WELCOME ONE AND ALL, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IN HERE, OUT THERE,
ALL AROUND THE WORLD TO "THE LATE SHOW," I'M YOUR HOST
STEPHEN TEACH, AND IT IS -- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
-- AN HISTORIC DAY IN AN-MERICA BECAUSE
TODAY, THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES FORMALLY SENT
ARTICLES OF IMPEACHMENT TO THE SENATE TO BEGIN THE TRIAL OF
DONALD J. TRUMP.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I'VE GOT ALL THE DETAILS FOR YOU
IN TONIGHT'S "DON AND THE GIANT IMPEACH."xD
>> THEY GOT ME, THEY GOT ME!
( LAUGHTER ) I LIKE THAT LITTLE GUY.
THIS EVENING, NANCY PELOSI OFFICIALLY SIGNED THE ARTICLES
OF IMPEACHMENT.
AND SHE CELEBRATED BY SIGNING WITH PEN AFTER PEN AFTER PEN
AFTER PEN.
OKAY, THAT ONE RAN OUT OF INK.
THAT ONE, TOO?
OKAY, LET'S TRY THE NEXT ONE.
GOOD THING SHE PLANNED AHEAD.
SO IMPORTANT.
ONCE THE ARTICLES WERE SIGNED, THE HOUSE'S IMPEACHMENT MANAGERS
HAD TO PERFORM THEIR FIRST OFFICIAL DUTY, A CEREMONIAL
HANDOFF BETWEEN CHAMBERS, ASt( HOUSE IMPEACHMENT MANAGERS
PHYSICALLY CARRY THE ARTICLES ACROSS THE ROTUNDA IN A
HIGH-PROFILE PROCESSION.
YES.
THEY MUST INITIATE...
THE TRANSFER OF THE ARTICLES.
(OMINOUS MUSIC) FIRST, EACH MEMBER OF CONGRESS
STEPS FORWARD TO SEAL THE TEXT WITH A SINGLE DROP OF BLOOD.
THEN, THE SACRED RUNES ARE DRAWN FROM BENEATH JERROLD NADLER'S
JOWLS, AND LO, A SNOW-WHITE RAM IS BROUGHT FORTH TO PLUCK THE
MAIDENHEAD OF ADAM SCHIFF.
THEN, THEY WAIT A WHILE FOR THE ELEVATOR.
LOT OF FOOT TRAFFIC THAT TIME OF DAY.
FINALLY, UNTO THE SENATE CHAMBER THE SACRED ARTICLES ARE
DELIVERED.q BUT ONLY ONCE THE CHOSEN SEVENñr
PRE-EUCLIDIAN DEMONIC AVATAR: MC-CTHULU!Ñi
OH, HELLO.e ( SPEAKING IN TONGUES )
OH, HELLO.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I WAS SWEPT UP.
I WAS IN A TRANCE.
I WAS IN A TRANCE, Y'ALL.
ACTUALLY, HERE'S WHAT IT REALLY LOOKED LIKE.
THEY WALKED IT ACROSS TO THE SENATE.
AFTER THE HISTORIC MARCH, THE HOUSE CLERK ANNOUNCED THEY WERE
READY TO PRESENT THE ARTICLES TOMORROW, FORCING MITCH
MCCONNELL TO READ THIS UNCOMFORTABLE PHRASE:
>> ARTICLES OF IMPEACHMENT AGAINST DONALD JOHN TRUMP.
>> Stephen: OOOOOH!
DADDY LIKE!
( LAUGHTER ) BUT YOU READ IT TOO FAST.
SAY IT AGAIN, ONLY SLOWER.
>> ARTICLES OF IMPEACHMENT AGAINST DONALD JOHN TRUMP.
THE IMPEACHMENT OF DONALD...
JOHN TRUMP.
ARTICLES OF IMPEACHMENT AGAINST DONALD... JOHN... TRUMP.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: OOOH, YEAH...
THEY GOT IT UP THERE.
SO THAT'S IT.
THE DIE IS CAST.
RUBICON CROSSED.
TOOTHPASTE, DE-TUBED.
IMPEACHMENT HAS MOVED TO THE SENATE.
BUT TRUMP IS STILL HOPING TO AVOID A TRIAL.
HE WANTS A VOTE TO DISMISS THE CHARGES IMMEDIATELY, CITING HIS
FAVORITE SOURCE, "MANY."
"MANY BELIEVE THAT BY THE SENATE GIVING CREDENCE TO A TRIAL BASED
ON THE NO EVIDENCE, NO CRIME, READ THE TRANSCRIPTS, "NO
PRESSURE" IMPEACHMENT HOAX, RATHER THAN AN OUTRIGHT
DISMISSAL, IT GIVES THE PARTISAN DEMOCRAT WITCH HUNT CREDIBILITY
THAT IT OTHERWISE DOES NOT HAVE.
I AGREE!" ( LAUGHTER )
(AS TRUMP) "GREAT ANALYSIS, FICTIONAL
PEOPLE I MADE UP FOR THIS TWEET.
THANKS, MR. PRESIDENT.
YOU'RE VERY HANDSOME.
REALLY?
LIKE HANDSOME HANDSOME OR EXY HANDSOME?
WE SHOULD KISS.
WHAT, NOW?
IN FRONT OF ALL THESE FICTIONAL PEOPLE?
YOU BET YOUR SWEET LIL' TUSH."
(KISSING) WOW, YOU'RE A REALLY GOOD
KISSER.
LET'S DO THAT AGAIN.
( KISSING ) MONEY'S ON THE DRESSER.
>> Jon: WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!
>> Stephen: IT'S ALL IN THE FAMILY.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT, TURNS OUT, MCCONNELL
DOESN'T HAVE ENOUGH VOTES TO DISMISS, SO THE TRIAL IS ON LIKE
JOHNSON, NIXON, CLINTON.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: HE GOT BALLS.
ONE PERSON THAT THE SENATE MIGHT WANT TO HEAR FROM IS RUDY
GIULIANI ASSOCIATE AND THE INSPIRATION BEHIND THE BELOVED
SOVIET TOY, COMRADE TURNIP-FACE, LEV PARNAS.
YESTERDAY, THE HOUSE INTELLIGENCE COMMITTEE RELEASED
MATERIALS THAT THEY GOT FROM PARNAS THAT HAVE BEEN DESCRIBED
AS "A TROVE OF RIDICULOUSLY INCRIMINATING IMPEACHMENT
EVIDENCE."
THAT'S PRETTY BAD.
BECAUSE WHEN IT COMES TO TRUMP CRIME, THE SCALE GOES:
INCRIMINATING.
VERY INCRIMINATING.
RIDICULOUSLY INCRIMINATING, AND RUDY ON MERLOT.
YEAH.
DI-DI-DI-DI-DI.
DI-DI-DI-DI, YEAH.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
THE MOST DAMNING EVIDENCE IS A SERIES OF HANDWRITTEN NOTES BY
PARNAS ON STATIONERY FROM THE RITZ-CARLTON HOTEL IN VIENNA
THAT SAID THINGS LIKE, "GET ZELENSKY TO ANNOUNCE THAT THE
BIDEN CASE WILL BE INVESTIGATED."
YOU DON'T WRITE THE CRIME DOWN, YOU DUMMY!
( LAUGHTER ) IT DIDN'T HELP THAT THE NEXT
NOTE WAS "LEAVE PAPER TRAIL OF IMPEACHABLE OFFENSES," AND
"STEAL RITZ-CARLTON STATIONERY."
( LAUGHTER ) ANOTHER ACTUAL NOTE IS A CRIME
TO-DO LIST: ONE-- PUT TOGETHER PACKAGE.
TWO-- GO TO D.C. WITH PACKAGE.
( LAUGHTER ) ANOTHER TWO-- DO MY "MAGIC" AND
CUT "DEAL."
HOLD ON.
HE CALLS COMMITTING CRIMES "DOING MY MAGIC?"
"BELIEVE ME, WHEN I DO MY MAGIC, PEOPLE DISAPPEAR.
ABRA-CADAVER!
TA-DEAD!" IN THE FINAL NOTE, IN BIG, BOLD
LETTERS AT THE BOTTOM OF THE PAGE, PARNAS WRITES WHAT IS
PERHAPS THE MOST INCRIMINATING WORD OF ALL:
"RUDY."
( LAUGHTER ) YOU HAVE TO WRITE IT DOWN
BECAUSE IF YOU SAY HIS NAME THREE TIMES, HE APPEARS ON FOX
NEWS AND INCRIMINATES YOU IN A CRIME.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THERE ARE ALSO TEXTS, LIKE THIS ONE IN WHICH PARNAS COMPLAINS
THAT A CORRUPT UKRAINIAN OFFICIAL'S VISA TO VISIT THE
U.S. WAS DENIED, AND GIULIANI RESPONDS, I CAN REVIVE IT.
( LAUGHTER ) I BELIEVE RUDY CAN BRING THINGS
BACK FROM THE DEAD.
HE ALWAYS LOOKS LIKE HE'S SCREAMING, "IT'S ALIVE!"
( LAUGHTER ) GIULIANI SAID HE TOOK IT ALL THE
WAY TO THE TOP, TEXTING, "IT'S GOING TO WORK.
I HAVE NUMBER ONE ON IT."
BY NUMBER ONE, I ASSUME HE MEANS PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP, WHO IS
IN SOME DEEP NUMBER TWO.
( LAUGHTER ) BECAUSE THE MATERIALS ALSO
INCLUDE A LETTER FROM GIULIANI TO UKRANIAN PRESIDENT ZELENSKY
REQUESTING A MEETING IN HIS CAPACITY AS PERSONAL COUNSEL TO
PRESIDENT TRUMP, AND WITH TRUMP'S KNOWLEDGE AND CONSENT.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) YES, TWO WORDS NOT GENERALLY
ASSOCIATED WITH PRESIDENT TRUMP: KNOWLEDGE AND CONSENT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
THERE YOU GO.
>> Jon: WHOA, TWO.
NUMBER TWO.
YEAH.
>> Stephen: SO TRUMP KNEW AND APPROVED OF WHAT GIULIANI WAS
DOING.
PARNAS ALSO IMPLICATES A WHOLE HOST OF COLORFUL CORRUPTION-FUL
CRIMINALS.
LIKE FORMER UKRAINIAN TOP PROSECUTOR AND CHERNOBYL
CHARACTER WHO'S ABOUT TO LEAVE HIS FRIEND IN THE REACTOR
YURI LUTSENKO.
LUTSENKO WAS IN TOUCH WITH PARNAS BECAUSE HE WANTED TO GET
RID OF U.S. AMBASSADOR TO UKRAINE MARIE YOVANOVITCH,
BECAUSE SHE HAD BEEN CRITICAL OF HIS OFFICE.
IN EXCHANGE, HE WAS OFFERING PARNAS DAMAGING INFORMATION
RELATED TO FORMER VICE PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN.
HOW MUCH OF THE UKRAINIAN ECONOMY IS JUST BUYING AND SELL
DIRT ON JOE BIDEN?
DOES THE KYIV AIRPORT STOCK IT AT THE DUTY-FREE?
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
OVER TEXT MESSAGES, LUTSENKO PRESSURED PARNAS TO GET RID OF
YOVANOVICH.
HE WROTE THAT HE HAD "TESTIMONY ABOUT TRANSFERS TO B"--
NOT SURE WHAT THAT MEANS.
MAYBE BURISMA, MAYBE BIDEN-- BUT LAMENTED THAT "HERE YOU
CAN'T EVEN GET RID OF ONE FEMALE FOOL"-- MEANING YOVANOVICH--
ADDING "FROWNY FACE EMOTICON."
IF THAT WASN'T CLEAR ENOUGH, HE ALSO SENT THIS ANIMOJI:
>> "DISPOSE OF THE WOMAN."
>> STEPHEN: CLEARLY, PARNAS HAD A JOB TO DO: GET RID OF MARIE
YOVANOVICH.
SO THIS GOON SUBCONTRACTED AN UNDER-GOON.
ENTER REPUBLICAN CONGRESSIONAL CANDIDATE AND TEN POUNDS OF MAN
IN A FIVE-POUND SUIT, ROBERT F.
HYDE.
EVIDENTLY, DR. JEKYLL WAS UNAVAILABLE.
TO GET HYDE RILED UP, PARNAS SENT HYDE TWEETS FROM
CONSERVATIVE MEDIA PERSONALITIES DISPARAGING YOVANOVITCH.
IN RESPONSE, HYDE TEXTED, "CAN'T BELIEVE TRUMO HASN'T FIRED THIS
BITCH.
I'LL GET RIGHT IN THAT."
OKAY, PLEASE, SPELL-CHECK YOUR HATEFUL, MISOGYNIST THREATS!
YOU SOUND DUMBER THAN TRUMO!
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
13 HOURS LATER, HYDE STARTED GIVING PARNAS UPDATES THAT MADE
IT SOUND LIKE HE HAD PEOPLE STALKING YOVANOVICH IN UKRAINE:
"SHE HAD VISITORS."
"IT'S CONFIRMED WE HAVE A PERSON INSIDE."
"SHE'S TALKED TO THREE PEOPLE.
HER PHONE IS OFF.
COMPUTER IS OFF."
IT'S THE POLITICAL SEQUEL TO "YOU"...
"EW."
( LAUGHTER ) THEN, THINGS GOT EVEN MORE
SINISTER.
HYDE TEXTED, "THE GUYS OVER THEY ASKED ME WHAT I WOULD LIKE THEM
TO DO AND WHAT'S IN IT FOR THEM."
"THEY ARE WILLING TO HELP IF WE/YOU WOULD LIKE A PRICE."
AND "GUESS YOU CAN DO ANYTHING IN THE UKRAINE WITH MONEY...
WHAT I WAS TOLD."
TO WHICH PARNAS REPLIED: L.O.L.
( LAUGHTER ) YES, L.O.L., WHICH I'M GUESSING
DID NOT STAND FOR "LET'S OBEY LAWS."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
SO IT LOOKS LIKE THIS GUY ROBERT HYDE WAS THREATENING A U.S.
AMBASSADOR TO PLEASE RUDY GIULIANI'S BUDDY LEV PARNAS.
BUT COME ON, THIS GUY WAS AN ASSOCIATE OF AN ASSOCIATE OF
A LAWYER REPRESENTING THE PRESIDENT.
THERE'S NO WAY TO TIE HIM DIRECTLY TO TRUMP.
OTHER THAN THIS PHOTO.
AND THIS PHOTO.
AND THIS FUN SELFIE.
AND HERE HE IS WITH DON JR., ERIC, MIKE PENCE, TRUMP ADVISER
ROGER STONE, AND ONE WITH HOUSE MINORITY LEADER KEVIN MCCARTHY,
AND, BECAUSE, HEY, WHY NOT?
HERE HE IS WITH THE MYPILLOW GUY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THERE YOU GO.
THERE HE IS.
( PIANO RIFF ) WHILE HE WAS BEING IMPEACHED,
TRUMP SIGNED A MILD REDUCTION IN HIS TRADE WAR WITH CHINA.
THE DEAL WAS A LITTLE THIN ON SPECIFICS, BUT TRUMP FILLED AN
HOUR, MOSTLY SHOUTING OUT PEOPLE IN THE AUDIENCE.
>> WHERE IS JARED?
WHERE IS JARED?
WHERE'S HANK?
HANK GREENBERG?
DAVID, WHERE ARE YOU, DAVID?
WHERE'S DAVID?
DAVID?
WHERE'S DAVID?
MIKE KELLY.
WHERE IS MIKE?
WHERE IS KEVIN MCCARTHY?
WHERE'S JOHN?
WHERE'S CHUCK?
WHERE IS LARRY?
WHERE'S WILBUR?
WHERE'S JERRY?
WHERE'S TOM?
WHERE'S KEVIN?
WHERE IS MIKE ROUNDS?
WHERE'S NELSON?
NELSON IS AROUND HERE SOME PLACE.
WHERE ARE YOU, KEN?
WHERE THE HELL IS HE?
WHERE THE HELL IS KEN?
BY THE WAY, DO I SEE JOHN THUNE IN THIS AUDIENCE?
>> STEPHEN: (AS TRUMP) "WALDO?
WHERE'S WALDO?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WHERE IS -- WHERE IS -- WHERE IS
( APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
MARCO?
NO?
POLO?
MARCO?
POLO?
WHERE IN THE WORLD IS CARMEN SANDIEGO?
WHERE IS BUELLER?
BUELLER?" LAUGH
HE KEPT GOING, NAMING EVERYBODY IN THE ROOM.
IT WAS ALMOST LIKE THERE WERE IMPEACHMENT STUFF HAPPENING AT
THE SAME TIME THAT HE WAS TRYING TO DISTRACT FROM...
WHICH IS SOMETHING TRUMP SEEMED TO REMEMBER WHEN HE POINTED OUT
A LAWYER IN THE CROWD.
>> STEPHEN VAUGHN, KING AND SPALDING.
STEPHEN, KING AND SPAULDING.
I COULD USE SOME GOOD LEGAL ADVICE.
DO YOU HAVE SOME GOOD LAWYERS OVER THERE?
I COULD USE SOME GOOD LAWYERS.
AW, THE HELL WITH IT.
I JUST HAVE TO SUFFER THROUGH IT THE WAY I HAVE ALL MY LIFE.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) >> STEPHEN: WAIT...
WHAT HAVE YOU SUFFERED THROUGH YOUR WHOLE LIFE?
(AS TRUMP) "POOR ME, I GOT SO MUCH MONEY
FROM MY FATHER THAT I CAN'T FIT IT ALL IN MY WALLET, WHICH MAKES
IT HARD TO TAKE OFF MY PANTS WHEN I'M CHEATING ON MY WIFE
WITH A PORN STAR.
OH, WELL, TO LIVE IS TO SUFFER... SO SAYS THE BUDDHA,
THAT FAT ( BLEEP )."
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT!
ANDREW YANG IS HERE.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE!"
WHY NOT?