Human beings are naturally driven to flirt with those to whom we're attracted, whether
we realize it or not.
Trying to get a stranger to notice your interest in them can be a difficult thing to accomplish,
though.
But there are scientifically proven ways to get someone to take notice.
Psychologist Monica Moore has spent a lot of time studying the way women flirt, and
it's more covert than you might imagine.
Women in public settings send non-verbal cues to those that they're interested in.
Sometimes, they're so subtle, the other person might assume they're the one making the first
move, when in reality they've just been summoned.
"In flirting situations, the key is making them check you out without letting them know
that you know that they're checking you out."
The more cues that are thrown out, the better the chances of scoring a mutual flirtation.
Moore notes there are 52 behaviors that women use to get noticed, including glancing, primping,
and licking their lips.
Often, the more shy and subtle behaviors women engage in are coupled with more overt shows
of interest, like flirting with several people at once until one of them shows the same level
of interest.
Once the right non-verbal cues have been sent out and it's time to actually introduce yourself,
you're going to have to take into consideration which direction you're physically coming from.
A 1975 psychological study notes that while men dislike being approached from the front,
women have a problem with being approached from the side.
"Clark, why don't you go away.”
The preference stems from what psychologist Martin Graff calls, quote, "invasion of personal
space."
So, if you're trying to approach a man, make sure you come from the side.
And if you're interested in a woman, it's better to introduce yourself by approaching
her head-on.
It's also important to present yourself in an approachable way, according to Graff.
A smile and a flash of your eyebrows can greatly improve your chances.
Subtle non-verbal cues are one thing, but, once you've actually reached the point of
engaging in conversation with another person, subtlety should be thrown out the window.
A 2009 study tested which opening lines were most effective for both men and women and
found that the more direct an opening line was in indicating interest, the more successful
it tended to be.
"Let's get outta here.”
“Yeah.”
“Let’s get outta here.”
“OK.”
“Let’s get outta here.”
“Absolutely.”
“Let’s get outta here.”
“OK.”
The reason behind it has to do with changing gender roles.
Specifically, changes in societal norms have affected the way women approach dating.
Not only are women more likely now than ever to be the flirtation initiators, but they're
also more likely to reciprocate interest in someone if that someone is up front with them
about it.
"There's my number.
So maybe we can go out for coffee sometime."
While being direct about your interest in another person is definitely a good place
to start, figuring out exactly what your opening line should be is a little more complicated.
One psychological study presented groups of men and women with three types of opening
lines: so-called cute-flippant, innocuous, and direct.
All three are pretty easy to spot.
Describing lines as cute-flippant is a nice way of referring to those awful pick-up lines
like:
"Wow, Hannah, you're really wearing that dress like you're doing it a favor."
Innocuous lines are the more harmless, open-ended types of questions like:
"Alright.
You're obviously in military, what branch?"
And the direct approach is exactly that — something like:
"Amy.
Can I buy you a drink?"
"Uh huh."
The results of the study indicated that neither men nor women have much interest in cheesy
one-liners.
But where men prefer the direct approach, women tend to actually prefer the innocuous
one, which the researchers attribute to sex role socialization.
As the study puts it:
"The tradition of men approaching women also suggests that women will choose opening lines
for meeting men that are innocuous and nonthreatening."
We've been led to believe that having a so-called "wingman," or "wingwoman" along on a social
outing will increase our chances of landing a date.
But as much as we'd like to believe that having the support of our best friend as we navigate
the murky waters of flirtation is the best course of action, sometimes it just isn't.
During a university lecture, author Jeffrey Hall said that bringing in a wingman or woman
doesn't make flirting any easier to identify.
The reason?
People are terrible at knowing when they're being flirted with.
Hall conducted two separate studies on flirting, which found that while, most of the time,
people can tell if someone isn't flirting with them, it's incredibly rare to recognize
when they are.
"Are you attracted to me?”
“What?”
“Are you attracted to me?
You give me indications that you are."
Having a great smile can do wonders for your chances of scoring a date.
A 2013 study found that the perception of someone's overall attractiveness was heavily
influenced by their smile, and could even go so far as to make up for being relatively
unattractive.
But it isn't enough to just look happy.
There are actually two kinds of smiles: the fake, forced type and the genuine one, also
known as the Duchenne smile.
Named after a 19th century French physician who studied facial expressions, the Duchenne
smile involves using both voluntary and involuntary muscle contraction.
It's the smile that creates crow's feet around your eyes.
In one study, researchers from UC Berkeley analyzed the smiles of 141 college yearbook
photos and found that those who displayed genuine smiles were actually happier in life
and marriage up to 30 years later.
So presenting genuine happiness can actually lead to relationship fulfillment.
Eye contact can tell you a lot about how interested someone might be in you.
While maintained eye contact might generally mean that your flirting tactics are a success,
according to a psychological study from 1997, there's more to it than that.
The study, which videotaped 10-minute long interactions between men and women, found
that a woman's behavior within the first minute, both positive and negative, had little to
do with her actual interest in a man.
It was only after the fourth minute that her behavior reflected her real interest.
In another study, strangers were told to hold unbroken, direct eye contact with one another
for two minutes.
The result was that the participants reported feelings of, quote, "passionate love" for
each other at the end of it.
So you can actually make someone fall in love with you via eye contact.
Just try not to be creepy about it.
If you can make someone fall in love with you after two minutes of unbroken eye contact,
then the idea that you could persuade someone to agree to a date just by touching them doesn't
seem that far-fetched.
In 2004, Dr. Nicolas Guéguen conducted three separate experiments related to touch in a
courtship context.
A young man asked female strangers either to dance or to give him their phone number.
He wound up being more successful when he made brief physical contact with the woman
during his request.
Of course, it's important to keep in mind cultural norms.
Guéguen indicates in his findings that in more non-contact cultures, touching a woman
in a courtship situation probably wouldn't work out so well.
"Ew, get off of me!
Ugh, as IF!"
According to psychology professor Pamela Regan, men tend to be more successful at flirting
when they engage in what are known as, quote, "space maximization" movements.
Things like stretching, moving around a single location, or resting their arm on the chair
next to them tend to be more noticed by surrounding women.
Psychologist Rachelle M. Smith reiterates the idea, although she notes that space maximization
movements are also related to the need to dominate other males.
She says:
"Interestingly, these same behaviors are used when trying to intimidate and express dominance
over other males as well as to demonstrate interest and availability to a woman, likely
complementary goals."
Perhaps the behaviors that women find attractive in men are tied to long-standing gender roles.
The one who can show the greatest strength among a sea of available men is the one who'll
have the most success.
At least when it comes to the first meeting.
We've already established how nonverbal cues work to show interest in another person.
But it doesn't end at eye contact and hand gestures.
What you're wearing can have a significant effect on how attractive others perceive you
to be.
According to psychologists, the color red is often associated with status, power, and
virility.
"Hey…"
“Hey!”
“Wow, you look great."
And according to one psychological study, the color red works for both men and women.
Both were shown photos of men and women in front of either a red or white background.
Those on the red background were deemed to be more physically attractive than those on
the white one.
So, if you're hoping to send out sexual vibes, red is definitely the color to wear.
Going out for drinks at a bar, and buying one for someone you're interested in, is rarely
ever a bad idea, but you might actually have better luck getting a phone number or a second
date if you head to a place like a coffee shop.
The reason is that the temperature of a drink that someone is holding can directly affect
how they perceive the people around them.
Sounds crazy, but it's true.
In 2008, a study was conducted in which a group of college students were asked to hold
onto either a hot cup of coffee or a cold cup of coffee prior to rating another person's
personality.
The study found that those who had held the hot coffee believed the other person to be
more generous and caring than those who had held the cold coffee.
What it comes down to is this: if you buy someone something warm, you'll seem pretty
warm yourself.
"Angel.
You've got wings, baby."
If you're looking to make a genuine, lasting connection with another person, small talk
is the wrong way to go.
According to a 1997 study, people who engage in a more intimate line of questioning with
one another tend to feel closer.
"Alice.
Tell me something true."
Two groups of people were separated into pairs, and then talked to each other for 45 minutes.
While half of the couples spent the time engaging in small talk, the other half were given a
list of increasingly personal questions.
By the end, those who had asked the deeper questions felt more connected to their partner
than those who hadn't.
What's most interesting about the study, though, is that six months after it ended, two of
its participants had actually fallen in love.
Jeffrey Hall has done a lot of research on flirting.
He and a fellow researcher conducted a study examining both verbal and non-verbal flirting
styles, which involved 51 pairs of opposite-sex heterosexual strangers.
The strangers were asked to interact with each other for 10 to 12 minutes, and by the
end of the study, the couples had engaged in a total of 36 different flirting behaviors.
Checking out how another person's body is positioned toward yours is an easy way to
figure out if they're interested.
According to Hall's study, examples of flirtatious body language also include playing with one's
hair, any sort of self-touching, like putting a hand on your face or over your mouth, and
crossing or uncrossing legs.
"And, anything you can do to draw attention to your mouth is good."
Other obvious ones to look out for?
Moving closer to one another or exposing one's chest.
Everyone appreciates a good sense of humor.
But, as it turns out, a woman's laughter has deeper significance than just the telling
of a good joke.
In one 1990 study, it was discovered that, when in mixed company, women tend to laugh
more frequently than men do.
The reason has to do with ingrained social dominance.
According to the study, male sexual behavior is rooted in dominance, whereas female sexual
behavior is often submissive.
The study states:
"Thus females, when they are together with males should show the higher degree of ritualization
in laughter than males, because showing submissiveness is equal to solicitation when the male has
a tendency to dominate the female."
The study also took into account same-sex couples, where laughter is more pronounced
in male to male pairings because of the same sort of dominance.
It concluded that women use laughter, particularly with men, to show their interest via social
submission.
So a good sense of humor really is that important, at least if you want to flirt successfully.
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