We get request from viewers like you on special topics.
One of our viewers asked, "How do you support siblings in a special needs family?"
We've got 5 ways you can do that.
Some of you have asked this to address this topic which is kind of a tricky one.
-Right.
And it's near & dear to my heart because I have several family members with kids with
special need.
-Right.
We have a niece, son and nephew who are in that category.
And so, 2 families within our extended family are dealing with this.
And the siblings sometimes get overlooked.
-Yeah.
And I don't think we appreciate how much it affects their life, their childhood.
-Well, our nieces commented to us about this because her sister is the one with special
needs.
But she sometimes felt overlooked or she was in the shadows or as not as important as this
special-needs child who consumes a lot of resources.
So, that's the sense of why we're coming at this today.
And some of you as viewers have asked us about this topic.
How do I support the sibling?
I think the first thing is that we create a culture where there's open communication.
-Rigth.
-We got to keep those lines of communication open.
-Yeah.
And I think it takes a little bit of extra effort.
I thought reading the book WONDER was a great opener to this.
-There's a movie for that, too.
-There's a movie.
I like the book because in books, we can kind of get behind what a character is thinking
a little bit deeper.
And it's the same story told from 3 perspectives.
And one of those perspective is the sibling.
And I think that it really brings up some great issues that maybe I hadn't thought about
or maybe you hadn't thought about.
So, it's a good way to to realize that there's quite a bit going on inside.
The siblings had where they're trying to process and come to terms with the kind of the reality
that when push comes to shove because your sibling has special needs and can't take care
of themselves and be responsible throughout...
You know, depends on of course on the level of severity of their disability.
But when push comes to shove, the parents is going to have to help that child because
they don't have the resource to do it themselves.
Even if that means sometimes the siblings needs and wants have to be pushed aside for
a time sometimes for longer.
And so, if I think that it gives a really good introduction into the psyche and the
thoughts of the sibling.
Now, remember everybody is different.
Every child is different.
I've watched the families that I've dealt with.
And everyone handles it a little differently.
-Sure.
-Kids handle it.
There's personality differences.
But just recognize that there is a whole world that they're having to come to terms with.
And kind of new rules.
Rules that don't always applied to their friends will apply to them.
-Exactly.
This is why the communication is so important.
In a culture within your family where this communication is open, we can talk about it,
this gives a chance for you to connect with everyone in the family about how they're feeling.
And I think we need to communicate that you're never wrong about how you feel.
-Right.
-Sometimes these siblings will start to feel like "I shouldn't feel put out.
I shouldn't feel overlooked."
Well, they're never wrong about how they feel.
There's reasons for it.
So, if they have a place where they can actually express that and you as the parents are willing
to hear it and be open to whatever they're experiencing without trying to fix it necessarily.
But just let them express it.
-And I think you have to be really careful as a parent not going to...
You know, gosh...
Guilt.
Parenting in guilty is a huge...
-Enough with the guilt and shame.
-But I think it's even bigger sometimes with the child with special needs.
And so, if you can get the guilt enough that your child, the sibling can talk to you openly
and acknowledge the hard things and you acknowledge it back, even if you can't solve it or change
it, being able to acknowledge it keeps those communication open.
-Right.
Obviously, one of the challenges with having a special-needs child is that there's not
as much focus one on one time with the other kids.
Because what you said earlier, VIcki, there's demand on the resource of the parents.
So, the important factor here is to make sure that you create opportunities for that one
on one time.
-Right.
-This is not always easy.
In fact, it's probably never easy.
Right?
But we're not going for easy.
We're going for what's helpful.
-Right.
-And what's going to create this culture in our family where that can happen.
Take the time.
Employ the resources, whatever you need to do to create those opportunities.
It will go a long way with those siblings who might be feeling a little starved for
that attention.
-Along with providing one-on-one time for each of the children including the sibling,
you also want to find a way to help spread the loves, spread the cares, spread the responsibility.
I think it's really important to talk about ways that your child, the sibling can help
out with the child with special needs.
Give them some responsibility.
But not too much.
-There's a practical side to this too, Vicki because it does demand a lot of resources.
So, we need to share the load.
We need to share the love as you said.
To spread it out.
It gives a sense of importance and inclusion for a sibling to have some kind of special
responsibility.
-Right.
-We have to balance this out because we don't want to over burden them.
-Exactly.
And I think every situation is going to be different.
And it's probably going to change.
Up and down throughout.
And lifestyle and business of the child.
-It's not just within the family either where we're going to share the love.
Because of the demands that are there, it's really a great idea to explore opportunities
for respite care, for a break.
I know some families feel a little guilty about this.
It's like, Well, this is what we got so we got to deal with it.
And it's just what we have."
And that's true.
We're going to comeback to that actually.
And as part of that picture, it's okay for you to explore resources.
And Vicki, you and I have provided some of that respite care for our niece.
-Explore it and ask for help.
And then accept it when it's offered.
-This could mean that we're going to take a family vacation.
Normally, you're going to try to include everybody in the family.
But let's say that you're doing a family vacation that is really not conducive to or appropriate
for your child with special needs.
But you really want to do it as a family.
First of all, unplug the guilt and the shame for that.
That's totally fine.
It's...
You have our permission to do this.
And to do it, you're going to need some help with your special needs child while you're
going off and doing somethings with everybody else.
And that's what I'm talking about with respite care.
-Right.
-It's not easy.
It's not always cheap.
There are resources to explore those and use them to the benefit of your family.
This situation is what it is.
This is exactly the situation that your family is dealing right now.
And so, you incorporate and you adjust.
-You know, I was thinking about this that you can come to make it a whole family endeavor.
And you can have...
And we've talked about family meetings.
I think this is a super important time to have family councils.
And I know one family that there special-needs son, if he ever heard voices that were kind
of upset, he would get upset.
You can even be just joking around.
But if he heard upset voices...
-It'd trigger him.
-Yeah.
He triggered.
So, their family just kind of learn to use very calm and a little bit of quieter voices.
So, you could still say, "You are irritating me" but you just do it a little calmer, right?
A little lower.
-You say it nicely.
-Yeah.
Just because it would escalate him really fast.
And so, as a family, they just kind to learn how to change some of the ways that they interacted
with each other and their voice levels that they used.
And I think that's great.
This is how we do it in our family.
We don't yell.
-This is who we are.
This is how we roll.
And it becomes part of the family culture, Vicki.
Like your describing here.
It's also something that you can have a little fun with.
That people will start to identify you.
I'm thinking about our nephew and the family culture that was created around his special
needs.
I look at his sisters and how much they love him and adore him and have fun with him because
they've created that culture around "this is who we are".
-Right.
-This is how we roll.
This is part of what defines our family.
And that reminds me, Vicki that everything we face as families is part of a greater context.
-Definitely.
-And it shapes who we are.
-I can't imagine that family (that I was just referring to.
You know who I'm talking about) without element.
-Right.
-Exactly.
And he is a part of the family.
And the family has adjusted to have him a part of them.
Just like we have with everyone.
I guess it's just a little more obvious sometimes when somebody has special needs.
-It's a more obvious opportunity to adjust and adopt.
-Right.
-It's who we are.
It's how we roll.
-Well, that kind of brings us to the obvious.
Of course, we're going to talk about on this channel is be positive.
-Oh, thank you, Vicki.
We can't skip that one.
It's the positivity that allows us to take the entire context and put it in something
that's actually productive and healthy and adoptive.
Something that can elevate and lift you family.
Instead of seeing it as something that is oppressive or something that you got cheated
in life somehow.
Having said that, we're going to unplug the guilt and the shame.
-Right.
-Okay?
This is not happening because you deserve it.
It's not happening because you did something wrong.
-And it's even okay whatever you're feeling.
If you feel a little bit exhausted, tired, left out.
There are things that probably you're going to have to adjust and perhaps pass up.
-As you were saying that, Vicki, I'm thinking, "You know what?
That's not specific to this context."
Welcome to earth.
Stuff happens.
-Yeah.
-And this is just one of those context.
And if it happens to be yours, then embrace it.
And run with it.
And take a positive attitude that allows you to not only see this as a great opportunity
to create a family culture that's awesome and amazing.
It's also an opportunity for you to create and move forward and learn and grow and develop
whatever it is.
I mean, it could be a special-needs child or trying to support siblings within that
family.
It could be any other variety of context, the principle still apply.
And I think positivity is a foundation of them.
Of course, I do.
You may not have known that when you have compiled a lot of resources for families like
yours.
Come over to the website drpauljenkins.com where you'll be able to connect with other
conscious parents and get those personal development resources that you're looking for.
There's some amazing things available.
We welcome you.