Hi, I'm Doug, I'm a Pisces.
I like walks in the rain and bags of pork rinds.
[laughing]
Funny thing happened to me the other day at work.
[laughing]
Really? What?
I delivered a package to this guy named Bupkapenis.
[laughing]
- I have a huge surprise for you. - You're pregnant?
- Yes... thank God! - No!
Would you stop?
What is she doing to my father for ten dollars?
She's walking him, she's a dog walker.
[laughing]
- A dog walker? - Yeah.
You hired a dog walker to walk my father?
[laughing]
I thought you'd be happy?
My-- my father is not a dog!
I know he's not a dog, he's a human being... who needs walking!
[laughing]
[farting]
[laughing]
Hey, you feeling alright there, chief?
[laughing]
We're getting more insurance, we need to start planning for our future.
- I have plans for our future. - Besides owning a robot.
Fine, now I'm gonna program him not to love you.
[laughing]
You're acting like it's totally normal for a guy to keep living
with his father-in-law if his wife dies.
I mean, it's till death do us part.
Which I always took to mean: if there's a death, we all part.
Oh, come on, you said you wanted to learn to scuba.
- When? - When we were dating.
Of course I said it when we were dating,
I was tranna make you think I went outside!
[laughing]
Hello?
Political poll?
I never have before but... go ahead, shoot.
I dunno.
[laughing]
I dunno.
I don't even know what that means.
[laughing]
I could turn this whole room into a palace for 100 bucks!
Sorry, Doug, it's gonna cost a lot more than 100 bucks.
- Er, how much more? - Try 40 times that.
40,000 dollars?
I guess it wouldn't kill me if you lost a little weight.
Ah-ha, OK and how much weight would it not kill you for me to lose?
- I dunno, 50 pounds-- -50?
Alright, less!
I hate me!
[laughing]
- Would you let me explain? - What's there to explain?
Just say I prefer my wife drunk!
No, not drunk, more like... sober plus.
- You're over reacting! - I'm over reacting?
I just found out my husband has another life!
Another life? That's crazy!
Hello?
[speaking Chinese]
[laughing]
Admit it, you've never taken a leap of faith for me...
In your whole life!
- I married you, what do you call that? - Er... hitting the jackpot!
[laughing]
Of course I still love you, I love you no matter what!
[laughing]
What does that mean? No matter what?
Nothing, just that I love you!
No, no matter what means you love me even though I have some sort of problem,
like no job or no money or piggy can't fit through doorway!
[laughing]
Why don't we hire a nurse?
Come by during the day, spend time with him.
Do you know how expensive a private nurse is?
Maybe your insurance from work will cover it?
No, they'll only cover it if he's disabled.
So I'll disable him.
[laughing]
Well that's not too bad, right?
Watch a movie, maybe a little mile high club,
next thing you know, you landed.
What's a mile high club?
It's a-- It's a card game.
[laughing]
Hi, um... do you have anything for when you're scuba diving and you panic
and you drag a kid under the water... and he bites you?
[laughing]
OK, you listen up and you listen good, old man.
I got a good thing going with Holly down here and Carrie upstairs, OK?
So you just forget about all this apartment stuff.
- But I want Holly out. - Yeah, well I want Holly to stay.
I guess we'll just have to agree to disagree.
Yeah, well why don't we agree that I'm very big and you're very brittle?
[laughing]
How much did that cost?
What?
Well, I was gonna buy these cute little bath soaps
but then I saw this and I just thought it would be... better.
[laughing]
Well you said we should buy ourselves something that says "We done good"
and this says, "I done good!"
No, that says, "I done spent a crapload of money!"
[laughing]
You know something?
We deserve some alone time just as much as Deacon and Kelly!
- Our marriage isn't perfect either! - Far from it!
[laughing]
I mean, sometimes I wake up and I just wanna run away from you!
[laughing]
I feel the same way!
Doug, you saw him, he just spent three hours wedged under a toilet tank!
OK, that was a complete fluke!
If we dropped your father on the bathroom floor 1000 times
he would never land that way again!
[laughing]
Alright, you know what? Either hop on board
and help me to get him to move upstairs
or think of another way I can make sure he's safe
OK, don't laugh.
Cow bell.
[laughing]
I love you, Carrie.
I love you too.
[sniffing]
Oh, God!
[laughing]
He's gotta get up, he's gotta get up!