okay everybody I'm your sub for today's
class I never thought I'd be using my
masters in organic chemistry to teach
the periodic table to a bunch of dead
eyed teenagers but such as life Here I
am now get out your textbook welcome to
Spanish class apparently I don't know
when he Spanish just being real with you
here but I did have to hitchhike home
once after waking up in Tijuana so we
should be good we have come to the
portion of the class where I will take
roll call this should take no more than
90 seconds when you hear your name
called reply with present nothing else
no funny business
thank you hey Ron alright so your
teacher mrs. what's-her-name left some
worksheets for you to do but they are
quite boring so instead I found a really
cool experiment on YouTube that we're
gonna try involving hairspray and a
lighter
let's do this thing hey whoa whoa whoa
do you usually get away with that
behavior and mrs. what's-her-name's
class well I don't care she's not the
teacher today I am all me all day all
right you got that you want to try
anything else is this a game with you
let's try to get the sub fired top is
that what you're doing I don't care I'll
take you down with me all right guys
let's fire up some Hamlet because
English class is lit ha ha you know what
I'm saying do you get the joke lit like
literature but it's also a cool word
that the kids say there is so much
untapped potential in this room right
now imagine what you all could
accomplish if you just put your mind to
it if you set some goals
if you thought critically if you engaged
in collaborative learning if you just
put away your phones for five minutes
here's our next word problem everybody
Susie goes to the supermarket to buy
bananas there are six bananas in each
bunch if Susie eats 32 bananas a day I'm
sorry
why is she eating 32 bananas a day what
is wrong with her I'm sorry to hear that
that you got dumped right before prom
that really sucks but look you're gonna
make it through
I believe in you okay you got this all
right all right I hope everyone else's
weekend was good let's start by looking
at the homework Timmy look I appreciate
your opinion that Charles Dickens is
lame a word garbage trash but look the
Western canon of literature disagrees
who are we to say that we know better
than they do
so let's shut your mouth and read the
book oh yeah I can't keep this up all
class period Jimmy are you passing notes
in class no note passing give me that
let's see what Jimmy had to say huh this
sub is lame well at least I don't have a
donkey face Jimmy
all right everyone I feel uncomfortable
grading that pop quiz that you just took
even though it's multiple choice Who am
I to say what is right and what is wrong
so instead of an arbitrary numerical
score I'm gonna come around and give
each of you a sticker which represents
how I feel about your work oh that this
too too sullied flesh would melt thaw
and resolve itself into a dew or that
the everlasting had not fixed his Canon
gainst self-slaughter Oh God God that is
how I feel right now in this classroom
Oh
Timmy let me answer you candidly the
lesson we're gonna learn today
trigonometry is never gonna come up
again in your real life but you need to
pass this class so that you can
eventually pass high school so that you
can go to college and take on massive
amounts of debt and then graduate from
college and get a degree that is more or
less worthless and that you'll never
actually use again but you need that
degree to get a job because you need a
job to make money because you need money
to be a person and to live in today's
society so Timmy if you want to live you
need to learn trigonometry okay so the
Stamp Act was passed by British
Parliament in march of 1765 and this is
so boring please follow me we are going
to sneak outside and play some
kickball I don't know when he's Spanish
except for Allah and carnitas excuse me
excuse me excuse me excuse me excuse me
[Music]