For centuries, Apple has been creating the absolute best in personal electronics.
And today, we are doing more of that stuff.
We are excited to announce the release of a new version of your favorite plastic square.
We call it the new iPhone.
And we also call it the iPhone Air, but more importantly, you call it the iPhone 6.
If your tiny head hasnt already imploded with this spontaneous release, well get ready,
because we're announcing two different iPhones today.
Incredible.
Am I right?
We've added so many new features to this new iphone, but we only have time to discuss 4.
Both new iPhones come in two different screen sizes.
The first comes in an all new 4.7 inch sapphire display.
This phone is not plagued by the same issues that other phones of this size are riddled
with because it was made by us.
The sapphire display is harder than anything your phone will come in contact with in your
pockets.
Like keys or, other stuff.
It wont even scratch in the event you it blocks a potential stabbing.
And for you in the wealthy 1 percentile, we even added an option for a diamond display.
The second iPhone is much larger display for all you phablet lovers.
Actually all we did was add a cell chip inside an existing iPad mini.
No one will know the difference, and we saved a ton of money doing it.
The iPhones are now waterproof for any of your new wet experiences.
Drop your iPhone in the toilet?
No big deal, just hose it off in the backyard.
Your kid spill spaghetti on it?
No problem, just toss it in the dish washer.
We have heard our users loud and clear.
Finally after they shut up and we were able to think straight, we added more customizability
to the iPhone.
Users love how you can customize the Android OS, but all that is just confusing crap.
What about customizing the hardware.
So we're introducing customizable home buttons.
You can choose from over 7 different emojis to reflect current your mood.
Choose wisely, cause your choice is permanent at the time of purchase.
One of our final innovations we've added to the new iPhone is something you have all been
waiting for.
NFC.
Yes.
Thats right.
Not to be confused with Near Field Communications of which the technology is years away, NFC
stands for No Face Crumbs.
We found users using the iPhone camera as a portable mirror.
We now made the screen hyper reflective, so you can see yourself better than ever.
You can pre-order these new iPhones right now before their scheduled release in 6 months
time.
What is great is that we have entirely new aggressive price points for these new devices.
The new iPhones start at just 399 with a 5 year contract.
Once again Apple changes the game.
But theres one more thing.
We have added new facial recognition software to instantly recognize if you are a high profile
celebrity and automatically share your private phones from iCloud to your favorite social
networks.
Nudes for everyone.
You're welcome.
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