I tried other jobs.
I did.
When I was 15, I got a job in construction.
I was like, maybe I'm a man, and I made it three days.
Here's what happened.
I got a job with this construction company
called uh-- what was it?
Oh, Mark, it was just this dude, Mark, and his buddy, Greg.
That was the entire construction company.
They would remodel houses.
They would hire a high school kid every summer
to clean up their messes.
You know?
So day three, I get my first real assignment
that's not just cleanup.
We get to a three story house in New Jersey,
and we get out of the truck.
And Mark goes, all right, Julian,
and I want to get to the third floor
of that house, on the outside, and take
all the storm windows off.
So then, he got in his truck, and he went to the store,
before I can say, I don't know how
to do anything you just said.
So I'd never been on a ladder higher
than this before in my entire life.
And I'd never even been on the top step of that ladder,
because the sticker is like, this is not a step.
And I was always like, you got it, ladder.
What kind of maverick would get on that top step?
Now, I'm three floors up on a ladder, and it's terrifying.
Have you guys ever been three floors up on a ladder?
AUDIENCE: Yes. - Have you?
[interposing voices]
Yeah, you have?
Well yeah, but look at your face.
You're like a dude.
We know, sir.
We know.
You've probably brought a woman to orgasm.
Whoa.
So if you've never been three floors up on a ladder,
it's terrifying.
You're really high up.
The ladder, at that height, shakes
like crazy, because your legs are shaking,
because you're a pussy.
So now, I'm up there.
I go to reach for this storm window--
a storm window, if you don't know,
is four feet of solid glass.
That's what a storm windows is.
There's no break in the middle.
It's just four feet of solid glass, and I go to pull it off,
and I can't get it off.
So I start twisting it really hard.
If you twist a pane of glass, it shatters immediately.
So I lean over, and I twist it really hard.
It shatters, right in front of my face,
like, two inches from my face.
The top piece was like a perfect guillotine blade that
had stayed in the frame and slid past my nose
like a quarter inch away.
I felt the wind to go by my nose.
I almost got my face cut off, three floors up on a ladder.
So I just panic laughed.
I didn't know what else to do.
I was like, haha haha, woo.
So while I'm laughing, another piece of glass,
the size of a slice of pizza, had gone in my arm on this side
and come out the other side and was literally
sticking through my arm.
So I was like, haha haha, woo, ah,
and I rip it out immediately.
Yeah, you're all right.
Do not do that.
I think the rule is if an object goes through your body,
you leave it in until you die of natural causes.
So I pull it out, blood starts shooting all over my chest
and neck and face.
I'm freaking out.
I get down the ladder as fast as I can.
I need an ambulance.
I don't knock on the front door.
Right?
The family's home, but--
I don't know if you guys remember
being a 15-year-old boy--
when you've screwed up, the scariest person
you could possibly talk to is a male head
of a household you don't know.
I didn't want to knock on the door, and then he answers,
and I'm like, hi, sir.
I broke your window.
I'm bleeding to death, and I have a boner probably.
I'm 15.
It was windy up there.
Is that your daughter?
So I would rather avoid awkwardness than die
or whatever.
So I ran around the back of the house, and I find Greg.
Remember, Greg's the assistant.
Greg turns around and sees a screaming, blood-covered teen
running at him.
And his face looked like the first time
you saw "The Ring," where you're like,
I don't want to do this anymore.
He was like, what the--
I was like, I know.
He calls an ambulance.
They stop the bleeding.
I'm going to be OK, but I definitely need stitches.
Right?
So they take me to the emergency room.
They call my dad from work, because I'm a minor.
So now, the doctor's right here.
I'm right here, and my dad's are here.
And the doctor goes, what happened?
And I go, well, a piece of glass the size of a slice of pizza
went in my arm, and I pulled it out.
And he goes, oh, well, if it was glass,
we're going to have to flush that wound from the inside
and make sure there's not bits of broken glass still stuck
in your arm.
So I go, it was wood, so we don't need to do whatever
you were just talking about.
And he was like, you're lying, and I
was like, you're a good doctor.
Who are you, House?
So he takes a syringe, like this huge plunger
full of brown liquid.
It was like iodine or something.
Right?
He puts it in one hole, and he goes, shhh, like that.
The iodine shoots through my arm, comes out the other side.
But what nobody had anticipated is
that it would shoot out so hard it would
fly into my dad's open mouth.
True story.
So my dad-- who hitchhiked all over this country in the 60s,
who knows what's been in that guy's mouth--
this is the grossest thing that's ever been in his mouth.
So he's dry heaving and trying not to throw up.
The doctor is terrified, because he doesn't
know if you can be sued for just doing
something gross to somebody.
I noticed the tension in the room.
So I go, hey dad, was there any glass in there?
The doctor cracked up.
He was like you, should be a comedian, and I was like, ah!
That's what I'll do.