UPDATE" WITH COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >>> HELLO.
GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE >> WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE.
I'M MICHAEL CHE. >> I'M COLIN JOST.
WELL, SAY WHAT YOU WILL ABOUT 2020, BUT IT'S GOT MOVES
[ LAUGHTER ] THIS NEWS WAS A LOT FOR US TO
PROCESS A DAY BEFORE WE CAME BACK ON THE AIR AFTER FOUR
MONTHS OFF AND IT ALL HAPPENED SO FAST,
I WOKE UP YESTERDAY AND HEARD THE PRESIDENT HAD MILD SYMPTOMS.
THEN FOUR HOURS LATER, HE WAS GETTING MEDEVACED TO A HOSPITAL
IN WHAT LOOKED LIKE THE LAST CHOPPER OUT OF VIETNAM
[ LAUGHTER ] I HAVE TO SAY, IT'S A BAD SIGN
FOR AMERICA THAT WHEN TRUMP SAID HE TESTED POSITIVE FOR A VIRUS
60% OF PEOPLE WERE LIKE, PROVE IT
[ LAUGHTER ] IT'S BEEN VERY WEIRD TO SEE ALL
THESE PEOPLE WHO CLEARLY HATE TRUMP COME OUT AND SAY WE WISH
HIM WELL I THINK A LOT OF THEM ARE JUST
GUILTY THAT THEIR FIRST WISH CAME TRUE.
[ LAUGHTER ] >>> YEAH, WELL, YOU KNOW,
POLITICS ASIDE, THIS IS AWFUL NEWS FOR US BECAUSE TRUMP WAS
ACTUALLY SUPPOSED TO HOST "SNL" NEXT WEEK.
[ LAUGHTER ] OKAY, SERIOUS VOICE.
WHILE IN THE HOSPITAL THE PRESIDENT ISN'T ALLOWED TO SEE
ANY GUESTS, BUT HE IS EXPECTED TO BE VISITED BY THREE GHOSTS.
[ LAUGHTER ] PROBABLY ONE FROM THE PAST, ONE
FROM HIS -- OKAY, LOOK, THIS IS WEIRD.
BECAUSE A LOT OF PEOPLE ON BOTH SIDES ARE SAYING THERE'S NOTHING
FUNNY ABOUT TRUMP BEING HOSPITALIZED WITH CORONAVIRUS.
EVEN THOUGH HE MOCKED THE SAFETY PRECAUTIONS FOR THE CORONAVIRUS.
AND THOSE PEOPLE ARE OBVIOUSLY WRONG.
THERE'S A LOT FUNNY ABOUT THIS MAYBE NOT FROM A MORAL
STANDPOINT BUT MATHEMATICALLY, IF YOU WERE
CONSTRUCTING A JOKE, THIS HAS ALL THE INGREDIENTS YOU NEED
[ LAUGHTER ] THE PROBLEM IS IT'S ALMOST TOO
FUNNY. LIKE IT'S SO ON THE NOSE
IT WOULD BE LIKE IF I WERE MAKING FUN OF PEOPLE WHO WEAR
BELTS AND THEN MY PANTS JUST IMMEDIATELY FELL DOWN
[ LAUGHTER ] >>> A NEW POLL SHOWS THAT 75% OF
LGBTQ VOTERS SUPPORT JOE BIDEN BUT 0% OF THEM SUPPORT JOE BIDEN
GUESSING WHAT THE B, T, AND Q STAND FOR.
[ LAUGHTER ] I HAVE TO SAY YOU KNOW WHO'S GOT
MY SUPPORT FOR PRESIDENT NBA COMMISSIONER ADAM SILVER
HE SOMEHOW BUILT A BUBBLE THAT IS BETTER THAN ANYTHING OUR
GOVERNMENT COULD COME UP WITH. INSTEAD OF STOPPING THE BUBBLE
WHEN THE SEASON ENDS, WHY DON'T THEY JUST SLOWLY EXPAND IT UNTIL
IT COVERS THE WHOLE COUNTRY? [ LAUGHTER ]
JUST SAYING. >>> BY THE WAY, IS ANYONE
SURPRISED BY THIS? I HONESTLY THOUGHT TRUMP WAS
TRYING TO GET CORONAVIRUS. I THOUGHT IT WAS LIKE "GROUNDHOG
DAY" WHEN BILL MURRAY JUST KNEW HE COULDN'T DIE.
AND HE WAS JUST TRYING ANYTHING. SO ALL THOSE MASKLESS RALLIES
TRUMP WAS HAVING, THAT WAS HIM BEING SAFE
LOOK, I DON'T WANT THE PRESIDENT TO DIE, OBVIOUSLY.
ACTUALLY, I WISH HIM A VERY LENGTHY RECOVERY
[ LAUGHTER ] [ APPLAUSE ]
>> I WILL SAY THAT DESPITE EVERYTHING PRESIDENT TRUMP
ACTUALLY SEEMS TO BE IN GOOD SPIRITS.
HE TWEETED A MESSAGE THAT ENDED WITH "LOVE" AND THREE
EXCLAMATION POINTS >> UH-OH
>> SO IT SOUNDS LIKE THEY'RE CUTTING HIS HYDROXYCHLOROQUINE
WITH A LITTLE BIT OF MOLLY [ LAUGHTER ]
AND THEN THIS IS GOOD. JUST HOURS AGO TRUMP RELEASED A
VIDEO FROM THE HOSPITAL SAYING HE'S IN BETTER HEALTH, WHICH IS
GREAT NEWS, THOUGH I WILL POINT OUT THAT IF THE SITUATION WERE
REVERSED AND IT WAS BIDEN WHO GOT SICK TRUMP WOULD 100% BE AT
A MASKLESS RALLY TONIGHT GETTING HUGE LAUGHS DOING AN IMPRESSION
OF BIDEN ON A VENTILATOR JUST SAYING.