Alright, now usually when you're growing up
you tend to have a friend that you like hanging out with,
but you don't really like going to their house.
And for me that was my friend Tommy.
Now, I didn't like going to Tommy's house for a couple of reasons.
For one, his house had a weird smell to it.
And by weird smell I mean, as soon as you walk in you'd be like:
"Oh, sick! Is somebody microwaving socks in a Denny's bathroom?"
"What the hell is that?!"
And for two, his family wasn't the most pleasant people to be around.
His mom had a bunch of weird-ass rules
that you'd have to follow when you're there.
"You're not allowed to use our bathroom, you hear me?!"
"I don't know where you came from or who your parents are."
"So you're not allowed to take a piss in this house!"
And then you had Tommy's creepy-ass grandma,
who would always talk to me
but I could never understand what she was saying.
Because she talked like fuckin' Jabba the Hutt from Star Wars.
"Ooben Na chaaben soooo loooou..."
"Dude, what the hell is she saying, is she about to freeze me in carbonite?!"
"Hha-hah, I don't know, maybe!"
So needless to say, Tommy's house sucked ass.
But there was one redeeming factor about Tommy's house.
And that was that he had a PlayStation 2.
And I'll never forget the day that Tommy got Grand Theft Auto 3.
It was like a goddamn national holiday to us.
I'm hanging out in front of my house with my next-door neighbor Michael.
I got my sweet Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson hat on,
looking like a hard-ass.
"Woah, careful honey, I can smell what that kid is cooking."
"And I don't want to be a part of it."
All of a sudden Tommy comes up to us:
"Hha-ha, hha-ha! You guys wanna come over and play PlayStation 2 at my house?"
"Oh, and deal with your mean-ass mom and your weird-ass grandma? No, thank you!"
"Hha-hha, my grandma's dead!"
Now, a sidenote here, Tommy would always lie about stuff.
All the time for absolutely no reason.
And he would always lie about his grandma being dead.
Now, why would he do that?
I don't know, Tommy was a sick fuck, I guess.
He would lie about his grandma being dead
and you would feel all bad for him.
Then you'd go over to his house
and you would see her ass sitting in the living room,
watching Leave It to Beaver.
"Tommy, your grandma's not dead, I'm not falling for that again."
"Hha-ha, come on, dude, I got Grand Theft Auto 3!"
"Oh, hell yeah, Grand Theft Auto 3!"
"I wanna run over some hookers with an ice cream truck!"
"Calm down, Michael, just calm down."
"We all want to run over hookers with an ice-cream truck."
"But do you really wanna deal with Tommy's weird-ass grandma?"
"Hha-hah, I just told you my grandma's dead."
"God damn it, Tommy, she's not dead! You're a liar and you're lying just like.."
"the time you told me that your cousin was on an episode of Boy Meets World."
"Hha-hah! He was, though."
"Are we gonna run over hookers with an ice-cream truck or what?!"
So we walk into Tommy's house,
we're all gung-ho, ready to commit some felonies.
"Oh, sick, why does it smell like a dog shit in a bag of Fritos in here?"
I look over to the other side of the living room, and sure as shit,
there's Tommy's grandma, alive and well.
(Grandma-Jabba-Evil laughter)
"Ooben-chaaben soooo loooou..."
"God damn it, I knew it! Tommy, what is the matter with you?!"
"You're like the little boy that cried, 'My grandma's dead!'"
So we start heading to Tommy's bedroom,
and all of a sudden Tommy's grandma has the audacity
to take my sweet Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson hat
right off the top of my head.
"Hey, what the hell?!"
"Tommy, you better get your grandma under control
before I tip her ass out of the wheelchair!"
"We don't like hats in this house, you can get it when you leave."
"I don't know where you came from and who your parents are,
so there's no hats in this house!"
"And if you gotta take a piss, there is a tree in the backyard you can use."
So I have to cut my losses
and let Tommy's weird-ass grandma have my hat for the time being.
And we go in his room and play some goddamn Grand Theft Auto 3.
But there is one big problem, that is stopping us.
The goddamn game disc is all scratched up
and we can't get the thing to work.
"Jesus, Tommy, where did you find this game, out in the street?"
"Hha-hah, my sister's boyfriend gave it to me."
"What, after he was done wiping his ass with it?"
"This thing is all jacked up,
it's got more scratches in it, than a fucking lottery ticket."
"How the hell are we gonna get this thing to work?!"
"I heard if you put toothpaste on the disc,
it helps to get rid of the scratches."
"Michael, we're not putting toothpaste on the disc, don't be ridiculous!"
"What's the game got, fucking gingivitis?"
"Hey, I'm just trying to be constructive!"
"All I wanna do is run over some hookers with a goddamn ice-cream truck!"
So there we were,
squeezing out toothpaste on this goddamn Grand Theft Auto 3 game disc.
Hoping that it just might work.
We put the game back in the PlayStation, and you wouldn't believe me if I told you...
But somehow Michael's bullshit toothpaste method..
totally did not work at all.
Are you fucking kidding me?
We've squared like a half tube of Colgate on the damn thing!
Not only did the game not work,
but we probably fucked up Tommy's PlayStation 2 while we're at it.
"Hha-hah! It's making some weird noises.."
So there was no Grand Theft Auto 3 that day.
Which meant there was no running over hookers with an ice-cream truck.
"Ah, darn it!"
"Me and Michael were so mad, we just left Tommy's house."
And it wasn't until I got home, that I realised
"Oh, damn it!"
"I left my sweet Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson hat
with Tommy's weird-ass grandma."
And after that day I didn't see Tommy for weeks.
Finally, like a month goes by and I go back to Tommy's house.
"Hey, I need my sweet Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson hat back!"
"Where is your weird-ass grandma at?"
"Hha-hah, duude my grandma died!"
"God damn it, Tommy, I'm not doing this."
"Your grandma's not dead, she doesn't die, she's like the Terminator of all grandmas!"
"Ohhh.. shit, she really is dead this time, isn't she?"
"Ah.. whoops."
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