Hey guys, Geoffrey here and welcome back to my channel. And in this video,
I'm gonna talk to you about the three common misconceptions that people have
about what it needs to be a masculine man and what it means to lead the
relationship with your masculinity and of all the videos I've made.
This is one of the ones that I'm most excited to show you,
because if I look at the causes for a lot of divorces and the causes of a lot of
why your relationship broke down and why maybe you're struggling to lead a
relationship to its healed state, this is usually it.
You have some of these misunderstandings of what masculinity means.
And once my clients understand the distinction here,
this is when everything changes for them.
So I want to change everything for you as well.
And in case you new to this channel,
my name is Geoffrey and I help men in long-term relationships or in marriages
with the right skills and knowledge to become an irreplaceable asset
irreplaceable person, masculine figure in their relationships.
If you want more content on this topic,
feel free to subscribe to this channel and also click that bell button as well,
to be notified when I post new videos every single week. And in the meantime,
before I begin this video also want to let you know that the free master class
on the five proven steps to rebuilding your relationship from the ground up is
still open. So if you want to join me in that masterclass,
or if you want to submit your application for the relationships revival program,
be sure to stick around to the very end this video for announcement on how you
can join both those things.
So before we get to the real meat of this video,
I want to align with you guys on some of the first principles around what
being masculine or masculinity actually means. A lot of people.
I think the first thing is people mistake masculinity as the manifestations of
it. For example, people talk about money.
People talk about power and the appearance of what it means to be masculine,
the traits of what it means to be masculine.
So let's talk about money and power for a bit money and power does not make you
masculine. Okay? It's the symbolism behind money and power,
which is that in order for you to get money and power in life,
you need to have embodied a lot of different masculine traits.
And so it's not about the money and power itself that attracts women and
attracts your partner that is attractive as a quality in itself,
but it's the masculinity that it symbolizes. It's beneath that.
And so if we understand this is we don't need to be rich and have a lot of money
and power to get the relationship of our dreams.
We need to understand how to actually showcase the symbol behind it,
which is that masculinity and people also mistake masculinity with the traits
like ambition or stoicism. And while yes,
this is partly what it means to be masculine. It's not a complete picture,
what it means to be masculine.
It's actually a very one-sided view and that's actually something much,
much deeper to what it means to be masculine and just these traits of what it
means to appear to be masculine.
And that root behind masculinity is really about creating safety for your
partner in all sense of that word in all levels. And you know,
in the modern world,
we're not talking too much about physical safety in the modern world.
That's not really an issue, physical safety. What we're really talking about.
And what's most important is really what we call emotional safety and even
things like sexual safety.
So if you think about traits like ambition traits like stoicism and all of these
things, the idea behind them is that you want to have them.
You want to be able to be ambitious.
You want to be able to be ambitious to get the money, the resources,
and you want to be stoic the stoic rock and an unmovable figure because you want
your partner to somewhere to lean on.
You want to provide your partner with that safety to Lena. That's the main idea.
So even when you talk about ambition, stoicism,
the roots behind it is still that safety. Now,
this is a very important distinction to make because we can see more evidence of
why safety is really the root. For example,
when people take being ambitious and being stoic too
far, for example, they become basically appearing to offer.
Look can actually destroy that safety. And when you destroy that safety,
when you become too stoic, when you become too ambitious,
it can quickly actually become a turnoff for a lot of women.
And if I look at a lot of the reasons why people divorce and break down in the
relationships, because they, most men do not know how to find this balance yet.
So to take masculine too far. And so again, here,
we know that ambition and stoicism itself,
it's not what it means to be masculine because you can actually get too
ambitious,
too stoic that you become actually less masculine and less
attractive to the opposite sex. Now, once we understand this root,
this first principle,
that masculinity is about your ability to create safety and the better you can
create safety, the better you are at being masculine.
We can start to understand some very important distinctions and address and
understand the deadly misconceptions people have about it.
So the first misconception that I think is really deadly,
and there's a lot of these,
but I'm going to adjust this to top three in this video.
The first misconception is when people lead with the perfect product,
not the perfect process. And here's what I mean most men,
because they are lost in the manifestations and the traits of
what it appears to be masculine.
They try to appear like the perfect product.
And so we had this idea as a society,
that being masculine is like being in this James Bond ESC role,
where you can do everything. You're all knowing. You're always capable.
You have always the solutions you are always right, and you have no flaws,
no mistakes.
And you are so perfect in every way that the person that you're with
the feminine figure that you're with just has no choice, but to go, oh,
you're still perfect in every way.
Let me just lean by your side and lean to you.
But this is not only unrealistic in real life, but it's actually,
if you think about it, this actually really destroys safety.
And you know this because you know,
people who try to focus on too much and being the perfect product,
they tend to get very defensive.
When people put another floss and they get very defensive because in their
internal state,
they think that they have to be perfect because once they're not perfect and
they can no longer become this James S character of being masculine because they
think that's what it means to be masculine. And so when you criticize them,
that's basically criticizing their identity, their identity,
what it means to be masculine. And they get defensive very fast. Now,
imagine if you're around someone like that, where you can see their flaws,
but this guy literally thinks they're perfect and you cannot even point out
their flaws.
You cannot even tell them to have flaws because they're going to get all
berzerko crazy. They're going to get very insecure, defensive, et cetera.
There's there are very few things that actually destroys safety,
then that then dealing with those kinds of people.
And if I look at a lot of the reasons why people get divorces,
especially in longer-term relationships in marriages, et cetera, this is it.
It's the catch 22 that people fall into the hopeless cashew attitude,
where they see issues in their partner and the relationship,
but they can't even address those issues.
They can't even talk about those issues because this other person thinks they're
too perfect and say that they're not perfect would destroy their sense of
identity. So the irony here is that you think by being as perfect product,
you are actually creating safety and you were actually being masculine.
But actually when you try too hard to become this perfect person,
it destroys safety. In fact,
nothing destroys safety more than being around a person like that.
So instead of trying to become the perfect product,
what I want you to focus on is really to have the perfect process.
And when someone is not trying to become the perfect product,
they're just focusing on becoming the perfect process.
It's much easier to feel safe with these people. Because again,
you can put other problems. They're not going to be defensive instead,
they're going to go, Hey, thanks for pointing out the problems that I have,
let me try and work on it. And things got better.
And so now whenever problems arise,
it's not this battle for your partner to be like, should I express it or not?
It's obvious I should express it because once I express it, things get better.
And you don't feel defensive whenever people point out your problems to you
because the pressure's off, like you never claim. You're a perfect person.
You never claim to be the perfect individual that you have floss.
But what you do have is the right trajectory,
the right direction to become closer to the perfect person.
And what's interesting too, is that when you do this, ironically, also,
you actually get closer to becoming the perfect product.
Then if you try to become the perfect product in the first place,
because when you try to become the perfect product,
nobody actually gives you feedback. You're not actually open to feedback.
And ironically, you're just saying that you're the perfect product,
but you're actually very far from it initially.
But if you would just try to become the perfect process and have the perfect
process to learn from your mistakes, for example,
then you actually learn faster and you actually get closer to the perfect
product. You become more capable.
You are able to solve problems better in this way as well.
The second misconception is that most men do not lead safety through what we
call balanced masculinity. And we talked about this in depth,
in another video already.
So I'm going to gloss over a lot of the important points in this video.
If you want to watch that video,
the in-depth video on what it means to have a balanced MNF scales, masculine,
feminine scales.
Then I want you to click the link above my head and also down below this video
as well, or the end screen at the end of this video as well. But most men,
if you look at most men,
they have really rejected the feminine sides in order to be trying to be too
masculine. They actually have rejected a lot of them feminine sides.
When you have rejected the feminine side like this,
you're naturally creating an environment where it's actually very difficult for
your partner, your feminine partner, to feel safe around you,
and you destroy the safety in various subconscious ways. So for example,
like the obvious ones is if you are too much in your masculine
side, whenever your partner let's say it takes too much time to put on makeup,
um, is talking too much expressing too much, especially expressing emotions,
too much, being too emotional, et cetera.
You're naturally going to scoff at that because you scoff whenever you're
trying to be too emotional, whenever you talk too much,
whenever you show all these feminine traits, you scoff at yourself.
And if you scoff at yourself,
you will naturally scoff at other people who are displaying similar traits that
you scoff at for yourself. And you want me thinking here, Hey, Jeff,
I think it's different for me.
The way I look at women and the way I look at other men,
whenever other men are being too feminine, I scoff at them,
but whenever women are feminine, I don't scoff at those.
Now you can think you're hiding this all you want, but at the end of the day,
let's use emotions of example. If you never,
if you scoff at your own emotionality and other men's emotionality,
it literally means that you're usually quite emotionally illiterate.
And when you're emotionally illiterate,
it will be very difficult for you to be connecting with your feminine partner on
that emotions,
no matter how hard you think and how well you think you're connecting with them
on the emotional level, there'll be very, very difficult for you to do so.
So this is not something that you can hide.
Some examples of this and how it manifests in relationships is you have
sometimes the overly logical and the overly stoic men who are becoming
robots.
Basically this can get very frustrating for women who are more emotional.
And when women try to explain the emotions to they're overly stoic and logical
men, they realize nothing good comes out of that. I don't feel understood.
So I'm not going to talk to this guy anymore.
I'm going to talk to my girlfriends.
I'm going to talk to some other men who are able to provide this a lot better
than my current partner could. And again,
notice the catch 22 to that when your partner thinks in their head,
I can't talk to my husband because safety is destroyed.
They can't even talk about how they can't talk to them,
which puts them in a very, very hopeless position. The catch 22, again,
that causes a lot of divorce.
And so what happens is this men can only usually give a very
low level of value. They can only give, let's say financial security. You know,
they bring home the bacon, they solve problems.
They fix things around the house. They do the chores,
but they don't know how to give the higher level value of creating emotional
safety, emotional connection. The, you know,
if you look at Maslow's hierarchy of needs, for example,
they're really providing the lower level value,
not the self-actualized value that a lot of people,
the modern relationships requires, you know, in modern relationships,
women don't need you to give them financial security per se.
They can get that themselves. A lot of the,
the lower level of value they can get themselves.
What they're looking for now are the higher level values.
The self-actualized values that requires you to understand the software,
things like emotions, et cetera.
So the solution here is to really understand how to grow both sides.
It's growing the balance of the MNF,
but also being able to be fluid around the MNF as well.
And this is about becoming what you need to become to effectively
handle certain moments. You know, if you look at great leaders, for example,
you know,
I remember working for this guy who was one of the most amazing leaders I've
ever worked for in my entire life. His name was Chris,
and then Chris would be in a one hour meeting. And for the first 40 minutes,
Chris would be in his very feminine sides, trying to really understand,
trying to listen, trying to ask questions, you know, admitting basically, Hey,
I could be wrong about my side of things. I want to hear your side.
So this is coming from a very feminine place.
But then for the last 10 minutes of that meeting,
he'll be coming from a very masculine place because he understood the problem
very well from all angles.
He can give a very potent suggestion going forward.
And this is true for conversations where conversations and requires the needs
for you to be feminine and also masculine at the same time at different times,
depending on what you're trying to do at the moment.
But if you look at sex in general,
you also need both is not good for the man to just be masculine,
be so disconnected with the emotions and just be like a mechanical drill the
whole time. It's not very attractive. It's not very good for sexual life.
There's actually a dance between masculine feminine.
When you are in the middle of a sexual activity,
you not only need to be balanced here,
but you also need to show that you are able to be fluid and your ability to go
from masculine, feminine.
And the only way that this becomes toxic is if you're jammed to one side or the
other, if you're jammed to the side of masculinity and you don't know how to be
connected with your feminine side and vice versa, that's when things got toxic.
But again, I've had an in-depth video on this already.
So if you want to watch that video, feel free to click the link above my head.
Also down below this video as well, to watch a video. Now,
the last misconception is that a lot of men,
they try to be the leader by being a fixer,
instead of trying to lead by creating leaders yourself.
So a lot of men where they do is they try too hard to be the leader basically.
And what this means is that whenever their partner comes to them with a problem,
they instantly see themselves as above them, as the leader, above them.
That needs to be the source for answers. There's source for solutions,
there's source for everything, the resolutions for their partner.
And if he can't do that, if let's say his partner comes to him with a problem,
and he doesn't know what those solutions are, that men will feel really guilty,
will feel relieved, defensive even sometimes, and really insecure.
And men who operate this way usually are terrible listeners.
They don't really caring about the underlying feelings and emotions behind the
problem. They're just caring about, let me get the job done.
They're seeing this relationship as a business transaction,
not as a relationship, not as a romantic relationship, especially,
and they actually disempower others because when you have this culture where you
are the solver and everyone is supposed to come about their problems with,
to you, you're basically saying I'm above you. I am the decision maker.
You don't know how to make decisions yourself,
or you should not make decisions without me.
And that actually disempowers other people as well.
And number three is that you get insecure very easily,
especially when you can't find the answers quickly.
And right then and there you get very insecure very quickly.
And it's very difficult, again, to feel safe with someone like this.
Now the goal here again is not to become a leader yourself,
but real leaders.
They're the ones who can create other leaders and to create other leaders.
It's not just about being a problem solver and solving everyone's problems for
them, but it's about inspiring safety so that when people have problems,
they come to you. And once they come to you,
you can listen and understand their problems and make other people feel deeply
acknowledged. And once people feel deeply acknowledged,
you can then use the right frameworks, the right mindsets, the right approach,
to be able to empower other people, to solve their own problems. So,
a great example of this is let's say your partner comes to you and says, Hey,
I'm having depression. When you see that your partner has depression,
and you're trying to be a fixer,
you're trying to fix a depression and you take it upon yourself to try to fix
it. But the reality again is that you can't fix it.
And so this puts you in a very insecure position where you feel insecure because
you can't fix something, a problem that your partner came to you for,
but he we're trying to inspire the people to do it.
You're basically saying to yourself, you know what?
The problem here is not that my partner is having depression,
but the problem here first and foremost is that before she was not willing and
able and feeling safe enough to share her depression with me.
And so your goal is to create a safety for her,
to be able to share the depression with you and go through it with you.
And once you create that safety,
being able to navigate the conversations to where you allow her to inspire
herself,
to get herself out of it and inspire and make our leader out of your partner.
Another example of this is let's say your partner wants to divorce.
Same thing here. A lot of men want to fix that and say, well, let me fix that.
Let me fix that for you.
But if you were trying to inspire other people to be the leaders,
what you will say is look okay,
I'm going to grow myself to become a leader myself.
And what I realized was that I can't make the decisions for you.
I can't tell you to come back. I can't tell you to change your mind.
I'm going to work on myself and you just grab a backup popcorn.
And I'm going to try to give you the tools to be able to see emotionally
my changes and how much I've changed. If you see it,
great stick around in the movie. If you don't see it,
feel free to walk out of the movie. So it's a very different approach,
but the second approach is much more effective than the first approach.
We're trying to be the one to inspire and convince your partner to stay with
you.
So those are the three common misconceptions I often see about what it means to
be masculine.
And one name is to play a masculine figure to either stop yourself from
destroying your marriage,
or also get yourself to fix the marriage that you've broken as well.
There's a lot more than we can talk about when it comes to addressing these
misconceptions.
And if you want to see a collection of stories from other men who have really
embraced this,
the true state of what being masculine and what being a masculine figure means
in a marriage or in a long-term relationship.
I invite you to look at my client stories right here, above my head,
also down below this video. And I think these stories that you'll find very,
very inspiring because they are usually started off in the same position
as urn when in a brink of a divorce and separation.
And it turned it around despite being in very dire situations.
And if you want to understand the system that all these men have used to gain
massive success,
you can also join me in my masterclass where we can talk about the five proven
steps to rebuilding your relationship from the ground up.
So if you want to join the master class,
feel free to click the link above my head. Also down below this video.
And also if you want to submit your application for the relationship rebel
program, we'll show you how to do so at the end of the video as well.
And if you want a free guide that can allow you to understand how to conduct
conversations and interactions better in your relationship,
you can download the guide.
Half of you by my head are also down below this video. And finally,
if you want to join a community where we can talk about your questions and have
a member of my team, address them for you,
then you can also join me in my free Facebook group down below this video.
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I would love to hear from you in the meantime,
I want to give you two other videos here with more knowledge and skills to
apply, to become an irreplaceable asset in your relationship for now.
I'll see you in the next video.