The following trailer is rated H for Honest
From the series that takes the world's most horrifying pastime,
And turns it into a fun game for poorly supervised twelve-year-olds
Comes the return to World War Two that everyone was waiting for,
Only this time there's loot boxes
Ah yes, just like my grandpa remembers it
Call of Duty: World War II
Snap to attention for the most conventional Call of Duty in years
As the series returns from the mechs and lasers of its futuristic games
To Call of Duty's bread-and-butter.
Hyper-patriotic action movies about actual historical conflicts
Where accuracy and realism are set aside
For a power fantasy where you single-handedly mow down half a battalion
In the closest thing we're ever gonna get to World War Two: Dynasty Warriors
Answer the Call of Duty as you're recruited to the frontlines once again
To play through yet another exclusively American take on World War 2
And suit up as private Ronald Daniels
A simple country boy just trying to make it back to his best girl
By taking up arms along his trusty squad of cliches, like
The Good Corporal
The Battle-Hardened Asshole
The Nerd
And the Jewish Guy
As you push your way from the beaches of Normandy to the banks of Rheine
In a series of brutal battles that could claim any character at any time
As long as they don't have celebrity-guest plot armor
In a single-player experience that feels like they dusted off the Band of Brothers DVDs
And wrote the first World War Two story that came into their heads
Huh, It's almost like the campaign isn't why people buy Call of Duty games
Grab that rifle once again as CoD returns to a more traditional campaign experience
Where you'll run through the battlefield frantically picking up health packs and random guns
Fire bullet after bullet into waves of NPCs that barely use cover
And perform heroic actions like saving your friends
And not reflexively murdering surrendering enemies
Until you run into a cutscene or a gimmick sequence
Like a tank battle
A dogfight
Being a Frenchwoman
Or fun times in an in-game concentration camp
In a gameplay experience that successfully turns the horrors of war into a casual shooter for everyone to enjoy
Because no one honors the fallen quite like Call of Duty
Press F to Pay Respects
Paratroop into the heart of Call of Duty signature multiplayer mode
And witness new Call of Duty made old again
As they strip out all the double jumps, wall runs and super slides
Dredge up the depths of the World War Two catalogue to find enough machine guns
And dish up the same old "constantly-getting-shot-in-the-back" multiplayer you know and used to be tired of
In the hopes that absence makes the heart grow fonder
because aside from the new classes, modes, and perks
The social hub, which is basically a glorified loot box showroom
And an excuse to play old Activision games
It's basically Call of Duty 4, with a shiny new World War Two skin on it.
And honestly? You could do worse.
Exhume the corpse of the mode they've beaten to undeath:
Nazi Zombies
With another star-studded cast of zombie killers.
And a bunch of new systems to layer on top of an already convoluted mode
Ensuring that you only play with friends, or spend time in spectator mode, studying the map like it's homework or something
I mean, really, if this mode doesn't even have The Hoff anymore, what's the point?
So lace up those army boots
And get ready to charge back into the good fight, for another Call of Duty that delivers more or less exactly what you expected from it
Because let's be honest, you either stop caring about the series years ago
Or you've already bought it and unlocked your sick weed leaf emblem
You know loot boxes are terrible and all, but seeing the garbage drops other people get is actually pretty entertaining.
Haha! I hope you paid money for that.
Comment below on what you want me to read in my EPIC VOICE.