Alright, being poor sucks!
I wouldn't recommend being poor, I've been poor for most of my life
I've been living on my own since I was 17-years-old
And when I was 17, I lived with roommate Brewer in a duplex
Now that right there should give you an idea of how much money we had
We couldn't even rent a whole house
We rented half of a house!
Our landlord's like: "You guys get the top part"
"This random stranger gets the bottom part"
"You guys share a basement and make awkward conversations from time to time"
"You got it? Alright, cool!"
And let me say, our asses were broke, living in that duplex!
I was so broke, if I found a nickel on the ground, I wouldn't just put it in my pocket
I'd bust out my wallet
And put that baby in there nice and secure
"You're not going anywhere, I could buy a half of a Tootsie Roll with you"
And there's nothing quite like being hungry and having no money
We'd just be sitting there sometimes
"Well, we have no money until we get paid on Friday"
"What day is it?"
"Uh, it's Tuesday"
"Oh, well, looks like we're fucked!"
"Well, we had a good run, I guess it's time to kill ourselves"
"Yeah, I was thinking the same thing"
What's the cheapest way to not feel hungry, when you have no money?
Well, I'll tell you what it is
It's going to sleep!
Just take your ass to the bed!
You can't feel hungry when you're asleep, now can ya?
It's like using a cheat-code!
"Alright, I'm gonna sleep for the next three days until we get paid again"
"Wake me up when we can eat"
There was one time we scavenged the whole house
Checking underneath all the furniture for any loose change
And somehow we managed to scrape together a decent amount of money
And we were able to buy a whole box of Hamburger Helper
"Oh yeah, we're gonna eat good tonight!"
We're at the grocery store, frolicking down the isle
We're dumping all our change on the counter
Like the cashier just hit a jackpot on a slot machine
We get home, and Brewer decides to cook this Hamburger Helper
In what looks like the oldest, most decrepit pan I've ever seen in my life
It's got rust marks on it, all crusty and shit
The damn thing looked like he salvaged it from the Titanic
He serves it up, and there's like these black speckles mixed in the food
And I'm like, "What is this? Pepper? Did you put pepper in this thing?"
No, it wasn't pepper
*Spoiler Alert*
It was that metal coating on the pan, that scraped off and mixed in with the food
"Awww, that's gross. What are we supposed to do now?"
And I'll tell you, what we did. We ate it anyways!
Not much of a choice there now, was it?
"This tastes like soot and metal"
"Yeah, it sure does"
There'd be people on Fear Factor, that wouldn't even eat that shit!
And we're over here, getting seconds!
"It's probably not that bad, if you close your eyes and try to think of something else"
And if we weren't worried about food being on the table
We definitely were worried about getting utilities shut off every month
You'd get a disconnection notice in the mail
For the gas, for the electric, for goddamn utilities you didn't even know existed!
You'd get a knock on the door
"Yo, hi, oxygen company! We're here to shut your shit off!"
"Oxygen company? What the hell?"
"Bring in the vacuum!"
[Vacuum machine buzzing]
We got our gas shut off for a whole summer one time
No more warm showers, no more dryer
That gas oven in your kitchen? Well, that just turned into extra counter space, that's what that is!
We're not paying the gas bill, what are you, crazy?
Most people like having a functioning oven in their kitchen, you know
Some people even see it as a necessity
But us? No, we didn't need that gas oven!
We just got an electric toaster oven and put it right on top of our old oven!
There we go, problem solved! Now we can make our Tostino's pizzas again
We had our water shut off for a week one time
Guess what? Now you got no working toilet!
Where are you supposed to shit now, smarty pants?
If you have ever had a joy of having your water shut off
Then you know that you have one remaining flush in that tank of your toilet
You better make it count!
So let's do some quick poop math:
You can probably take, like, four shits in that thing
And maybe like, I don't know, twenty pisses?
Before the thing starts breaking the crest of the rim
So everybody in the house rushes to go to the bathroom
Like it's the last helicopter out of Vietnam
"Everybody get in here! We're making the most out of this last flush!"
Now you can still use your toilet, if you dump some water bottles in the tank
Manufacturing your own flush there
One time I didn't have any water bottles
But I did have an old two-liter of flat Mountain Dew, sitting there in the kitchen
And I got to thinking: "That will work, right? Why wouldn't it?"
So there I am, dumping Mountain Dew into a toilet tank, so I poop in it
It was probably at this moment of my life, when I was like:
"Man, I should really get my life sorted out!"
"This is not how I pictured my life to be!"
And while we're on this subject of pooping when you're poor
What are you supposed to wipe with, when you got 3 nickels in your wallet?
Because toilet paper, sure as shit, is a luxury at that point in your life
I've wiped my ass with so many different substances
From not having proper toilet paper, I got to write a book on it!
[How to poop when you're poor]
What to wipe with..
What to wipe with.. What to flush with...
I'm talking McDonalds napkins
Coffee filters
You start looking at how fluffy the cat is, thinking:
"Hey, you know what, it's a possibility, if worse comes to worse"
The cat's hiding under the couch and shit, it knows that something's up
"You're not wiping with me, buddy, no siree!"
But having the water or the gas shut off that wasn't that big of a deal to us
We can deal with that, we'll make do!
But where I draw the line is the internet
We tried to pay that bills as best as we could, but no matter how hard we tried
We still got our internet shut off probably about fifteen times
You'd be sitting there one day, trying to log into your MySpace
And you get one of these bad boys pop up on your browser
Oh, God damn it! We don't have any internet!
What is this, Pakistan? How am I supposed to switch around my MySpace top8?
I still have time in there, for Chist's sake! Everybody's gonna think I'm some kind of loser!
I will gladly shit in some Mountain Dew
But I will be damned if don't have any internet!
https://brewstew.com
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