Hey everybody,
Today's video is not planned.
I haven't prepared anything.
I don't usually do that.
But I really,
There's a couple of things.
First of all, I have been doing all of my patreon hangouts this week,
If you guys don't know,
I do these one on one and group hangouts through my patreon account.
And through all of that connecting and, you know, hanging out,
I realised that we all are feeling really isolated,
Feeling like we are kind of crazy,
People are talking about learning new languages,
And organising their whole house,
And here I am just struggling to shower,
And, I don't know, after having these conversations,
I thought it might be helpful,
I know it's kind of selfish,
Because I know would be helpful for me to just like talk about it,
Because I haven't really talked about how I'm doing or what's happening,
And, spoilers, I will probably get emotional, because I always do.
Haha, can't help it.
But, the truth about it, is that this time has been really hard.
And weird.
And, personally, mine started off horrible from the get.
Because like my mom was gone, and she was out of the country on vacation,
When all of this started happening.
And everything, I don't know if you guys felt this way,
But everything happened really quickly.
And so from the get, I was like,
"Shit shit shit, this is terrible, oh my god," like,
"I'm worried about my mom,"
If you guys don't know, my dad's already passed away,
So she's the only parent I got.
And, um, so that was really stressful for me.
And it was strange because I didn't think about it,
Like when it was happening,
I was worried, but you know how you just like kind of eh,
I gotta keep doing things, like, things were still busy, I was still working,
And then there was this weird,
Like subconscious, uhh, just two weeks after she'd returned,
So she didn't get back until, I think, the 21st of March,
Two weeks after that, I had this like,
-Breath out-
This release, where I was like oh she's okay,
She didn't end up getting sick or anything.
She's home safe, healthy, happy.
But I didn't even realise how much that was stressing me out.
And so that's lead to me not sleeping very well,
Having these crazy anxious dreams,
Where like, not even anything to do with corona virus,
Which is really weird,
But they're anxious dreams like,
"Oh my god, I'm pregnant"
Sean and I don't want kids,
So that would be like a horrible horrible horrible horrible thing for us.
Um, or like I show up to film something,
And I don't know what I'm supposed to say,
And they ask me questions that I have no idea about.
It's like showing up to school, when you were a kid, like, without clothes on, or something.
And it was like those kinds of dreams,
And I'd wake up like,
-gasps-
And then last night I dreamt I went to war.
Like, what.
What's happening in my brain,
I'm not really sure.
And, so anyways,
So know that it's been hard for me too.
Like, just because I'm a therapist,
Doesn't mean that I'm not human.
I think a lot of people assume that just because I went to school,
That I know better,
That I can always do better,
I'm still human.
It's still hard.
And it's still super stressful.
And I've even found myself being really irritable,
And that's actually the video I planned on doing,
Was like, Why I've been so angry lately.
And then I was like, that doesn't fully capture what I've been experiencing.
Um, but to that end,
Like, I've just wanted to like, be mad at everybody.
Like be mad at my neighbour who I see leaving their house and they are older,
And I'm like,
What are you doing?
Stay inside.
Jesus christ.
Dah dah dah.
Um, to, you know, just being agitated at Sean because we're stuck in the house.
But in those moments,
I have to think,
Maybe this will be helpful for you,
I have to think,
Kati what are you really feeling?
Because I think,
Because anger is a secondary emotion.
So, what is it hiding?
What am I protecting myself with this anger?
And the answer is usually sadness.
I've been feeling really sad.
I'm sad for all of our health co-workers.
I'm sad, like I have to grieve all of the events that were cancelled,
And the weddings that had to be rescheduled,
And, not to mention the people that we're losing.
I don't want to act like that's not the biggest part of the grief,
But for a lot of us,
It's just grieving the life we used to have.
I grieve socialising with my friends.
Being able to go over to their house and play games.
And, any of that.
What I wouldn't give to go out to dinner and have drinks with some friends,
Am I right.
Um, get my nails done,
Get my hair done,
Things that like, I know, it's such a privileged life that I live,
But, I just, I want you to know that I feel it too.
And I think the problem with everything that's going on,
Is that I don't feel like that's a valid feeling,
Like so I'm stuffing it down,
Because I'm like,
Hey, we have people like, on the front lines,
Like, people who have lost family members,
Who am I to like bitch about the fact that I'm stuck in my house,
And feeling upset and worried.
And so I want, I just want to say that because,
I want all of you to know that it's okay to feel that way.
Um, and I think part of what's helping me,
Is just letting myself feel it.
And like processing it.
Um,
Because even seeing my friends kids having to do like online school and stuff,
Is like kind of sad to me.
Like, they miss their friends.
And sometimes they don't quite understand.
So, there's a lot of grieving that I think we need to do.
But the cool thing about, like, social media and being online,
Is that we are so connected.
And I would encourage all of you,
Just as a community, we already do this,
But even more so now,
I think it's really important to get in comments,
And leave positive things.
You have been doing that for me,
And I've been loving it.
I've been trying to do that for my friends,
Like just even if it's a heart emoji,
If I don't even know what to say,
Just leaving some love,
Being kind.
The last thing any of us need to do is to shit talk each other.
Like, that doesn't help at all.
It just makes us feel even more alone.
And so I'd take some time and leave some love.
That's kind of I guess the take away from today.
And let yourself feel it.
I've been trying to like validate myself,
So I hope this video is validating to you.
Um,
That even though I haven't lost anybody to the corona virus,
Thank God, knock on wood.
But, and I don't have anybody close in my family who is on the front lines,
Well, I guess my sister in law works at Costco,
And I'm worried about her all the time.
And hoping that she doesn't get sick.
And my nephew works there too.
There's a lot of stuff,
What I'm trying to get at,
And I'm not doing a very good job is,
Just because there isn't this direct grief that we should be experiencing,
Or that our feelings are validated by this direct experience,
I think we all have to grieve.
Everybody around the world I think is grieving.
And so know that it's okay to feel that way.
And I know a lot of,
A lot of you have reached out,
Because your mental illness and symptoms have like gotten worse,
And that's understandable.
We already have a tough time managing, right,
And then we like throw on this layer of world wide stress.
It's crazy.
And we don't have any experience to pull from.
Like, I don't even know what to tell people about it,
Because I don't know either.
Anyway, I guess the point of this is just like,
It's okay to feel how you feel.
It's weird, it's shitty,
I hate it.
I'm uncomfortable.
God I want sushi,
And I can't make that in my house.
There are so many random things that I think during the day,
And I'm just trying to dump what my brain has been going through,
So that you know that it's okay to feel how you feel too.
And keep sharing those funny memes man.
If we can't laugh, what do we do.
And I've been living in that a lot.
I know that, probably those of you that follow me on instagram are like,
Kati, are you really doing anything, or are you just re-sharing memes.
I'm just re-sharing memes over here trying to survive.
And also like, just this last week I started to feel a little bit better,
I think because I gave myself permission to not work all the time.
Like, I don't know if any of you guys know,
If you have been following me for a long time I'm sure you realise this,
I'm pretty type A,
I'm crazily over organised,
And I work hard.
I enjoy it,
It's not a bad thing, you know,
I enjoy the work.
Um, and I love connecting with you,
And I'd love to do everything I can,
But right now I have to take care of myself,
And give myself a little breathing room,
To recognise that I'm not able to do what I used to do every day,
Like I remember when I went into therapy when my dad first died,
And I was like, so frustrated,
I was in graduate school,
And my therapist at the time,
Was like,
"Kati, like, Your dad just died."
And I was like, "Well I know,"
"But like I still have tests, I need to get back to school,"
"I need to do all this shit, and blah blah blah,"
And I was just like shit talking myself,
Negative self talk,
Spiralling me into like not a happy place.
And she was like,
"Listen,"
"In life you run marathons,"
You do, you do a lot. You're busy, you're doing stuff all day every day,
And she's like,
"Someone just came into your life and threw a 70 pound backpack on your back,"
"And was like, 'Hey, go run those marathons', "
And she goes,
"And now you're surprised that you can't,"
And I don't know why,
That was just so like, tangible for me.
So the world has thrown a 70 pound backpack on us,
We're not able to do what we used to do.
I loved that meme that was like,
We're not working from home.
We're at home during a crisis to help save lives,
And I just really liked that because,
There's that pressure of,
"Well I'm at home, I have all this free time, I should learn another language,"
"And I should get all this work done,"
We don't,
It's not the same.
It's hard to focus.
We're in a constant state of worry and stress,
And, anyway, that's really it.
I just wanted to connect with you.
I wanted you to know that I'm not feeling great either.
It's okay to not be able to focus and do what you normally did.
-Takes breath-
Just, take it one moment at a time.
Take care of yourself, more than anything.
The one thing that I can do every day, is I can move my body,
And I can shower,
And I can, Well I guess there is three,
Because then I, I feed myself regularly.
So make sure you are doing those things.
Make sure you are taking care of your basic needs,
Because that helps me at least have some kind of structure to my day.
And, you know, is keeping me going.
Anyway, I love you,
Thank you so much for following along,
Thank you for watching,
Thank you to my patreons patrons who support what I do,
You're the reason, like through all of this stuff,
Who knows what's going to come out of it,
I'm very grateful to each and every one of you.
Take care of yourselves.
Stay home and stay safe.
And we'll get through it.
Bye.
Subtitles by the Amara.org community