-How is everything going, buddy? -Great. Good to be back.
You know, this is my home. New York's my hometown.
-Yeah, of course. -Yeah, yeah.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Family good and everybody? -Family's still here.
Went to visit them all.
Mom's going to be 90 in a couple months.
Two months, my mom will be 90, yeah.
[ Cheers and applause ] Doing good.
-Whoa. Good for her.
-She's doing good.
She had her hip replaced, of course.
That's what hap-- I mean, it's a requirement, almost,
when you're -- Yeah.
But she had her hip replaced. And this was interesting.
We were in the hospital.
My two brothers -- I have two brothers.
I have a younger brother, Robert, older brother, Richard.
And we were there, and she was coming out of anesthesia.
And the doctor came in.
And they try to see if she's fully out of anesthesia,
so he's asking her questions.
So, he said, "Lucie, how many kids do you have?"
And she said, "Four."
So, she only has three, so we --
Yeah, so she's still a little loopy.
-Still a little loopy, yeah.
-And then the doctor says, "What are their names?"
And she said, "Uh...Richard, Richard, Richard, and Richard."
Four Richards. Four Richards.
And we laughed. Look, you got to laugh.
-Yeah, of course. -I'll be honest.
Richard laughed a little more than me and Robert.
He did. Richard's like, "Ha ha!"
We were like, "Heh...yeah."
I'm not going to get --
Look, I'm not going to get pissed at my mother.
She's 89. She's coming out of anesthesia.
-Yeah.
-I just thought, you know, "How strong is this anesthesia?
'Cause if she's going to name four names,
one of them can't be the guy who bought her a house?"
[ Laughter ]
That guy? -"Okay, Mom?!"
"Raymond!"
-How about the guy who bought the hip?
How about that guy? That guy can't get a shout-out?
-Not just the house, the hip, as well.
-Four Rich-- an extra Richard. A phantom Richard.
-A phantom Richard. -But she's great. She's great.
-She's good, yeah.
-Although, here's what I am learning.
When you're 80, when you're up there --
'Cause I heard this about when people get older.
They lose the filter.
They lose the filter. They just say things.
My mom was a piano teacher, Juilliard, the whole thing.
Private, you know, very reserved.
She is saying stuff -- She said, the other day --
This is unsolicited.
She said to me, "You know, I stayed with your father
for so long because the sex was very good.
Very good."
Let me tell you something. I think I hyperventilated.
I'm going to tell you something, folks.
The only thing more disturbing than picturing
your parents having sex is picturing them
having good sex.
I got that. I got that in my head.
-"I got that in my head."
nb"The sex is good." Oh, my goodness.
-The only good thing is -- my kids
will never have to worry about that.
My wife -- Let me tell you something.
No matter how senile my wife gets,
that is not coming out of her mouth.
That is not -- She'll be like, "It was three minutes,
but he had a lot of money.
He had a lot of money." Yeah.
-How are the kids? How the kids doing?
-Good. The kids are older, man.
They're older now. -How old are they?
-My youngest is 20 now, yeah. What are yours?
-5 and 3. -Yeah, man.
It goes fast.
I know, right now, you praise, and it's this and that.
Boom, like that.
But here's the thing -- it doesn't end.
The parenting never ends. The worrying never ends.
The aggravation never ends.
My mother is worrying about four Richards right now.
-There's a phantom Richard. -Yes.
-Yeah.
-But I have -- You know, I have three boys, too.
My oldest is the girl. You have a what?
-I have two girls. -Aww.
-I know. -Yeah.
-It's the best.
-No, because they're good people.
[ Laughter ]
My son -- -What does he do?
-All right, here he is. So, I have twin boys.
24-year-old twins.
So, one of them -- he has a new girlfriend.
So, he's still living at home.
He calls the other day at 1:00 in the morning.
He calls. He says, "Dad, I'm driving back.
My car says I got 14 miles to go.
My gas gauge says 2 miles till empty.
So I'm like, "Okay, Greg.
Is this a math problem? Are you having a math problem?"
Yes. Why is he calling me -- -This is an S.A.T. question.
-Yes. -Yeah, yeah.
-14 is greater than 2.
Go to the gas station. Get off the -- He's on the 405.
He's on the 405, you know, the massive highway.
-Oh, that's a freeway. -Yes.
I said, "Get off. Go get gas."
And he goes, "I can't, because my debit card is at zero."
And zero is less than all of those numbers.
And, so, then I say -- First, I'm mad.
Like, "Why is he letting this happen?"
And then I figured, "All right, just stay on the phone
until you get home.
I'll stay on the phone to make sure you get home in time."
He goes, "Okay, but I don't have my charger,
and I have 1% left on my phone."
-My gosh! This is too much math. -Exactly.
And I'm just so -- You know, I'm worried,
but I'm so aggravated.
Why is he letting -- And I'm like,
"Greg, why do you do this?"
He goes, "Look, I don't know. I --"
Boop! It goes dead.
The phone goes dead.
The phone is dead, so now I have to wonder what --
I'm in my underwear.
-It's 1:00 in the morning. -Yes.
Do I have to get up and patrol the 405?
No, because -- I mean, look, what's going happen?
But he's going to be there with nothing -- no phone, no money.
And, you know, the 405 gets a little deserted for a while.
-Sure.
-And finally, I go.
I talked to my wife. "You got to go."
I get dressed. I go into the driveway.
I get in, and he pulls in and he made it.
And he la-de-das past -- "Yeah, I made it."
So he learned nothing. He learned nothing.
-He just... -Yes.
-He learned nothing in that whole thing.
-Yes. -That's perfect.
That is absolutely perfect.