I was at a party last summer,
and one my friends gave me half a pill of ecstasy.
I took it. It was smooth.
I was enjoying myself.
I don't know what it was
about this particular batch,
but it made me okay with pissing myself.
Like, the whole thing.
When I was in line for the bathroom,
I had all the intentions on going the right way.
My heart was pure,
but then all the liquid fell out of my body.
The whole batch fell out of my body,
and I think under normal circumstances,
if I pissed myself, I would have said,
"Damn it, I just pissed myself.
It's time to get out of here," but there was something
about the X that, "You know what?
"I pissed myself, but guess what.
I'm about to dance this shit dry!"
[dance music]
Yeah, it's very exciting.
Some of my jokes have music cues.
It's fun.
I want to do that punch line again.
Dance that shit dry! [dance music]
That's very exciting. Y'all should try comedy.
This is one of the benefits of it.
Dance that shit dr-- [dance music]
No, no. No, no, no.
I see a woman.
She looks very confused by the situation.
Don't worry.
You're just watching a man living out his dream
in that joke, in that joke.
All right.
[applause]
I was online one day. I get a message from a friend.
He says, "Hannibal, I'm working on this movie.
"Scarlett Johansson is in this movie,
and she said you're one of her favorite comedians."
I said, "Oh, shit.
"Why didn't she just tell me? I'm easy to reach.
Why would she--"
[laughter]
So now I'm psyched.
I don't know what to do with that information.
I can't hit her up.
"Hey, Scarlett...
I heard."
"Where do we go from here? What's the next step?"
I didn't know what to do. Flash forward two months later.
I'm in a club in New York.
I see Scarlett Johansson is in the club.
I'm with a friend that knows her.
I'm like, "Hey, man, introduce me to Scarlett.
"I heard she was a fan, but don't introduce me, saying,
"'Here's Hannibal. I heard you're a fan.'
"Introduce me regular-style,
and then we'll see how she plays it."
And we go up. He says,
"Scarlett, this is Hannibal. Hannibal, Scarlett."
She says, "Oh, Hannibal, I'm a huge fan of your stand-up."
I said, "Thank you, Scarlett.
I'm a huge fan of pictures of you."
No, I didn't say that. I didn't say that.
You can't say that type of stuff to people.
You think it, but you don't say it.
It's social norms. You know?
So we speak for a little bit. She was real cool.
Flash forward two months later.
I'm in the same club in New York.
I'm in line for the bathroom.
Turn around, Scarlett Johansson is directly behind me.
Turns out she's a dude. No.
[laughter]
No.
I see her.
We speak briefly, you know,
'cause we cool as fuck now, and...
I was next in line. She was right behind me.
I think most dudes, you next in line for the bathroom,
Scarlett Johansson right behind you,
you let her go ahead, but you know what?
I'm not that dude. Not that dude.
Sorry, I loved you in
You know?
Everybody in this world got to piss.
'Cause in my mind, I'm thinking she might go,
"Oh, wow.
"Hannibal didn't let me go
"to the bathroom ahead of him.
"Most punk-ass dudes would have.
I should totally suck his dick for that, right?"
You never know how stuff works! You never know how it plays out.
But she went to the bathroom. I went to the bathroom.
I think everything worked out for her in there.
I feel like that night I might have blown my shot with her,
'cause I was pretty faded.
Whenever she would walk past me in the club, I would go,
"Scarlett!
Scarle--"
So I don't think it's gonna work out with us,
but, you know, you live and you learn.
You adjust your game, and you miss all the shots
that you don't take.
If you love something, you let it go.
If it comes back--you know the rest of that stuff, man.
Who knows what the future holds
for me and ScarJo.
One of my favorite things about coming back home to Chicago,
I get to hang with my niece and my nephew.
They're six and eight, or they were six and eight
when this joke was written.
Six and eight. I gave 'em both a couple bucks.
Their father's a finance guy,
so he's teaching 'em about money early on.
He said, "There's four different things
you can do with that money. Names it."
"Buy something." "What else?" "Save it."
"What else?" "Donate it." "What's the last one?"
"Invest it."
And part of me wanted to say,
"You can also gamble that shit."
Listen, the Bears are minus 3 1/2 points
against the Titans. They gonna crush the Titans.
That's a soft line.
You need to get it before it moves up to four.
Their running back is washed up.
They got holes in the offensive line.
I'd take it up to 6 1/2, honestly,
if you can get it, 6 1/2.
When I gamble on sports, it makes me wish horrible things
on the other team's players.
I had money on game seven, Heat versus Spurs.
It was tight in the fourth quarter.
I started thinking, you know what?
You know what, if Tim Duncan dropped dead right now,
I feel like the Heat could rally around that,
and maybe they'd be energized by Tim Duncan's sudden death,
and the Spurs wouldn't play so well,
'cause they sad about it, you know?
There'd be lots of grief-related turnovers.
Just hella five-second violations 'cause Ginóbili's
holding the ball, just looking off into the distance sadly.
Boom! Five seconds.
Heat ball. Hell, yeah!
We gonna cover.
I'd be the worst courtside reporter.
So, Dwight Howard, how do you feel
like your 12 missed free throws
affected people that bet the over?
Sports frames my thinking in a weird way.
I went to this poetry event in Charlotte.
This woman got onstage.
She said, "This piece is dedicated to my sister.
"She's been in an abusive relationship
for 17 years."
I said, "Holy shit.
"So she's been getting her ass whupped
for Kobe Bryant's entire career."
The whole time, from him going on prom with Brandy,
getting drafted by the Hornets, traded to the Lakers
for Vlade Divac, coming off the bench
behind Nick Van Exel and Eddie Jones,
winning the dunk contest in his rookie year,
she was getting her ass whupped while all that was going on?
Even when they won a couple championships
and they brought in Karl Malone and Gary Payton.
That didn't work out. They got swept by the Pistons.
She was getting her ass whupped while that was going on?
Even during the rape charge in Colorado, the 81-point game
against Toronto, she was getting her ass whupped then?
You telling me that Sasha Vujacic
came and left when she was still getting her ass whupped?
That's not a joke about domestic violence,
although I see how you could see it that way.
I understand.
That's a joke about how I process the passing of time.