There is no such thing as a perfect relationship. In fact, every one of us who
is married face challenges that we need to continue working on. Let's face
it, when you're up, it doesn't mean your partner's always going to be up. And
sometimes when you're feeling sad or blue, your partner may be up, and that can
make you feel isolated and alone. However, there are some marriages that are really
dysfunctional. They are not good together. Today on Reaction Reset, I'm going to
give you five signs that you may be in a dysfunctional relationship.
So why do so many people stay in these dysfunctional relationships? The reason
is because there's an inner drive in many people that if they just do a
little bit more - if they just try a little bit harder and understand each
other more, they can work it out. It sounds reasonable, and it is reasonable
in the ordinary world. I mean if your job is not going well, put in a little bit
more work and things even out. If your child's having struggles in school, put
in a little bit more work, spend a little more time with them, teach them more
about the homework, and they do better. But in a dysfunctional relationship that
reasoning does not work. The rule of thumb I tell most of my clients is
that the best way to know if you're in a dysfunctional relationship is to feel
what you feel inside when you're with that person. Do you feel ashamed? Do you
feel inferior? Do you feel like you're put down? Blamed? Do you feel like you're
disrespected? If you feel any of those things, then there's a high chance that
you are in a dysfunctional relationship. Here are five signs that you are in a
dysfunctional relationship. The first one is your partner feels the need to point
their finger, blame you, or yell obscenities. The most important part
about this is if your partner is doing this frequently and often. Can they stop
themselves? Can they see what they've done? Can they apologize? If they can't,
this is a red flag. Secondly, your partner continually violates the boundaries you
set for yourself. If you're with someone who doesn't respect your need to be
alone or to be with friends or to do things without them, you have someone who
is not going to respect you nor be able to love you. Once again, they are
dysfunctional and you should not be in this relationship with them. A third one
is they continually threaten you by saying
they're going to leave, they want a divorce, or that they'll never marry if you're living
with them. This comes from the voice of someone who is not well within
themselves. This comes from someone who wants to manipulate and control other
people. The person they're controlling most is you. Next, your partner has a
fixation on controlling everything you do. When someone is really dysfunctional
what they try to do is not only try to control you but they want full
control of their time. So basically what they have to do is they have to split.
They have to control you enough that you fit in with their time. They're not
negotiating people, and they won't try to work with you. They want to control what
you do, who your friends are, what you do in your spare time. And the things that
bring you joy - anything that brings you joy - they try to take away. Finally, they
put you in harm's way even if it's going to be physically assaulting to you.
What I mean is they have no care for you. They have no respect no matter
what they have. So many times what they do is they'll put you in situations that
are very uncomfortable. Sometimes those can build be illegal. If you confront
them or if you get in their way - remember they're very protective of
their time and what they do - they will get upset and they may strike out at you
physically. These people you cannot love through this. You cannot fix them. They
need professional help. If you're in a relationship with them, especially if
you have children, it will only escalate all of it. I would recommend that you
and your children get to a safe place.
Remember, change your reaction, change your world.