- Yeah, I'm used to dating douche bags,
that's just like my thing.
My therapist says
I'm just in a negative thought pattern at this point.
So to change that,
she had me write down all the qualities I'm looking for,
very specifically.
And I did that and it helps
because it turns out what I'm looking for is a dog.
(crowd laughing) That's what I want.
I just want a man who's loyal,
pumped to see me when I walk through the door
and if he leaves me, he gets hit by a car.
(crowd laughing) That's it.
Pretty low maintenance on my end.
So I got a dog, that's what I did.
I got a dog, I got a girl dog.
I rescued her and-
Technically I paid for her,
but her name was Tina and I saved her from that.
So. (crowd laughing)
She's mine now.
I named her Miley
because my name's Hanna.
(crowd laughing)
So she's the other side of me.
That's correct.
She really is the drunk version of me.
You know, she pees everywhere,
puts everything in her mouth.
(crowd laughing)
And I don't drink anymore,
so I don't get mad about it, I get nostalgic.
(crowd laughing)
Like even at the dog park last week,
I felt like I was watching myself in my early twenties
because she was hopelessly chasing this golden retriever
while a pug ate her the entire time.
(crowd laughing)
And she just let it happen.
Rolled over actually and just
let him have it, anyway.
Do you guys think if we change pro-choice
to pro raw dog, we could get more guys on our side?
(crowd cheering and laughing)
'Cause I do.
Couldn't you see that on a bumper sticker on a pickup truck?
I feel like pro raw dog.
We're all out here.
No. Okay.
You guys are looking at me like I'm this huge slut
'cause I'm in a see through shirt.
Okay. I'm not, I always wait to sleep with a guy
until the third drink and
(crowd laughing)
I just worry about losing
rights to my body,
'cause I know men are going to the same way
and lie to us.
I know this because I was dating a man who gave me herpes.
(crowd laughing)
Yeah. And do you think he took responsibility for that?
No, never saw him again.
He broke up with me
because he said I made him feel too guilty.
And all I said was,
"I thought we weren't seeing other people.
I also thought you were Mormon.
What the?
Don't you have underwear that protects you against this?
What the?".
Yeah, so I've been raising my herpes alone
for two and a half years now and it hasn't been easy.
I guess herpes is less like a child
and more like a DUI for the pussy, you know?
'Cause it slows you down but it does not stop you at all.
I don't know why I was so worried about it, actually.
I couldn't believe that I thought men would stop at herpes.
Men don't even stop at the word no.
(nervous laughing)
So, if you're uncomfortable with that joke, that is you sir.
(crowd laughing) That's on you.
But yeah, when I got herpes I was so sad
and I know one and three of you know this
but you get very ill (crowd laughing)
at the beginning of herpes
and I got it at the beginning of covid,
so confusing.
I literally caught the wrong virus.
(crowd laughing)
I had to do my gynecology appointment over Zoom.
Okay? I was fanning my legs open.
It's on my Only Fans, check it out.
But (crowd laughing)
it was awful.
She was like, Yeah it's herpes
I can smell it, it's herpes.
(crowd laughing)
I was listening to that James Blunt song, "Goodbye",
you know, just mourning my sex life in my parents' basement,
which is exactly where you should get herpes
at 28 years old.
And I was so sad.
I didn't eat and sleep for four days.
I was manic.
I was like, what am I going to do?
And it got to the point where my parents
came down to the basement,
both my mother and father confronted me
and they say,
"Hanna, we're worried you're on heroin".
And I was like, "You wish.
You wish".
No, I had to look my father in the eyes
and tell him I had herpes.
And he goes, "Oh whatever, your grandmother had that".
And it was in that moment I realized,
you can always feel worse.
You can always feel worse.
But before I told my parents,
I was not going to tell anyone.
I was going to tell no one.
I was actually going to become a nun.
That was my plan.
I was like, that's why there are so many nuns now,
'cause herpes is so prevalent
that everyone just becomes a nun.
It was four in the morning
and I was crying and I didn't know what to do,
so I called the suicide hotline.
And the woman who answered was like,
"Why are you calling this evening?"
and I couldn't breathe.
I was like,
(whimpering)
"I have herpes".
And she was like, "Ooh".
(crowd laughing)
I'm sorry, did I call the wrong number?
(crowd laughing)
How is herpes the worst thing you heard today?
Anyway, I talk Pam down,
she will be fine,
(crowd laughing) but Jesus Christ.
I don't know if I want children.
How are we supposed to know?
My friends are all freezing their eggs.
So that's a whole thing with Roe vs Wade.
They're like,
"Ah, if I freeze my eggs, am I going to, ah,
if I don't do it, ah",
it's like a whole thing, you know?
And it's $14,000 to freeze your eggs.
So people keep asking me,
"Are you going to freeze your eggs?",
'cause I'm 30, which is offensive.
And I don't know, I don't know if I want kids.
And also $14,000?
I live in a studio with a mini fridge.
(crowd laughing)
I can't even afford to freeze
two boxes of popsicles at one time.
(crowd laughing)
So no, I'm not going to plan for that.
I think I want kids 'cause of FoMO.
I have pretty bad FoMO,
but I don't know,
I live in New York
and every time I get on the subway and hear a kid crying,
I'm like, "Absolutely not.
I can't do it".
And my friends who are all having kids are like,
"No Hanna, when it's your baby, it's different.
When it's your baby, you're going to love it.
When it's your baby, it's not the same".
And I'm like, "I don't know though".
You know?
'Cause even when it's my smoke alarm,
(crowd laughing)
You know?
That goes off, (crowd laughing)
I still beat the out of it, so.
(crowd laughing)
I don't know if I should have kids.
Yeah, I've been single for 10 years now and,
I know, that's surprising if you don't know me personally
but I was so worried about it,
so I got a therapist about why I'm single.
I'm like, "Is the problem me?
Is it me? Am I the problem?".
She's like, "Well that's a waste of time
for you to worry if you're the problem
because you are 100% for sure the problem.
You know, let's take the anxiety right out of that".
She was like,
"Hanna, your expectations are just too high,
even for yourself they're way too high.
Like you need to remember,
you're never going to be the richest person in the room.
You're never going to be the smartest person in the room
and you're never going to be
the best looking person in the room".
I was like, "hold up.
(crowd laughing)
There are only two people in this room, so,
(crowd laughing)
what are you trying to say?
You don't have a neck, Carol,
you're not hotter than me".
(crowd laughing)
I do think it is very important,
whatever way you're voting,
to remember that you got to do your research,
you know, more than Facebook.
I think a lot of people rely on that, specifically my aunt.
And (crowd laughing)
it's scary because there are so many liars out there
and the people in power,
they're always going to lie to get what they want.
And I know this because I went to USC
and I don't know if you guys heard about this
but the gynecologist there,
he had been molesting women since 1989.
And a bunch of women came forward in 2016
and the president just like covered it up because,
you know we have a really good football team, so.
Don't want to make the school look bad.
And I saw this man from my first pap smear
and I knew it was weird and I told everyone,
but they told me, pass me or suck, you know, live your life.
So I didn't do anything. I had nowhere to go.
And then four years ago I read an article
that hundreds of women had come forward
and this man had in fact molested them.
So I called the school to make a report.
I wasn't even going to sue.
I was just calling to support other victims.
And they have a man on their helpline
and he is challenging my story.
And he's like, "Well, how do you know?
How do you know you were molested?".
I'm like, "How do I know?
Maybe because I'm the woman
and I've had like a million pap smear since
and that's the only one that felt great".
(crowd laughing)