
LIARSIDE CHAT WAS HIS OLD IMMIGRATION TALKING POINTS WITH
NOTHING NEW.
SPEAKING OF NOTHING NEW, THE DEMOCRATIC RESPONSE.
FOLLOWING THIS HISTORIC MID TERMS DEMOCRATS SENT OUT SOME
EXCITING, FRESH YOUNG FACES, CONGRESSIONAL DEMOCRATIC LEADERS
AND DIRECT TO DVDADDAMS FAMILY CHUCK SCHUMER AND NANCY PELOSI,
AFTER TRUMP'S LOWER ENERGY PERFORMANCE, THIS WAS THEIR
CHANCE TO FIRE UP THE OPPOSITION, SO JUICE IT!
>> GOOD EVENING.
I APPRECIATE THE OPPORTUNITY TO SPEAK DIRECTLY TO THE AMERICAN
PEOPLE TONIGHT.
>> Stephen: LOOKS LIKE AMERICA IS ABOUT TO GET THE SEX TALK.
WE GET T WE'RE 143 WE HAVE-- THEY HAD TWO STRONG
MESSAGES, OKAY.
THEY'RE NOT PAYING FOR THE WALL, ALSO WE'RE NOT PAYING FOR MORE
THAN ONE PODIUM.
SO THE NIGHT WAS A UNIVERSALLAL SNOOZE FEST BUT PRESIDENT
TRUMP'S ADDRESS DID GET REEF REVIEWS FROM-- RAVE REVAWS FROM
ONE GROUP, HIS HANLTD HANDLERS, APPARENTLY IN THE WHITE HOUSE
THEY WERE THRILLED THAT HE WAS CALM AND CONTROLLED IN THE
DELIVERY WITHOUT ANY PROMPTER STUMBLES.
ALL IT TAKES TO BE PRESIDENTIAL IS ACCURATELY READ A PROMPTER?
BIG DEAL.
DO I THAT FIVE NORTS A WOOK.
WHY AREN'T I PREGADENT.
ONE POSSIBLE, ONE POSSIBLE REASON TREMP SEEMED LIKE HE
DIDN'T WANT TO BE THERE IS BECAUSE HE DIDN'T WANT TO BE
THERE.
REPORTS SAY HE WAS NOT INCLINED TO GIVE THE SPEECH, WAS TACKED
INTO IT BY ADVISORS SAYING IT'S NOT GOING TO CHANGE A DAMN THING
BUT I'M STILL DOING IT.
WHICH WOULD ALSO BE A VERY HONEST PITCH FOR THE WALL.
BUT IF TRURP, IF TRUMP-- YEAH, YEAH, SURE.
BUT IF TRUMP SEEMED A LITTLE TOO ON SCRIPT LAST NIGHT, DON'T YOU
WORRY BECAUSE TODAY HE UNLEASHED THE FULL DIRECTOR'S CUT AT AN
IMPROMPTU YELL AT THE PRESS EVENT.
AND HE MADE IT CLEAR HOW HE FELT ABOUT THIS GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN.
>> THIS IS NOT A FIGHT I WANTED.
I DIDN'T WANT THIS FIGHT.
>> Stephen: YOU DIDN'T WANT THIS?
WHO IS THIS GUY?
>> I AM PROUD TO SHUT DOWN THE GOVERNMENT FOR BORDER SECURITY.
>> I WILL BE THE ONE TO SHUT IT DOWN.
I'M NOT GOING TO BLAME YOU FOR IT.
I WILL TAKE THE MANTEL.
I WILL BE THE ONE TO SHUT IT DOWN.
>> Stephen: MR. PRESIDENT, THAT GUY IS MAKING YOU LOOK
TERRIBLE.
I DOP KNOW WHO SHALL-- YOU GOT TO GET HIM OUT OF THE WHITE
HOUSE RIGHT AWAY.
TRUMP CONTINUED TO ARGUE HIS PRO-WALL STANCE.
>> THEY SAY IT IS A MEDIEVAL SOLUTION, A WALL, IT'S TRUE T IS
MEDIEVAL BECAUSE IT WORKED THEN AND IT WORKS EVEN BETTER NOW.
>> Stephen: YOU REALLY CANNOT GO WRONG WITH MEDIEVAL
TECHNOLOGY.
>> THE WALLS ARE MADE OF STEEL SLATS WHICH TOP ALCHEMISTS HAVE
ASSURED ME REQUEST CAN BE TURNED THAT PURE GOLD, PAYS FOR ITSELF.
NOW IF YOU WILL EXCUSE ME, I HAVE A LEECHES APPOINTMENT.
AND EVEN THOUGH THE PRESIDENT DIDN'T DECLARE A NATIONAL
EMERGENCY LAST NIGHT, HE IS KEEPING IT ON THE TABLE.
>> I HAVE THE ABSOLUTE RIGHT TO DO NATIONAL EMERGENCY IF I WANT.
>> Stephen: NOT ONLY CAN I DO NATIONAL EMERGENCY, MANY SAY I
AM NATIONAL EMERGENCY.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) AND HE GAVE A NEW REASON WHY
AMERICA NEEDS THE WALL, BECAUSE IMMIGRANTS HAVE DEADLY
SUPERCARS.
>> THE FACT IS THAT WE DON'T HAVE BARRIERS, WALLS, CALL THEM
WHAT YOU WANT, BUT WE DON'T HAVE VERY STRONG BARRIERS WHERE
PEOPLE CANNOT, ANY LONGER, DRIVE RIGHT ACROSS IT.
UNBELIEVABLE VEHICLES, THEY MAKE A LOT OF MONEY.
THEY HAVE THE BEST VEHICLES YOU CAN BUY.
THEY HAVE STRONGER, BIGGER AND FASTER VEHICLES THAN OUR POLICE
HAVE AND THAT ICE HAS AND THAN BORDER PATROLS HAVE.
>> Stephen: I'M TELLING YOU THESE IMMIGRANTS HAVE
UNBELIEVABLE VEHICLES.
SOME OF THESE CARS ARE SO BIG, SO LONG, THEY HAVE WINGS ON THE
SIDE AND THEY CARRY HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE AND THEY GIVE OUT LITTLE
BAGS OF HONEY ROASTED PEANUTS AND FREE COKE.
FLY RIGHT HOAFER.
BUT STILL, TRUMP MADE IT CLEAR THAT HE IS OPEN TO SUGGESTIONS
FROM ANYONE WITHIN EARSHOT.
>> SO WHY NOT SIGN THE OTHER BILLS, SOME OF THESE WORKERS CAN
GET PAID.
>> YOU THINK I SHOULD DO THAT.
>> DO YOU THINK I SHOULD DO THAT.
>> IT'S NOT FOR ME TO SAY.
>> I WATCH YOUR ONE-SIDED REPORTED, DO YOU THINK I SHOULD
DO THAT SERIOUSLY, JOHN, DO I THINK I SHOULD JUST SIGN.
>> DOT ARGUE.
>> TELL ME, TELL ME.
>> NOTHING TO DO WITH BORDER SECURITY.
>> DO YOU THINK I SHOULD SIGN.
>> I'M SAYING IF YOU SIGN THAT THE WORKERS CAN START GETTING
PAID.
>> SO YOU WOULD DO THAT IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION.
>> I'M IN THE WHY YOUR POSITION, I'M ASKING YOU.
>> I'M ASKING YOU, WOULD YOU DO THAT IF WERE YOU IN MY POSITION
SWRZ JOHN, I'M ASKING YOU WOULD YOU DO THAT IN MY POSITION, AND
QUICK FOLLOWUP, DO YOU WANT MY POSITION BECAUSE AT THIS POINT
I'M JUST SCARED AND HUNGARY ALL THE TIME.