Hi.
Happy Seis de Mayo, everybody.
I'm sure some of you celebrated Cinco de Mayo at home
yesterday, so you might be hung over,
or maybe you're still drunk.
Maybe both.
The point is, now, you're trying to homeschool without spilling
your margarita.
Luckily, I can help you out.
I am going to give you a break while I teach
your kids some practical knowledge,
things that they can actually use out there
in the real world, once we're allowed
to go out in the real world.
I tried this a few weeks ago, and based
on the response in my living room,
I did a really, really great job.
Thank you, Portia, thank you.
So parents, sit back, relax while I quench the thirst
for learning with my smart juice.
It's Ellen's Home School Corner.
[MUSIC - THE JACKSON 5, "ABC"] (SINGING) ABC, easy as 1, 2, 3.
Ah, simple as Do-Re-Mi, ABC, 123.
Baby, you and me, girl.
All right.
Ellen smart juice is funny.
That's a funny word.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Thank you.
Well, that's what it is exactly.
Yeah?
Yeah.
There's a whole bunch of it.
And what I do is, I squeeze it, and the juice
comes out to the people.
[LAUGHS]
You give them a little spray.
Yeah.
OK, let's get some.
All right, I'm going to spray you with my smart juice,
or sprinkle you with my smart juice.
Yeah, maybe.
We're going to start today with the Ellen oath, OK?
Everybody repeat after me.
You raise your right hand.
I did.
I, Ellen-- except don't say Ellen.
Say your name, unless your name is also Ellen, which if it is,
cool.
OK.
I, whoever you are, swear.
And when I say swear, don't use mean words.
I mean promise.
OK.
So I, your name, promise to pay attention good.
That's it.
OK, great job.
OK, let's move on to our first subject, vocabulary.
I am sure that you're learning all sorts of new words
at home, lots of new words that your parents
are saying that you probably hadn't heard them say before.
The words I teach you a little bit different.
They're there for text messaging, OK?
I don't know if you have phones yet, but when you do,
these will come in handy.
Sometimes in life, you want to text something,
but you want to use less words because your thumb's are tired,
because they get really, really tired doing that.
I just wanted to see how long I could do it
without getting tired.
OK.
All right.
So--
I thought we had an audio situation.
No.
No, I got excited and was entertained by my thumbs.
Oh, now, that's good.
All right, so I want to use less words,
and I call them acronyms.
Instead of saying a bunch of words,
I use the first letter of each word.
For example, if I laugh out loud at someone's message
and I want to text them laughed out loud,
I don't want to take the time to write laughed out loud.
That's too long, so I write LOL, Laughed Out Loud.
Even if I really didn't LOL, I write
l LOL, because it makes Reese Witherspoon--
I'm sorry, the person that you're texting with feel good.
Here's another one.
SMH, which means Shaking My Head.
You do it when something is so stupid that there are no words
to describe.
For instance, if someone tells you to eat bleach,
all you do is this.
Let's move on to a foreign language, OK?
A lot of schools are teaching Spanish, French, Mandarin,
but they seem to have forgotten the universal language of love.
Write this down on your notebooks everyone.
"My momma said love don't come easy, and she was right.
She said it's a game of give and take.
You can't hurry love.
No, you just have to wait.
Just trust in a good time, no matter how long it takes."
All right, everyone with me?
So you have to wait a long, long, long, long,
long time for real love, or you can go on 90 Day Fiancé and get
it over real quick. #BabyGirlLisa.
[LAUGHS]
Now, if you're going to go on a 90 Day Fiancé,
you're going to need to know geography.
We're going to keep it real simple.
I live in the United States, which
is on the continent of North America,
not to be confused with South America, which
is another continent in between North and South Central
America, which is not a continent.
Australia is another continent but also, a country.
Antarctica, another continent.
Not sure if it's a country.
No one really knows, because no one lives
there except for penguins.
That's geography.
Finally, it's time for arts and crafts.
OK, today I'm going to be showing you
how to make a beaded necklace.
Ooh.
This is fun.
All you need is some string and some beads.
Now, I don't have those things.
So what I'm going to do, which is why I came up
with a beaded necklace,
[LAUGHS]
I'm going to use, because I want to show you,
because maybe your friends are saying,
I'm making a beaded necklace.
And then you go, Mommy, I want to make a beaded necklace.
Your mommy, or your daddy, or whoever says,
we don't have string or beads.
Then you're like, but why not?
Then they're like, because we don't, and then you
get in a big fight.
I don't want to see that happen.
I'm trying to avoid that.
So all you have to do is you take a shoe string, one
such as this that you could almost actually jump rope with,
all right?
What you do, anything with a hole in it,
like, here's a bagel.
That's what she said.
Mm-hmm.
You can put anything at all.
I'm using a bagel, and you put the string, and then you do--
what other things?
Let's think about the things with holes
that you could put on it.
You Could do a donut.
What else has a hole in it?
Something to think about.
All right.
Then what you do, you can put more bagels.
You can put a bunch.
I'm just going to do one, because I
didn't want to be wasteful.
Also what's good about this is if you're hungry,
you can eat it.
OK?
Now--
Oh my God.
--I have made a necklace.
It's a bagel necklace.
Does it look good?
It really does, and it smells good, too.
Ta-da, all right.
That's Ellen's Home School Corner.
Right now, I want to say hi to one of my favorite students,
and that is tWitch.
Hello, tWitch.
Hi, Ellen.
How you doing?
The bagel necklace--
I'm fantastic.
I am-- did you like it?
Yeah, it was great.
Fashionable.
Thank you.
Functional.
Thank you.
You know what's fashionable?
Things that not everybody is doing, to be on the forefront,
to be a trendsetter, not following a trend.
A pioneer.
A pioneer, if you will.
Yes, that's what I like to do.
So yeah.
tWitch, let's talk about this.
I'm very excited.
You recently confessed, after some prompting from me,
because you were so modest that you play harp.
Right.
I hear that you're going to perform a song that you wrote,
and I am so excited that you're finally going
to show everybody your talent.
Yeah.
I got you.
Yay.
OK.
Was it the harp?
Yes, he's going to play the song.
It's so fun to do this show when I can't see anything.
It's like radio.
[LAUGHS]
[HARP MUSIC]
Oh, it's starting.
[HARP MUSIC]
Is he playing?
Yeah.
I couldn't see his hands.
There's a delay, I guess.
Holy.
(SINGING) It's hard out here for a tWitch.
Strumming this thing is a cinch.
It ain't a song that I really want to play,
but Ellen got me a harp anyway.
Got three kids all tripping over toys.
We don't need any more noise.
That's why by the end of the day,
I'm selling this thing on eBay.
[HARP MUSIC]
What?
[GROANS]
That was beautiful.
Ellen, thank you.
That song--
[CLAPS]
You always bring out the best, even things
that I didn't know I could do.
I appreciate this.
You're welcome.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
But I think the lyrics were that you
were going to sell it on eBay, but that's a joke, right?
You just did that because it rhymed?
Yeah.
It was.
Yeah, because it rhymed, and then--
He was good.
Yeah, yeah.
I just did it because it rhymed.
OK.
Yeah.