LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, TOM HANKS! ♪♪♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK
YOU VERY MUCH. YES!
I'M TOM HANKS AND IT'S SO GOOD TO BE HERE HOSTING "SNL" FOR THE
NINTH TIME! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
WOW, WHOA! IT HAS BEEN A DREAM OF MINE EVER
SINCE I HOSTED FOR THE ATE TIME! YOU KNOW, MAGAZINE COVER
RECENTLY CALLED ME AMERICA'S DAD.
I WOULD HAVE PREFERRED SEXIEST MAN ALIVE.
BUT I WILL TAKE IT. ANYHOW.
AMERICA IS FEELING A LITTLE NERVOUS THESE DAYS.
AND I'M A RESPONSIBLE FATHER SO I THOUGHT MAYBE IT'S TIME WE HAD
A LITTLE CHAT. [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
HEY, BUDDY. ♪♪♪
THERE'S MY GROWING NATION. HOW YOU DOING, CHAMP?
SO. ROUGH YEAR, HUH?
YEAH, I HEAR YOU GOT A LOT GOING ON INSIDE YOU.
YOU'RE FEELING ANXIOUS AND CONFLICTED AND YOU'RE SCARED
ABOUT WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN NEXT.
WELL, YOU ARE GOING TO BE FINE. REMEMBER WHEN YOU WENT THROUGH
THAT DEPRESSION? THIS IS NOTHING.
[ LAUGHTER ] YOU'RE JUST GROWING UP.
YOU'RE IN AN AWKWARD PHASE. FOR EXAMPLE, YOU MAY HAVE
NOTICED THAT YOUR COMPLEXION HAS CHANGED.
YOU'RE GETTING A LITTLE DARKER. YOU'RE FREAKING OUT ABOUT IT.
BUT THAT'S NATURAL FOR A NATION OF IMMIGRANTS LIKE YOURSELF.
ALSO, YOU'RE A LOT GAYER THAN YOU USED TO BE.
[ LAUGHTER ] [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
AND THAT IS COOL. THAT IS TRILL.
IT'S FLEEK. [ LAUGHTER ]
WHATEVER THAT MEANS. SO HOW YOU DOING?
YOU OKAY WITH MONEY? REALLY?
BECAUSE I HEARD YOU'RE IN SOME DEBT.
I'D LIKE TO HELP YOU OUT BUT IF I DO, YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO
LEARN. ALSO, I DON'T HAVE $19 TRILLION.
[ LAUGHTER ] I HAVE $230 MILLION.
[ LAUGHTER ] SOMETHING ELSE I WANT TO TALK TO
YOU ABOUT. YOU GOT A LOT OF GUNS, KIDDO.
YOU NEED ALL THOSE GUNS? ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, I DON'T
WANT TO HAVE THAT FIGHT AGAIN. LET'S JUST DROP IT.
YOU KNOW? [ LAUGHTER ]
HEY, YOU KNOW, ONE THING YOU SHOULD KNOW.
WE CAN SMELL IT. THE WEED.
[ LAUGHTER ] IT'S LIKE YOU'RE NOT EVEN TRYING
TO HIDE IT ANYMORE. BUT DON'T WORRY, I WON'T TELL
YOUR MOM BECAUSE I DON'T NEED TO BECAUSE SHE CAN SMELL IT TOO.
ALL I CAME IN HERE TO SAY IS, YOU ARE GREAT.
I KNOW SOME PEOPLE ARE SAYING CHINA'S BETTER THAN YOU.
AND SURE, CHINA MIGHT BE POPULAR RIGHT NOW.
BUT PEOPLE DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW HARD IT IS TO BE YOU.
I MEAN YOU GOT A SUMMER BIRTHDAY AND THAT'S ALWAYS TOUGH.
[ LAUGHTER ] ALSO, YOU ARE SO DANG CREATIVE.
THINK OF EVERYTHING YOU'VE DONE. YOU WENT TO THE MOON.
YOU INVENTED THE INTERNET. YOU CREATED A CANNON THAT SHOOTS
T-SHIRTS. ALL RIGHT I'M GOING TO GET OUT
OF YOUR HAIR. YOU'VE GOT A BIG DECISION THIS
NEXT COUPLE OF WEEKS BUT I KNOW YOU'RE GOING TO MAKE THE RIGHT
CHOICE. AS LONG AS YOU THINK FROM HERE
AND HERE. BUT NOT SO MUCH DOWN HERE.
[ LAUGHTER ] NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, I AM
PROUD OF YOU. NOW, ENOUGH OF THE SULKING.
I WANT YOU TO PICK YOURSELF UP, DUST YOURSELF OFF, GO SHOW THE
WORLD WHAT ELSE YOU CAN STUFF INSIDE A PIZZA CRUST.
POUND IT. POUND IT.
OH THAT'S MY MAN, THAT'S MY MAN. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
THAT KID IS GOING TO BE FINE BECAUSE THAT KID IS A HANKS.
WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW, LADY GAGA IS HERE, STICK AROUND!
STICK AROUND! WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] ♪♪♪