-Our next guest is the co-host of the "U Up?" podcast
available at Apple Podcasts.
Making his "Tonight Show" debut,
please welcome the very funny Jared Freid!
[ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪
-How we doing, everybody?! We good?!
[ Cheers and applause ]
I do a lot of shows.
I've performed for the troops,
and those shows are always the best.
[ Cheers and applause ] The best.
I also perform at colleges. Those shows are always weird.
I was at a college once. I came onstage.
My first words out of my mouth -- I said,
"I love doing shows for college kids."
This guy stands up in the corner and he goes, "We're not kids!
We're adults!"
I look at him. I go, "One question.
Who bought your underwear?"
[ Cheers and applause ]
I'll never forget it. He goes, "Go on with the show."
I get that.
I thought I was an adult in college.
I definitely was not.
I used to wear one polo shirt with another polo shirt over it.
Yeah. And then pop up both of the collars.
[ Cheers and applause ]
That's not how an adult dresses.
There's no adult walking around like an aggressive tulip.
My girlfriend -- she would wear two polos, too.
Two people, four polos.
When we hooked up, it looked like
a Brooks Brothers fitting room.
You're not an adult in college.
One semester, I lived with three of my friends in one room.
We called it "Bunkzilla."
No man lives in a Bunkzilla.
If a man lives guys three other men, that's not a home.
That's a shelter.
And no woman here would go home to Bunkzilla tonight.
That's the difference in college -- they would.
One night, we all brought women home.
That's right -- one room, four beds,
eight people...
16 polos.
[ Cheers and applause ]
I don't know.
I think people don't like college students
because they speak confidently on things we know
they can't be confident about yet.
Like, the two stories are always written
that they're outraged or they're shamed.
I didn't know outrage in college.
I learned about outrage the first time
I saw the taxes that come out of a paycheck.
Right? That weird moment where you're like,
"I don't even use roads."
I learned shame the first time I laughed at a boss's joke.
You wouldn't do that in front of your child.
You'd be like, "Turn around, Timmy.
Daddy's got to pay rent. Ha, ha, ha, ha!
You're right. Mondays are weird."
I don't even know what an adult is any more.
I'm 36.
I'm doing stuff I thought I would have
grown up out of years ago.
Every time I fly somewhere,
I text my parents, "Landed."
[ Cheers and applause ]
You ever read that text back to yourself?
You don't sound like a man.
"Landed."
You sound like a spoiled prince.
"Mommy, put my jammies in the dryer.
I prefer them warm with my milk and cookies.
Tell papa I'll be taking story time in my quarters.
The Prince of Needham has landed!"
[ Cheers and applause ]
I love going home for the holidays.
I like seeing my family.
I like seeing where all my insecurities came from.
Right? If your family has a problem,
you probably have a very similar problem.
My family -- the whole family is insecure.
Food, body, weight. That's our whole family.
I walked in the house one day.
My mom looks at me. She goes, "You look so skinny."
My dad's across the room.
He yells out -- He goes, "He's wearing all black!"
I was like, "Is my inner monologue playing on the Alexa?"
I talk about my weight onstage a lot.
Some people get very uncomfortable.
I had a woman -- She stood up once.
She goes, "You're not fat."
That's the worst thing you could ever yell
at someone who's not skinny.
Because then the show becomes a town-hall meeting
on whether I'm fat or not.
Someone stood up.
They're like, "He's jolly, though."
Another person was like, "Can men be curvy?"
Someone in the middle was like, "There's lead in the water."
I was like, "You're at the wrong meeting, bro."
I just want to get in shape enough
to take a vacation to Tulum, Mexico.
If you know Tulum, that's where all the
celebrities and influencers go.
I've never seen someone there with a bad body.
I think they weigh you at the Mexican border.
Like, I think I would get to Mexico.
They'd be like, "Hola. Step on the scale."
I'd step on. They'd look down.
They'd be like, "Well, have fun in Cancún."
[ Cheers and applause ]
I'm Jared Freid. Thank you guys very much.
[ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪
-16 polos. -[ Laughs ]
-The best. -Thank you.
-Jared Freid! [ Cheers and applause ]
The "U Up?" podcast is available on Apple Podcasts.